Emotions and Words Turned into Poetry

A Letter To...

Dear ___,

I don't know how to start - I've always been the awkward type... Let's start with the weather! It's okay over here. It keeps fluctuating from sunny, to cloudy, to rainy, to sunny again. But it is summer. So why should I complain?

I don't do much during the summer, really. I never like to go outside. The outside world is scary. People are scary. Trusting people is becoming more and more... scary... I don't really know what to do, to be honest. I lock myself in my room. Sometimes I'll sit downstairs with my parents and watch some TV. But most of the time I'm upstairs on my phone - because that's where my true friends are. Or at least, the people that care about me. I'll sit up here for hours, laying on my bed and hurting my fingers as I type away at this false keyboard. And all for what...? Since you all end up disappointed and disappearing in the end...

I had an anxiety attack last night. It was very late at night. Around 3:36 AM? Maybe around 4 AM? I can't remember the exact time. But I know I had some type of attack. Because I was crying, shaking, I couldn't breathe. My lungs were screaming at me. And my thoughts were running around so fast within my head that it felt like my ears would've started to bleed.

But then my real life friend asked if I was okay. And why would I lie to her? I've known her for almost five years!! So, I tell her that I have abandonment issues. That when people leave me, and don't respond to me after long periods of time - 4 hours and more - I start panicking. It drives me insane. Because what if they don't return? What if they don't want me anymore?

Want to know what she said to me? That I don't deserve the right to have abandonment issues.

That me still having my biological parents should mean I don't have abandonment issues.

You can have your true parents, and still have abandonment issues, right? Or am I just a stupid freak who doesn't know anything...

She swore at me. Yelled at me. Because she didn't understand. So... I yelled back. I swore back. And I'll show you my reply! Copy and paste is amazing!

'It's bad to compare ////... Don't use me against myself, Please. I know I'm an idiotic person. I know I'm fucking stupid for thinking the way I do - for feeling the way I do! It's hilarious, right? HUH?! I shouldn't be the one feeling this way, right?! I have everything anyone could want. Bull fucking shit. My family is something else. You wouldn't last a day with mine - my whole family. One almost tried to kill another, tried to put one in prison, robbed another, is an alcoholic, a druggy. A bunch have outcasted me and my parents! Because we're actually trying to live a life without drama! Let's see... It'd be better if I was... I don't know... Dead, right? So another child could take my place? So you wouldn't have to deal with my shit? So everything could just go back to its peaceful serenity?! ... I don't deserve anything of what I have, I know this. For Christ's sake //// do you think I even want to be yelled at for all the problems I have?! NO! I FUCKING DON'T!! Half the time I don't know why I have these problems!! Why I have these feelings, thoughts, emotions - but I got them! And I don't do anything to get rid of them! Not unless you count going to a counselor and lying through your teeth half the time so you don't get put on so much more medication!! ... Fuck me... right? If I was 20ft in the ground, the sky would be it's clearest... I deserve the silence. The depression. The anxiety. The thoughts. The pain. The fear... What if you don't come back?
What if everyone doesn't come back?
What if I'm left here?!
Ha... I deserve it.
And everyone would laugh.'

She apologized after that, oh trust me! She did. She knows I have s higher sensitivity after I have an anxiety or panic attack. And she felt awful. But that was my response.

I don't know!

Where this was going... God only knows!

But, I miss you, the ones I don't name. Anyone could be placed in ___, you could think you're the missing name!

Maybe you are?

Maybe it's multiple people?

Only I know that answer.

What does it feel like, to be left in the dark?
To have a string with s diamond tied to its end hung in front of you - but you're too far away to grab it?

What's it like?

Oh no! Don't explain it to me! I know the feeling all too well.

This letter went nowhere.

I'll probably delete it later.

But no one would even notice it went up.

Anyways!
I hope you have a good day, ____.
And I hope the weather is nice.