Autumn Leaves

Every Small Way

"Who's trying to stcheal him?" a voice says from behind.

As if summoned at the mention of his name, Nick climbs over the seat next to me, placing his tray down. He looks radiant in a white long-sleeve, hair tussled after a shower, freckles crinkling as he breaks out in a smile. He wraps his arm around my neck and pecks me on the cheek. Better than yesterday, I suppose. I'll take it.

Steph drums her fingers on the table, glancing back and forth between Nick and me.

"I am," she answers. "You know what this is about."

The shadow of a blush graces Nick's cheeks. OK, I was cautiously optimistic before, but now I'm a little on edge.

"Can I come?" Ansel says, my second boy in our eternal sandwich. Always Nick on the right; Ansel on the left.

"If you want," Steph responds. "but I was really hoping to get them alone for uh... Well, a few reasons."

"That's OK," Ansel says morosely. "I don't want to get in your way."

"It's up to the boys. Might be weird is all I'm saying."

"Yeah, I'm cool with that," I say, taking another spoonful of cereal. Nick stiffens on my right.

"Uh, you know I love you, dude, but this is kinda private. It's only for one lunch."

Ansel stares at Nick for a long few seconds, then back down at his croissants. "Whatever."

The mood just went and died. Steph excuses herself, saying she needs to get a few things ready. I ask her where she wants us to meet, and she says it'll just be easier if she picks me up out front the cafeteria, soon as the lunch bell rings. I watch her go, then spy Jess and Cal's eyes on me. I stare at them, and they quickly look away.

Ansel and Nick are noticeably quiet, and I wonder what just in the hell happened to cause this sudden rift. Awkward silences I despise, so after trying, and failing to come up with something witty and provocative, I go for something easy. I ask Jess what new show she's discovered on Netflix and she launches into a huge spiel about how the latest season of an animated show had her bawling, Cal throwing in a quick jab, calling the show crap.

That set off a huge 'debate' and I almost completely miss Ansel slipping away to my left. I call out his name, but he ignores me, hurrying off, tray in hand. I look back to Nick, and he eats his eggs and toast like nothing's out of the ordinary. I sigh. We're not dysfunctional, are we?

Jess and Cal feel more distant—and volatile—than usual. Steph unwittingly threw a grenade in our laps before running off, oblivious to the chaos left behind. But even aside from that, she's always kept at a safe distance from the rest of us, except maybe Nick. I feel like we're splintered, pieces that just can't fit together and—

Nick squeezes my knee under the table, and my body flushes with adrenaline. He knows when I'm in my freakout moods and he knows just how to pull me out of them. I thought he wasn't paying attention, but he always is, and I think I would have gone full-on panic attack dozens of times by now if not for his gentle nudging, keeping me rooted and sane in this messy high school world. God, he's a miracle.

***

I'm under no illusion what lunch is all about. I was stupid. Had a mind blank. Stayed that way all through double social science when Mr. Taghmaoui said something about photography being the meeting of science and art and then it clicked. This was that freaking photoshoot Steph had slyly teased before I hopped on a plane halfway across the world, shutting that conversation out of my mind like a bad memory.

I was so not ready. Tried to weasel my way out of it, but she wasn't taking any of my calls, and I couldn't find her at recess. Torn between trying to stick by Ansel, and Nick wanting me all to himself, I was already in a bit of a predicament. I wanted to tell Nick about Ansel. But that isn't fair on Ansel and I've been trusted to keep that secret. If he knew, it'd definitely make it a lot easier to convince him to let me go, but some small, selfish part of me kind of wants to just stick by Nick. Not even small actually.