It's All Down The Drain (Harry Styles)

Chapter 7

I laughed, trying to search my brain for some way to explain it. “It’s not that I don’t mind it.” I said putting an emphasis on mind, “It’s just that I can’t really deal with any sort of relationship right now. Friends with benefits or not.”

He set his laptop off to the side and stared at me intently for a minute. “What do you have against relationships?” He asked, his eyebrows furrowed together.

“I’m focusing on my career.” I recited. It was something I was always asked and that was always my answer. Always.

He laughed at me for a moment. “You don’t expect me to believe that, do you?”

“Excuse me?”

“That is such an overused excuse.” He said shaking his head.

“What’s so wrong about focusing on my career?” I asked, kind of shocked that’d he’d even challenge me on this.

“You’re not doing it to focus on your career; you’re doing it to purposely push people away.” He said in his low voice.

I was a little offended by what he said. “How do I push people away?”

He shook his head and laughed. “The only time you haven’t tried to push me away was when you were drunk.” He continued. “You don’t even feign interest. When we went out for coffee, you sat there looking miserable, not saying a word. At the music video shoot, you sat on the opposite side of everyone else. You push people away on purpose.”

I stood up, feeling like I was about cry. “Well, thank you for pointing out how much of a fuck up I am.”

I walked away. I hated being so dramatic, but I didn’t even want to look at him. I had never had someone call me out so blankly.

I walked back into his bedroom, sinking down to sit on the floor.

I put my head in my hands and took deep breaths as I felt an anxiety attack come on.

My hands started shaking as my breathing became more and more uneven.

“Whoa, are you okay?” Harry asked, sitting down next to me and grabbing my shaking hands. “Look at me.” He directed. “Breathe.”

I looked at him, inhaling a deep breath with tears welling up in my eyes. I didn’t want to look at him.

Harry’s POV

“Look at me.” I said holding onto her hands. I didn’t know that saying what I said would cause this. She always seemed so strong. “Breathe.” I whispered.

She looked up at me with tears in her bright green eyes and just stared.

“I-I’m sorry.” I stuttered. “I said a bunch of stuff I shouldn’t have said.”

She shook her head, her breathing still uneven. “This is why I don’t want a relationship.” She said laughing pitifully.

She smiled through her tears and for a moment, it was stunning, but when it faded, it was devastating.

“Why?” I asked slowly, completely terrified of the answer and wondering if I’d start something else. “Because you had an anxiety attack? Tons of people get those.”

She shook her head again and looked everywhere in the room except at me. “That’s just part of it.”

She stayed quiet for another moment and I was too afraid to say anything.

I didn’t want to hurt her any more than I already had and I definitely didn’t want to ruin anything between us.

That is, if there still was anything.

See, I liked everything about her. I liked how she was quiet, but she wasn’t afraid to say something or banter around with anyone. I thought she was utterly gorgeous. She was so much of a mystery and every single time she opened up her mouth to speak, I couldn’t do anything except pay attention to what she was doing.

“I’m such a mess.” She said, more to herself than to me. “I have more secrets than anyone could bear to keep. It tears me apart every single day.”

The girl in front of me suddenly started to actually show herself. She wasn’t a smug, happy-go-lucky girl.

She was broken.

Everything inside of me wanted to fix it.

Ainslie’s POV

“It tears me apart every day.” I said with tears welling up in my eyes. “I’m too busy trying to keep myself together that there’s no possible way I could focus on trying to make someone else happy.”

It was quiet and Harry hadn’t said anything in a few minutes.

I laughed pitifully to myself. “Great, now you think I’m crazy.”

I looked down at his big hands still wrapped around mine. “I don’t think you’re crazy.” He said lowly. “Listen, Ainslie, I know I’ve been pushing things a lot between you and I, but seriously, I’m here for anything if you need me.”

“Thanks.” I whispered.

Harry released my hands and relaxed beside me.

We talked for a few more hours. It wasn’t like small talk though. We had the longest heart to heart that I had ever had with another human being.

I liked Harry. I really, truly liked him, but I couldn’t deal with him while dealing with my eating disorder and the different disorders in my past.

It hurt too much to even think about.