✰ please accept that i'm not the best writer ✰
requests are not being taken at the moment !
they will be opening again once i get a few drafts completed !
cover by @krisbryants !!
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Ian walks in, only to find me sitting in the exact same spot I had been before he'd left. But he doesn't seemed fazed. I haven't moved in days, not since - the accident. I've stayed home from work, only to sit on this couch, staring at god knows what. I haven't eaten. I've barely slept. I haven't even showered - in days. All of these tasks have been replaced by crying - tons of crying. Suddenly feeling a warm hand inch its way up and down my arm, I turn to see Ian sitting beside me on the couch that I've made my home. He offers a soft smile and I wish I could return the action. But the last time I smiled was when my brother was alive. Just the thought sends me into another fit of tears and screams. Ian instantaneously wraps his arms around me, pulling me into his chest as I shake with every sob. My breaths are shaky. And my palms are sweaty, despite how cold I feel. Ian tightens his grip around me, rubbing his hand up and down my back gently. I look up to him, meeting his eyes. And even though he definitely didn't reflect happiness before, he sure as hell doesn't now, seeing me. His face falls noticing my devil-red eyes, and my face that seems to be slimming down even more everyday. And the lack of food is definitely not helping. Tears slowly slip out of Ian's eyes. I've done this to him. I've hurt him. Why do I keep hurting people? Things like these run through my mind too often. My broken fucking mind, I've become convinced I can't be fixed.
"Baby, do you want something to eat?" His voice is soft, yet shaky. And while I want to say yes, to sit down and enjoy a nice meal with my husband - I can't. I can't even urge myself to move to the other side of the couch, let alone to the dinner table. I wipe the tears that continue to fall from my eyes. Sniffling, I shake my head, saying no without actually having to say no. I'm weak to a point where I can't speak without losing it. Everything just reminds me of that night; of the call from my brother I chose to ignore, the voicemail he left, and the call from the hospital, only a mere hour later. It was all my fault, and now he's gone.
"You need to eat, Morgan." I slowly lift my head to face him, completely unaware of what was going to leave my mouth next.
"You know what else I needed to do? I needed to answer that fucking call, Ian. But I didn't. I didn't and now he's gone. And I can't do anything about it. But the fucked up thing is, I could have. I could have picked up the phone. I could have told him that I would pick him up. But no, I fucking let the phone ring. And he got in a car, drunk. And now he's gone. Sometimes people die at the expense of 'needing' to do something. So maybe if I don't eat for long enough, I'll die too. Because I didn't do what I needed to do. I-I deserve to die. I want to die, Ian!" I can't control my actions. Pounding on Ian's chest, tears fall from my eyes, to my cheeks, to my t-shirt, soaking everything they make contact with. And the tears don't stop. Ian's face softens. He doesn't last out at me. Ian isn't like me. He can control himself, especially around the people he loves. He's a good person, unlike me. As I continue to throw fists at Ian out of anger, he grabs onto either of my wrists, leaving me a crying mess. I scream. I cry. I let everything out. My voice shakes, as do my hands. My breathing is heavy, and almost unattainable. And my sobs only become louder. But Ian doesn't care - because he loves me. I slowly collapse into his chest again. My screams become quiet shouts. My tears continue to fall from my eyes. And I continue to remain broken.
"Morgan, don't you ever say that again. Okay? There is nothing I want more than to have you in my life forever. And it hurts so fucking much to see how painful your life is right now. I want to help you, Morgan. I want you to be happy. But first, you have to be willing to accept help, okay? I loved your brother, too. I really did. But Morgan, you can't blame it on yourself. It was his fault for making the decision to drive after a night of drinking." He runs his fingers through my hair as a way to calm me down. But the last thing I could be right now is calm.
"B-but he called me!"
"And you were busy. Morgan, what happened can't be changed. And you know that. But you also need to know that no one would ever wish for your brother to be in this situation. And I sure as hell know, you would go back and change everything if you could. And it's unfortunate that you can't do that. But that doesn't change the fact that he'll always be with us - with you. He's always here. Morgan. And I know that if he's watching, he wouldn't be happy hearing you say how you want to die. No one would be. You are so loved. BY everyone - your mom, your dad, your friends, and especially - me. I love you so much. And it physically hurts me hearing you say these things. So please, for me, let me help you get through this." Midway through Ian talking, my tears dried. I stopped shaking. And I found myself simply enjoying these moments in which I get to spend in the arms of my loving husband.
"I-Ian, I'm broken," I've become numbed. With no feeling of sadness or even anger, I simply stare at Ian. But then he gives me that look - that look that could tell me any day that everything will be all right.
"But you don't have to be." He says softly, caressing my cheek. And while I don't think I could ever forgive myself, I'm going to try - for Ian.
"O-okay. I'll try to get better, Ian." My voice is almost as quiet as a pin drop. But in our empty apartment, that is the only sound. Ian's face immediately lights up.
"Really?" He asks, gripping onto my hands.
"Yes. I'm trying for you." Ian pounces on me, planting quick kisses all over my face and neck. And somewhere in between kisses, Ian pauses in front of me. Simply staring into his eyes as I run my hand along his cheek, softly, I finally fully understand - he really does care for me. And as the thought pops into my head, I do something I didn't imagine I'd ever be able to do again - I smile.
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i honestly feel like i have too much fun writing about sad situations , am i just really messed up or ? lmao anyways ,, i really hope you enjoy it , morgan !! 💗💗
