Just Play Along

Fifty Three & Fifty Four

"Yeah but..." I started, feeling like I was losing my argument. "What about Freddy?"

"What about him?"

"You were both working when he was sick! How can you let someone down like that? Isn’t it necessary to pick one or the other? Work or family?"

"Jess you were just a little kid!" my Mum said, "Your father and I were there every day at Freddy’s bedside. We started sign language lessons the second things turned bad!"

"But..."

"Jess, what's really going on? Because I think you’re just trying to use Freddy as a scapegoat for something else."

"I..." I started, before snapping my mouth shut.

"What?" my Mum asked, prodding me on.

"I don't want to hurt him."

“Who? Aston?” my Mum questioned.

“Yeah,” I sighed.

"Is that because you care about him?" my Mum asked, a smile playing on her face.

"What?!"

"Just wondering," she said. "I think you need to speak to him. It's clear that you want to try this with him, but you're obviously scared, which is probably why you’ve been so mean to him."

"But..."

"I bet he'll be at that charity dinner next weekend," my mum said. "Just tell him all of this."

"All of what? We haven't really said anything!" I exclaimed.

"Yes we have," my Mum said, "You have concerns about your job and spending time together, but you clearly care for him. You're scared of committing because you don't want to hurt him, so you've put up a front to scare him off. As you do with everyone..." she concluded, hitting the nail absolutely on the head.

"Whaaa?" I said, shocked she'd figured it all out. She was right.

"Just talk to him," she prompted. "Every relationship is different. What your father and I have works for us, now you need to figure out what works for you and Aston."

I sat and stared at her, contemplating all of this. Was it something I actually wanted to do. Or should I just keep pushing him away, to protect him from what I could end up doing to him?

After speaking to my mother for another half an hour and apologizing for insinuating that she was the reason I wasn’t interested in relationships, I left my childhood home and made my way back to my flat.

I had a lot on my mind. If anything, I was more confused than I had ever been. I really didn’t know what to do, and honestly I was pretty sure it would be a late in the game decision as to how I reacted the next time I saw Aston. If my Mum was right, he would be at the same charity event as me the following week. It was for the charity that got us into our whole mess in the first place, after all.

All I knew was that whatever my decision was, it depended on his reaction. He knew that I was a total train wreck when it came to this kind of thing. Would he really bother being further linked with someone like me, that could snap at any moment? I’d texted him after the football earlier in the day and not heard back. Maybe he was ignoring me because he was seriously over it?

Why did matters of the heart have to be so difficult?

PART FIFTY FOUR

“What about this one?” I asked, turning slowly in my front lounge. Marnie was sat on the sofa with a glass of wine, eyeing up the different dresses I was trying on for her.