LIVING LIFE FOR THE BOTH OF US - JONGHYUN

Story #4 - Your four SHINee

It's okay. Cry.

Cry your heart out just one more time and then stop. Alright? I am used to seeing you cry now. Everyone else also, I bet. So they each must understand how much you struggled, hence probably do not have any resentment toward you. 

But can you imagine the pain the four of them feel everyday now....staring at the empty spot where you stubbornly claimed to stand your toothbrush? Recognizing the hollow space in their dance formation? And then call out your name to tell you an amusing story, just to agonizingly realize that you are no longer where they wanted? 

Yes, they are admirably fighting with all their might to keep their promise with you. They are resiliently spearheading through the present, toward a future you can no longer reach.

Now, stop crying. I will  lend you my space to send your boys a message. But just this once, so use it wisely. 

"My dearest brothers, my SHINee!

Words are not adequate to convey how much I miss you and how sorry I am for leaving you.

You were my youth. You were the prime of my life. You were my FOUR other ME's. I love you dearly, more than I could and more than I would be able to express. 

Please forgive me for having left you. IT overtook me and all my lucidity, thus I lost to IT in that moment. Oh, how I wish I had been able to dial your number in the twilight of my weakening mental state! So that I could still be with you this day! But somehow, I could not. So, IT took life from me. That vile devil named DEPRESSION. Please, forgive me! Please, don't resent me. I love you.

I am immensely thankful to each of you, for having been by my side, for your patience, for your care, for your understanding, for your love, for your companionship, for your bromance, for having gone with me to places to be with our fans, and for your acceptance of my somewhat unconventional taste in music. Mine seemed a bit gloomy for people of our time. But you were always supporting me. So, I felt I could be spoiled to do whatever I wished. 

The embraces that you gave me when I cried on and off stage were the strength that kept me going. Each pat on my back, each gentle squeeze on my arm, and each stroke on my head meant the whole world to me in my weak moments. You kept me alive.

Please do not blame yourself for what I did. You had been with me when you could and you did so very well. You did all you could for me, with your generous love. Each of you really did.

In that final darkest moment, IT already engulfed the lucid ME. There was no way you would have known. IT had ensured that no one could have been reached. So, it was my fault for not being able to win over IT. Not your fault at all! Please don't blame yourself. Please forgive me. 

It pains me because we can no longer be with each other physically, can't play our favorite games in our rare breaks, can't write more of our songs together. I know it pains you also, now that you cannot see me. But be confident that I can see you, from here. And I really wish that I can see your genuinely happy smiles every day, from here. 

To do that, please accept that I left, tragically, for a different place. 

Please keep me fondly in your memory, use me as a bookmark for a youthful chapter of your life book. We spent our teens and twenties together, working hard together, growing more mature together, and shining brightly on our stage together. Please cherish only the happy memories. 

All the hurt, all the disagreement, and all the fighting that we intentionally or unintentionally gave each other in the past, let's now call it even. So both you and I can have peace of mind. 

Please continue to keep your promise to me even though I failed to fulfill mine to you. My failure doesn't mean that the deal is no longer valid. You still have your part to do. Be cooler than me and protect our SHINee--our dream, my youthful years, your future. So, rest well, eat well, sleep well, and exercise well to stay healthy for SHINee's future projects. 

Please help me be each other's strength and encouragement to get through the pain of losing me, to get through the resentment you may have toward me, to overcome the aching longing for me. Please help each other forgive me and continue to love me.

I have always been a thinker, so I spent a lot of my time on Earth contemplating life. I used to think that you and I have invested so much of our time to our musical life and to our fans. Of course we loved every moment of it and want to do it for the rest of our lives. But, I hope you will now consider adding more personal activities to your schedule. Go visit your family more often. Spend time with your friends more often. Go to the beach. Climb the mountains. Or indulge yourself in the warmth of a hot spring. If you find a person worthy of your affection, date. Traverse the world. Participate in more charitable events. Become the spoke persons for humanitarian causes. Find something else that may interest you, besides music. Live your life a little more! Shawols love you unconditionally, so they will sincerely wish for your happiness. Don't be concerned about losing their love. They will always be there for SHINee. So, go and enjoy your life while you are physically able to.

Please attend a group therapy. Talk about me. Talk about my departure. Don't shy away from it. Talking aloud in a group, with professional guidance, will help you get through this difficult time. Please be healthy for yourselves, for your families, for our Shawols, and for me. I need to know that you are happy and safe. 

In my stead, please help our Shawols who are still struggling because of my departure. Create a healthy forum where everyone can share their feelings and thoughts. Be among them, for me!

Please also advocate to raise awareness of DEPRESSION in our society, especially in our entertainment industry. IT is a psychotic disease that the entire society has to tackle through meaningful and open conversations, not to pocket away and hope for IT to disappear. Because IT won't! I will rest in peace, knowing that each of you are helping another person like me on Earth. 

Especially if you have so unfortunately suffered from depression because of my departure, out of your love and pity for me, please, seek professional help. Don't worry about publicity. YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT, MOST TREASURED, MOST LOVED. Get help! Be cured! Then come back stronger! I need you to be well. 

On your birthdays, please know that I am sending you my utmost sincere wishes. On your wedding day, please know that I am standing there as your proudest groomsman. 

On my birthday and memorial day, remember me with a smile, knowing that I am smiling back at you, with love. Don't cry too much for me. Reserve your tears to appreciate life's wonders. I sincerely prefer so. 

Please occasionally pay my mother and sister a visit. Ask her to cook you a favorite dish of mine. She will be happy. Then talk about me. I will be feeling your love, from here.

My brothers, my companions, my SHINee, please live well! Please live enthusiastically! Please enjoy life to the fullest! Live, for a fourth of me, too.

Then, I will see you at the end of your natural life. 

Until that moment, please know that I love you and I am thankful to you.

Yours,

Forever."