You don't know this about me. In fact, you don't know much about me to begin with. But that's okay, because I don't know a whole lot about you either. All I know is your first and last name. You're 24, but I don't even know your birthday. I know that you're good at playing pinball, that you can be sweet, and that you have firm lips and a warm tongue.
What do you know about me? That I just turned 21. That I used to get heartbroken by the sight of you, because you reminded me of someone I used to have feelings for. That I've worked in this office longer than you. And that I'm in a relationship.
But recently, you've discovered something. You've discovered that despite my being in a relationship, I still care about you and that I always have. It wasn't just the drunkenness talking, it was always true. You discovered that I had a sex dream about you, because Allie accidentally told all the coworkers while we were at the bar. You discovered that I get a major boost of courage from alcohol.
There's still so much that you don't know, though.
You don't know that I overthink everything, even when I'm told not to. You don't know that I have extreme anxiety issues, depression, and such a low self-esteem that when you were calling me pretty that night, I was genuinely flattered. You don't know that I've been replaying the times we kissed over and over in my head, because in that moment, I was at my happiest for the whole weekend. And you don't know how badly it affects me that we can't talk about it because I have so many questions left unanswered about that night. Why did we do it? Did you enjoy it? Was it really just because of alcohol? Or did you actually want me to kiss you? Would you do it again, if given the opportunity? Do you like me? Or was I just annoying the whole night? And you also don't know how much I hate when questions are left unanswered. Because I hate being left in the dark.
And you don't know how much this eats me up but it does. I'm full of guilt, of pain, and longing, just a whole mixture of emotions that you probably wouldn't understand because I'm sure you and I have completely different opinions on what happened. And while you think it was a meaningless kiss, I'm over here liking you. But no, I'm not in love with you. I just kind of like you and I'm dying to know what you actually think about me, because everything is giving me mixed signals. You bought me a couple drinks that night, and you told me to remember what you had said about me at our office Christmas party. That I am "the sweetest person in the office." And while that may have one meaning to you, it means a lot to me.
And I'm upset that I stooped so low as to cheat on my relationship with you. Because I always had such high expectations of myself, but now I feel as if I can't even call myself a "morally upstanding person" because if anything, I'm just a liar and a hypocrite. I used to judge people so much when they cheated on their relationships. And now look at me. I'm no better than they are.
But you also don't know how miserable I am in my relationship. That I'm looking for excuses to talk to you about it. Not to try to make any moves, but just to talk. So we can at least understand each other on a friend level. Sure, I may like you, but that doesn't mean I want to pursue you. These feelings laid dormant before kissing you, and that night just made it harder to retain them. Give it a week or two, and I can go back to suppressing them without a problem. But this relationship that I'm in is driving me crazy. You don't know how alone I've been feeling because he's always gone. Because he's always preoccupied with more important things. You don't know how angry I got when he told me he was moving away with or without me as soon as he graduates from college next year. You don't know how left out I feel when I'm around him and his friends, because their one common interest divides me from the rest of them. And you don't know how long I've been questioning whether I should stay with him, or whether I should find a reason to move on.
You don't know this, but I'd like a better friendship with you. The way Faby has with Rob. Where they're so close that everyone in the office assumes they're hooking up, even though they aren't. You don't know how sweet you used to come across before we ever kissed. Or even how sweet you were when we did kiss. You don't know that I'm craving more, unless I'm making it obvious when we're around each other. And you don't know that although I hate this office, I don't want to leave it because I'll be leaving behind amazing friendships that I've created over the past three years that I've been there.
And you'll probably never know any of this if you don't give me the chance to talk to you. Unless you're better off not knowing.
