Everyone Un-Died + My Gardener Bit Me: The Oral History of the Zombie Apocalypse

Staycation

Spending so much time in isolation really makes you take a long, hard look at yourself. In my heart of hearts, I truly believed that I could eat Top Ramen three meals a day, every day, and never get tired of it. But you know what? I did.

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Jonas Sinclair, 43

Lab Technician

So, um, yeah, I kind of locked myself out of my house. Stupid, right? Would you believe that was the first time I've ever done that? Talk about bad timing, ha-ha! Yeah, I know I'm not supposed to be outside, I just needed to pop out for a quick second. Wanted to see if my new issue of Oprah Magazine had been delivered. I like to read it in the bath tub. Which is where I was planning on going next. That's why I'm just wearing this towel. So if you could help me out here, I'd really appreciate it. Uh, no, actually, I don't have any I.D. on me. I'm just wearing a towel, as was previously established. Yes, I understand you can't let me in without I.D., but if you'd let me in the house you'd see that I do have I.D. Don't you see? This is a Catch-22. I can't go into the house until you see my I.D., but you can't see my I.D. until I go into the house. We can literally go around and around on this forever, but the only way this is going to be solved is if you stop mindlessly following orders like a good German and actually think for yourself. Ow! Ow! Come on, quit it! Ow! OK, fine. I'll find someplace else to go. But could you at least give me back my towel?

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Sunny Genesis, 38

Kale Farmer

Hey, man, we had no quarrel with the whole "quarantine" thing. It's the prudent thing to do. But what the members of our eco-village strenuously object to is the idea that we need to rely on outside authority. In fact, the entire reason we started Fourier Pines was to prove that people are capable of self-organization and self-regulation without being physically threatened with force by an external authority. We sent the National Guard away and, instead, trusted our residents to self-report any signs or symptoms they experienced that was consistent with the zombie infection, for the good of the community. It didn't work. I'm the only non-zombie left. Please get me the hell out of here!

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Name and age withheld

Looter

I don't mean to brag, but I do consider myself something of a looting connoisseur. I've done pretty much all the important loots — from the sultry, soulful blackout in New York City to the righteous rage-filled rebellion in Los Angeles to the Latte Slurping Yuppies in Seattle. But it's not just about the big loots. I loved the smaller, more intimate loots too, when a town was abandoned after a flood or an Oakland Raiders game. This is my passion. This is my art. But it's been a long time since I've gotten my loot on. I had to leave the Las Vegas protests because of an injury. It's nearly impossible to carry a large-screen TV by yourself when you've pulled a muscle in your groin. (Remember: You should always stretch before you loot!) And a few days after the robots attacked, I did steal a shopping cart full of canned goods, a hockey mask and a fish tank filled with weed killer and some uninflated beach balls. I tried to tell myself that I was looting, but deep down, I knew I was just scavenging. To be real with you, I thought my looting days were behind me. But then I heard about the quarantine! With citizens forced off the streets and law enforcement spread thin, this was my chance! I looked at myself in the mirror. Do I have one more loot in me? My reflection had gray hair and wrinkled skin, but in his eyes there was still that old looting spirit. So I'm going. Can I bring you back anything?

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Muriel Severin, 24

Dog Walker

Oh, it is an amazing time to be a licensed dog-walker! Usually, I'm looked down on, but now I stride the earth like a colossus! Why? Because half of the population owns a dog, and none of their owners are allowed out of their residences. But we are! Talk about your captive market! What's that you say? Charging a hundred bucks a dog per hour is really steep? Well, you know what else will be really steep? The mountain of dog shit in your living room! Hahahahahahaha! Pay up, bitches! Get it? Get it? What? You don't think that's funny? Fine. Now it's two hundred bucks per dog per hour! Hahahahahahaha!

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Private Steven Smarslok, 25

National Guardsman

I see you. I see the way you look at me. I see the fear in your eyes, the tremble in your hands. But I'm not the enemy here. I'm not a monster. Behind this polyethylene faceplate is a living, breathing person, just like you. With hopes and dreams for the future like anyone else. And if you saw me when I was off duty, I bet you'd be surprised how friendly I am. I do card tricks, I paint — landscapes, mostly — I grow award-winning radishes. So sweet you'd think that they're candy. But... I also have a job to do. And that job is protecting you, the public, from the scourge of the un-dead. And yes, sometimes that means threatening you with my M16A2 rifle that I've named Katarina. Such a good girl! Or cracking you in the head with a riot baton. And sometimes, I use unkind words. But please understand that when you're, say, an expectant mother and I'm screaming at you to GET THE FUCK BACK IN YOUR HOUSE, LADY! DO YOU HEAR ME! GET BACK IN YOUR FUCKING HOUSE OUR I WILL SHOOT YOU AND YOUR FETUS IN YOUR RESPECTIVE HEADS! it is because I want to keep you and your precious baby safe. It's because I care.