Y'all I really can't get over this shit. Like this is really hitting me hard. I never once thought Jahseh would die. I really didn't ever plan on letting him go you know. I planned on moving to Florida just to fucking meet him and be closer to him in hopes of meeting him and now that's all gone. He's gone. I really loved this man wholeheartedly. The first time I heard his music (from my boyfriend) I didn't like it that much cause I thought it was too angry. This was in summer 2015. I used to be very depressed and I've tried committing suicide a few times sadly that shit didn't work. One night I was super depressed and pissed af cause my dad was being abusive and yelling at me and saying shit about me, so I put on Look at me. I remember just feeling so angry. Angry at my dad and angry at myself for feeling. Look at me was an angry song and I liked that because that's how I always felt. Fucking angry. I haven't listened to any music besides X's since. I literally grew with him. As he became older, wiser and more positive, I did too. His music and his self in general really pulled me out of a bad depression and a very unhealthy drug addiction. Also self harm and suicidal thoughts. I became more positive and I became more loveable. I actually kind of liked the person I was becoming. Now what do I do? I'm right back in that hole. I know I didn't know X but, I really did know him. I knew him enough to love him. Enough to support him. I knew him enough to put my happiness into his hands and I could never tell you why. I don't know why he meant so much to me. I'm lost now. You always lose people you need. You have to learn to not need anyone. And you think you've learned to not need anyone and then someone you care about dies, and you need them. Everyday I honestly forget he's gone. Then I see him on someone's insta and I remember. He's actually fucking gone. I hope wherever he is, he's happy and safe. I hope he's okay. My biggest inspiration, the only reason I had dreams. I never did before because every dream was too happy and I could not achieve happiness for myself no matter how hard I tried. But then he came and I had so many dreams to just meet him. Talk to him. Maybe learn what goes on inside his head or try to figure out what goes on. Now it's all ruined. It's all gone. And I can't do nothing. I'm almost 8 months pregnant with a little girl. She's the only reason I'm still here. And now that I'm a mom to a dead baby and soon to be born baby, I can imagine the pain jahsehs mom is going through. Please pray for her. Loosing a baby is the hardest thing you could imagine. Loosing a baby you had for 20 years is so horrible. I honestly don't know where I'm going with this it's all over the place. I just need to vent I guess. I do have an unreleased X fanfic. I don't know if I'll publish it. If I do I have to change the end, since it can no longer end happily. Maybe I'll publish it in some time. When my nan died everyone told me "she's in a better place" or "she's happier now" to be honest that shit pissed me off. She isn't in a better place, she belongs here with her family etc etc. But I really do feel like X is happier now. I miss him. And I will never fully get over his death. But I will love each day in a way he'd be proud of. I'll be positive and kind. I'll help others but still take care of myself. All of us should. He'd want it that way. I love you Jahseh. I hope to see you soon.
If anyone needs to talk I'm always here. I love you all and I hope we can all get through this shit as a family. X's fans should be one big family right now.
