Tantalizing Hopes

8. In A New Light

Again, there was no attempt on Eshaal's part to absolve herself of the accusations that was hurled at her. Indirectly it was starting to fuel Zahra's irritation for truth to be told, up until then, there had been silent hope on her part for loud refutal, not subdued acceptance.

"I thought you knew me Eshaal", Zahra whispered, tiredness seeping into her bones. The situation weighed heavily upon her shoulders and there was no denying she felt tired; tired of life, tired of circumstances, tired of having to navigate her way through stuff that scraped her heart and stung her soul, opened festered wounds time and again. "I thought you cared about me."

"I do dude. I care--"

"--but not enough to leave me out of these match making plans of yours." Her tone reflected clear frustration coupled with sadness. "Not enough to pay heed to what I want. Not enough."

"Zahra, I--"

"Stop giving me these poor excuses Eshaal. Please stop. I thought you would let go of the topic. I thought you'd understand. For Allaah's sake I told you directly I have no intention of entertaining any sort of relationship with your brother. I told you I have unresolved issues, didn't I? I'm not at all wife material Eshaal and I'm certain no man would ever find contentment with me. I...I would never be enough." She let out a shaky breath.

"Family life is not for me Eshaal and I clearly told you I'm not meant for it. I thought you would respect my wishes and let go of it, but", she paused, letting her friend know how truly upset she was with her antics, "how wrong can I be? The friend I trusted with my life is out there, trying to spoil whatever peace is left in me." With that final blow, Zahra cut the call and threw her phone, drawing her knees close to her chest before resting her chin on them. Her eyes pinched close on their own.

Reeling over what had conspired moments ago, one by one the words she had thrown at Eshaal came back to haunt her and she started growing restless. There was no doubt about the fact that she hated the way she was behaving with Eshaal, there was no doubt. She despised the words she had chosen, loathed the pain she had caused. She knew for a fact that Eshaal would be bawling like a kid by now because of the hurt she had inflicted upon her, but what else was she to do? Being firm with Eshaal was the only way to make her listen to her. The girl would have never paid heed to her words otherwise.

Zahra rubbed her forehead wishing for it all to quickly come to an end. It killed her to hurt her friend. She felt vile and cruel; annoyed about Ibrahim's mere existence. She didn't want to prolong this issue any more, she didn't want any chasms in their relationship. May Allaah forbid, if any thing occurred that split them, brought about any interlude, there would be a gaping hole in her heart she may never be able to fill.

Apart from her father, for a major part of her life, her three friends were the only ones who had helped make her life bearable, that she was in no position to deny. For a long time, they were the only genuine people she had had with her. Be it sorrow or happiness or pain or joy, they had always been there.

The very thought of them, the mere knowledge that they had her back, to know that they were there no matter what had always given her a sense of security, a wealth of confidence and an inexplicable sense of peace. Even without the use of words, they had understood. Even without the need for explanations, they had known...

Regardless of when and where she needed them, they had always been there.

With them, she had always belonged.

With them, she had felt loved.

They had loved me for me...

Zahra closed her eyes in exhaustion, her heart pleading to the One who had created her.