18

La Douleur Exquise

Note to Readers: "She loved so much, she lost herself." - Unknown

WARNINGS: depression, heart break, unrequited love, crying, self harm urges, self hate, delusion, desperation, mental break down- the fun stuff. :)

—

Shoving my headphones in my ears, I closed my eyes tightly and turn the music up. Just my luck. "For Forever" from Dear Evan Hansen is the last thing I was listening to. The song sounds happy and wonderful out of context... but I know better. Evan, the main character, is creating an imaginary situation where he and Connor - another character, long story - are the best of friends and have a perfect day together.

Evan is so lonely that he get super into the fantasy and delves into his imagination, painting a warm picture of happiness and comfort and friendship. He makes a scenario of the thin he wants the most. A friend. A companion. Someone who care about him and wants him around.

How horribly relatable.

When I hear it, I think of him. I think of how I sit around and think about things that never happened. Or things that did happen, but how they could have gone differently. I don't have much to reflect on really. Just that one Wednesday and all those silly, now meaningless moments. All those things I was so desperate for that I over focused on them and forgot everything else. Like all of the reasons we were doomed to fall apart.

Namely: me.

Quoting songs by our favorite bands. Telling jokes no one understands except us two. And we talk and take in the view.

Closing my eyes, I let myself a moment to actually feel it. I slip far too easily in the memories and fantasies. We're walking nowhere, wandering around in the field by the school. Maybe heading to the bleachers. Maybe heading back from. Maybe ambling in between the two destinations aimlessly. He's smiling and I'm laughing. He puts his hand in his pocket but I don't notice, too busy looking forward and talking.

"Why is it wet?"

Looking over at him, startled, I ask, "What?"

Noticing my bewilderment, he moves to explain, holding up his hand that he'd taken out of his pocket. "My pocket... is wet."

Really, it's silly. And stupid. And we're probably being immature. From then on, though, that's the joke. Why is it wet? The word 'wet' can't come from either of our mouths. The question 'why is it' cannot even be implied without us exchanging looks. That's the joke. And it's hilarious to us.

I'm laughing. Eyes closed, thinking back on a time when SOMETHING was good.

All we see is sky for forever. We let the world pass by forever. Feels like we could go in for forever this way. Two friends, on a perfect day.

Another memory surface, followed by many more. A whole reel of memories about us exchanging music and talking about how they mean so much to us for whatever reason. Sharing tunes and talking and connecting. He single handedly changed my entire music taste. It's amazing really.

All these things that fill my head. These memories. They make me smile at first. Laugh. But then amusement turns to heartbreak as I remember. The fantasy crumbles and I open my eyes, staring ahead as my hand itches to text him. But I know it won't be the same. It won't be like those times. My problems and pains are now all about the loneliness I feel. Being unsure about how to feel and deal with my family, who so suddenly seemed to want to spend time with me just when I was set about writing them off and living the next years of my life as a completely cut off adult, leaving for college and never looking back. My job hurts, when I'm working every day except Sunday, super long hours where everyone is annoyed at me and I have early mornings and I'm surrounded constantly by fake smiles and stress and exhaustion and pain and all I want to do is put in earbuds but I can't because there's no point anyway. I have to be able to hear people call for tortillas or if they're telling me to get out of the way or just in general I need to know what's going on. My church, where the only good thing I had left - my best friend - is being taken from me because she's a leader and an adult and I'm a young woman and he's my leader and all of the alone time we've spent together and texting and calling and such is apparently "inappropriate." Because yes, be friends with your leaders. But at a distance. Otherwise we'll assume the worst simply because it's happened in the past before. My school. I'm moving schools. I'll be the new girl, my senior year. I've already decided to make no friends and just focus on grades. I've already become so consumed by the loneliness that iVe given up and school hadn't even started yet.