Cause and Effect

Twenty

My Nike trainers made practically no sound as I walked across the grass of the first team training field. It felt odd being out there without football boots on. But then, everything about that moment felt uncomfortable. I knew Alexis saw me approaching, but he continued to dribble around with the ball as if I was another imaginary defender in his mind's eye, waiting for him to cross the ball so I could intercept it. That was Alexis. You could say what you liked about him, but everything he had he'd worked hard for.

"Lex I'm sorry," I said, after a moment of observing him. "You were right, I... I realised I've been lying to myself for a little while now, but I can't do this anymore."

Alexis kicked the ball up to his hands, caught it, and came to stand in front of me. His expression was calm, as was his voice, when he finally spoke. Only his brown eyes betrayed the turbulence his mind was in.

"What are you trying to say?" He asked. "What can't you do anymore?"

"This!" I gestured to the space between our bodies. "Our relationship, this whole not-talking to each other thing. I'm not feeling what I should be feeling for you for this to work, and no it's not someone else, it's just... football, and things, you know everything seemed to change between us when we started dating, I think... I think we should end it, we were better off when we were just friends."

Alexis listened, watching my facial expressions change as I talked, and when I'd done he moved closer, and took my hands, moulding them around the football that was positioned between us, both physically and metaphorically.

"I don't think I can do just friends with you Nia," he breathed heavily, and I sighed. "But," he continued, "I guess I'll have to try. I think I always knew, you know? But I wanted to believe I had a chance."

"Don't ever think I wasn't always 100% genuine with you Lex," I said, looking down at the ball in our hands. "I swear to you, I never cheated, it wasn't like you thought. I'm just sorry I couldn't be who you needed me to be."

I glanced up at him, and our gazes locked. I don't think I truly comprehended the fact that I'd broken him until that moment, he found it so easy to put on this front of easy assurance for the rest of the world, but I'd known him for so long that I could see in his eyes what he was really feeling. He shook his head, and dropped his gaze towards the ball again.

"I gotta go," he pushed the ball into my hands. "Thank you, for... being honest."

"I don't regret trying, you know," I said quietly.

He raised his eyes to my face, and a ghost of a smile graced his lips.

"Yeah, neither do I, Nia."

I watched until he disappeared out of sight into the training complex, but it was some time before I followed him myself. Eventually, however I did. I left Alexis' ball, which I was still holding, in one of the ball bins to get pumped up again, and headed back to the training ground's cafeteria.

I was thoughtful as I took my food from the counter, thanking the chefs, and sliding into the empty seat beside Hector, and opposite Neymar and Granit. The three of them raised their eyebrows simultaneously, questioning how it had gone. It was almost comical, and I laughed softly, shaking my head.

"Everything's fine, I'm okay, and Lex... will be. It's just... I feel a bit sick inside, you know? But it will pass."

They all nodded, understanding that I wasn't in the mood to talk about it. Hector put his arm around me, and pulled me close to his side. I rested my head on his shoulder, and picked at my food, ignoring the boys as they returned to their conversation. I needed some time to think.