Deeper Than Desire

Libby

Four years ago...

"I did it," I tell my friends as I slide into the booth at our favorite Atlanta restaurant for breakfast. Everything smells like coffee and maple syrup, and even though it's probably the most amazing combination ever, my stomach still flip-flops with butterflies. "I told him everything: how I'm in love with him, how I've been in love with him since we were teenagers, how—"

"How you want to jump him?" Ally asks, laughing.

"I didn't put it in those exact terms, but I'm sure he got the gist." I scoot into my usual spot, messing with my bag so my best friends can't see how my hands are shaking. "Bottom line, he knows how I feel now."

Across the table, Laurel blinks, blinks again. She can't believe I did this. Honestly? Neither can I. I've been in love with Finn Oliver since we were thirteen. He's gorgeous, smart, and has been living with me ever since his dad kicked him out a couple months ago.

Why? Well, because in addition to being gorgeous and smart, Finn can also be a bit of an ass. Or a lot of an ass, depending on who you ask. Thankfully, he's never been that way with me. Some of that is because we've known each other for so long. The rest of it—maybe all of it—is because I know about his panic attacks and fights with depression and tendency to burn himself out. We can be real with each other. He doesn't have to play the bad ass.

Laurel puts down her cup of coffee and stares at me, pale blue eyes huge. "You seriously told Finn you're in love with him? To his face?"

"Umm..." I trail off, heat climbing my cheeks because the full consequences of what I've just done are hitting me. Finn isn't just the guy I've been lusting after since I was a teenager. He's also one of my oldest friends. Our fathers started their company together. Our families have been doing vacations and holidays and weekends for years. I've known Finn since he was running around with a plastic light saber, and he's known me since I took all my clothes off at my parents' pool party and ran around naked—something he loves reminding me of. Bottom line, my little proclamation of love may screw up everything.

Or begin something amazing, I remind myself. "Technically?" I clear my throat. "I didn't tell him how I felt...I left him a note."

Ally bursts out laughing. Her dark braids fall forward over one shoulder and she brushes them back with a careless hand. "I love you, you know that? I really love you. A note."

I grin. I can't help it. "I know. It's insane, isn't it? But like we said the other night, I need to be honest with him."

Ally takes a huge forkful of French toast and chews for a minute, brown eyes bright with amusement. "The other night, we were drunk," she finally says. "We were celebrating your latest super-duper horse show win. I didn't realize you were taking us seriously."

I shrug. "Well, I wasn't at the time." At the time, I was a little preoccupied by winning a big division at an equally big horse show. Okay, hugely preoccupied. I want to be an international-caliber showjumping rider more than anything. My parents are looking at a new horse for me, one that can help me with that dream. If it goes through, I will be beyond lucky. Just thinking about it makes my heart double-thump.

Our favorite waitress, Louisa, swings past our table, dropping off my usual order of eggs benedict and coffee as she goes. "Thank you," I call and she waves in acknowledgement, already off to another set of customers who are studying the menu like there's going to be a pop quiz. They shouldn't. Everything at Bread and Butterfly is amazing. "Anyway, when I thought about telling Finn later, I figured..." I trail off, shrugging again.