When We Happened

XXVI. Still Can't Have

Kabanata 26

Still Can't Have.

I looked at him. He was kneeling right in front of me, offering his love. Offering all of his heart. Alam ko na sa mga oras na ito at sa mga desisyon ko may masasaktan at masasaktan.

"Kross, look—"

Pinigilan niya ako. "Daffney, please? Be my girlfriend?" It sounded like a plea.

Kaso hindi... hindi ko kaya.

I bit my lower lip to stop myself from crying. "Kross..." sabi ko. Gulat ko ng biglaan siyang tumayo at niyakap ako.

"Daffney..." he sobbed. Alam ko na sa mga oras na 'to, alam niya na ang kasagutan ko.

Hindi ko na napigilan, napa-luha na din ako. What a heart wants, it wants. Hindi ko naman pwedeng pilitin ang sarili ko na mahalin siya kung hindi naman. Hindi ako ganoon... I don't fall easily, pero nahulog ako kay Darlin ng ganoon kabilis. Now, I couldn't just replace him.

Mas humigpit pa ang yakap niya. I hugged him back. The crowd applauded. At tyaka ko lang na-realize ang ginagawa niya. Nakakahiya kung i-rereject ko siya sa harap ng madaming tao. I'd never do that to him, he deserves so much more. He didn't deserve someone like me.

"Why can't it be me?" he asked.

I couldn't answer. Dahil hindi ko din alam, kahit gustuhin ko man... bakit hindi na lang siya?

* * *

"Congrats!" Rienne hugged me.

Natigilan ako, hanggang ngayon pugto pa rin ang mga mata ko. Kasama niya si Val at Tori. Kaka-uwi ko lang ngayon dahil nag-usap pa kaming dalawa ni Kross... a heartbreaking conversation.

Napa-iyak ako habang yakap-yakap ako ni Rienne. "Why are you crying? Tears of joy pa din ba? First boyfriend!"

Kumalas ako sa pagkaka-yakap at pinunasan ang aking mga luha. Tori and Val also congratulated me. Umiling ako. "Look, guys... hindi ko siya sinagot," pag-amin ko.

"What?!" Rienne exclaimed.

"Ano? Bakit?" si Tori.

I timidly smiled at them. "Simple, I don't love him like I loved him. I don't want him the way I've always wanted him."

"Daffney naman..." si Val.

"Gago naman si Darlin, e! Why can't you see that, Daff? He doesn't even want you... and Kross, he's the best catch there is!" aniya na parang naiinis sa akin.

"I don't get to control my feelings, my heart does. Kaya pasensya, Nene, kung hindi ko sinagot si Kross."

They all remained silent, kaya naman nilampasan ko na sila at umakyat na. Along the way, naka-salubong ko si Chan. Ano'ng ginagawa niya dito?

"Daff."

I stopped. "Uy, bakit?"

"Congrats," aniya sa isang seryoso lang na tono na iisipin mong hindi siya masaya. I was about to tell him na hindi ko naman boyfriend si Kross ng nilagpasan niya na ako.

Friendship and love?

They were never a good mixture.

Nagpunta na ako sa aking kwarto at dumireto na sa kama. That's when I finally felt all the pain earlier.

Kumalas siya mula sa pagkakayakap sa akin. He gave me one of the saddest smiles I have ever seen. Ang sakit. Gustuhin ko man na siya na lang, hindi ko alam kung bakit ayaw ng puso ko. Hindi ko din magawang matutuhan siyang mahalin kahit ano pang pilit ko.

"Look, Daff, let's talk about this..."

I nodded. Pumalakpak nanaman ang mga tao dahil buong akala nila ay kami na nga. I tried to smile as we made our way through the crowd. Marami ang nag-congratulate sa amin pero ngiti lang ang iginaganti ko sa kanila.

Nakita ko siya sa may tabihan ng stage kasama si Gion at Isaac. Mariin lang siyang naka-titig sa akin. It stung. Na para bang ako pa ang may mali sa aming dalawa. Na para bang ako pa ang may ayaw sa kanya.

Dire-diretso kaming pumunta sa office ng mga SCO. Walang tao doon. Pumasok siya. Sumunod ako at isinara ang pintuan. "Look, Kross. I'm so—"

"Don't say sorry, Daff."

I looked at him. His eyes were bloodshot. "Kross, I didn't expect—"

"You didn't expect what, Daff? You didn't expect that someday I'd ask you to be my girlfriend? So, what do you actually think? Na ano, I'm just too kind that's why I'm willing to compromise? That I am that stupid kaya hinahayaan kong paasahin mo ako?" aniya.

"I thought you learned how to love me, even just a little... kahit kakaunti. Kahit kahati siya, it's fine for me. I'm willing to compromise for you, Daff. That's how I love, I love truly and deeply."

"But maybe, I was wrong... maybe I shouldn't have fallen for you. I never expected that you're the one who'll break my heart. I never expected that love could hurt this bad."

I was already crying. Kasi ang sakit-sakit. Nakakainis dahil hindi ko siya magawang mahalin. "Kross... sorry."

"I am a kind person, Daffney. I am nice. People would always say that I'm lucky 'cause I have everything, but they were wrong..."

He looked away. Nakita ko ang pag-bagsak ng mga luha mula sa mata niya. "I'm not lucky. I don't have everything, because after all these time, I still can't have you."