18

My Friend, Ana

Note to Readers: Ana is the general name for the feeling and thoughts associated with the eating disorder, anorexia. A lack of appetite or an overall lack of eating. Either is considered anorexia. Ana, to me, is a part of my side, Norma. So you'll be seeing a lot of her in this. Also, this isn't in chronological order. I'm a mess. This is how my brain works. I apologize.

Warning: Self hate, self deprication, hunger, Ana, anorexia (pretty tame levels)

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You've been eating a lot all day. Skip dinner, you'll be fine.

I mean there is a point here. You don't have to eat all meals of the day and you have eaten a lot. You feel full. You don't have to eat dinner if you don't want to.

Exactly.

"Dinner's ready!" My mom called, nodding over to the table of food my aunt had cooked. It looked so good. My stomach lurched a bit. Half of me saw with my eyes, but the logical part of me reminded me that I didn't need to eat. I didn't exorcise a lot and had to watch myself. I don't want to gain a bunch of weight.

"I'll pass. I've had  lot to eat today." My mom gave me a quizzical look. She knew about my old habits. I rolled my eyes. "Seriously mom I'm not even hungry."

"Okay..." and she moved to get food for herself and the little kids.

My eyes landed on the candy. Not an entire meal, and homemade. My aunt had made those too. They looked delicious.

Um, no. We skipped dinner because eve had too much to eat today.

And now we're allowed to eat a few pieces of candy. Shush.

I took a few pieces. It was very good.

You're disgusting. We skipped dinner so you could eat candy?

Well we would have had both before....

You seriously have no self control. You're getting pretty chubby sweetheart. How do expect anyone to be attrcaticted to a butterball?

I'm not that bad. We've already established that guys tend to like thick girls anyway.

Oh really? Seriously? Where did you get that idea?

Erick.

The guy who used you because he was lonely and bored? Not a god example?

Gage.

...Okay. Fair example. He only wanted you for your body though. You guys were friends with benefits. The not-so-innocent kind.

We didn't do anything.

Doesn't mean you weren't planning too.

So what? The point is that I can be thick and attractive.

That's one guy though. One horny guy. You only want to attract horny guys?

I... No. Of course not.

Whatever. Ignore me. I'm just saying...

"You okay?"

I looked up, forcing myself to smile. "Yeah, totally. Just lost in thought."

"What about?"

"School, mainly," I flat out lied. And so the rest if the night went. I ignored that Norma was bugging me in the way she was bugging me again. I ignored that Norma was Ana bugging me. I ignored that sick feeling in my stomach. I smiled and laughed and listened to music and pretended that my growing anxiety was due to the full day in the car with my entire family. It worked. For now.