Effortless (h.s.)

Chapter SIXTEEN - morning after

Sometimes, life hits you with surprises at the weirdest of times. Looking back on the fact that my parents kicked me out is one of the biggest surprises I've ever had occur to me, but at the same time if they hadn't of done it when they did, I wouldn't be here.

I think about things like that a lot. I wonder what would have happened if they had asked me to leave a day sooner, or a day later. Would I have picked this apartment building? Would I still have a relationship with them? Would me and Dylan... have worked?

My eyes didn't open and I tried not to think about Dylan, but he was constantly on my mind. The thought that he kept Nicole in his life only to make me jealous never left me, it buzzed around my head like an annoying little fly that you couldn't swat away long enough to let you breathe. I denied it each time we would hang out, I would act like we used to before he tried anything with me, but we both felt the tension hanging over us.

The day I left my house, two weeks before Harry and I met, Dylan tried to get me to move in with him. At first I thought it was because he was a friend and that's what friends are supposed to do, offer empty gestures.

But when I realized he really meant what he was saying was the same moment he tried to kiss me in his backyard.

I left shortly after that.

The two of us had been getting really close at that time, I wasn't doing very well mentally and I would have accepted anybody in my life. Nonetheless a very attractive boy my age. The amount of stress my parents put on me with me moving out made me push him away.

I think I would have let him in if I had been in that house without any pressures or stress for another week. Another week and everything I know now would be totally different. I don't know why they kicked me out when they did, but it happened. And now I'm here.

Neither of us mentioned it to each other since, and after watching him and Nicole last night I felt bad. I didn't feel anything for Dylan whatsoever, but I think he really wanted me to. I've been in that position before where the person I was infatuated with was so far out of my reach. It's absolutely the most heart wrenching feeling...

When I was a senior in high school, my French teacher taught us a phrase. She told us one day when we would experience it, and had no words to explain it, that the phrase would come back to us.

La douleur exquise, which directly translates to "the exquisite pain." It's a way to describe the hurt and ache of wanting the affection of someone unattainable. I was pretty sure I was Dylan's la douleur exquise.

I hated that I couldn't give him everything he wanted.

But at the same time as Dylan was experiencing his la douleur exquise, I was too.

I was one hundred percent sure that Harry was mine. I wouldn't think about him this much if he wasn't. And I wouldn't pretend like he didn't mean anything to me in front of him if I wasn't so terrified of losing him.

My face was smashed into the softest pillow I could ever imagine, my bed was so comfortable today. I sunk into it and it hugged me tightly. If I never moved again I wouldn't be upset.

I started to think about having to work today with Harry, I was excited to go see him today but at the same time I knew that there was a good chance that Sierra was over at his apartment and I would have to see her again. It was humiliating to me, I didn't mind her as a person, but she was so much better than me. Higher class, prettier, probably happier.

I gave up trying to fall back asleep and sat up in bed, stretching my arms high over my head and letting out an obnoxious yawn.

My eyes opened and my body froze.