book of f-ckery

contradicting myself (skip)

again, i have nowhere else to put this.

i can't stop thinking about you. no one will listen to me talk about you either. it annoys everyone and nobody cares.

but i have to say things though. 99% of the things in my life remind me of you.

and that makes it so much harder to forget.

i can't forget the first time we kissed. the way you were shaky and nervous and how you blushed awkwardly afterwards. i can't forget the first time you came to my house. i made a joke about standing under mistletoe and you cupped my face in your hands and kissed me like you meant it. we played call of duty together and i kept getting mad when you killed me. we sat up against each other on the couch and you played with my hair while i traced unknown patterns on your thigh. i can't forget christmas. we stayed up late talking on christmas eve. i went to sleep and you stayed up all night. i woke up at six that morning to not only adorable pictures of you but also the sweetest message ive ever recieved. it was probably the best christmas ive ever had. i can't forget all the nights we stayed awake talking. you would call me and we'd fall asleep on the phone. we talked about the universe. about us. the future. we would laugh and poke fun at each other until the crack of dawn. i can't forget your smile. the way your eyes crinkle up and sparkle whenever you laugh. i can't forget the way your hand fit in mine. it was warm. it felt safe. i can't forget how you held me. you held me like you'd lose me if you let go. i felt at home in your arms. i can't forget looking up at you when we had conversations. you're taller than me. it kinda made my neck hurt to look up at you, but it was worth it if it meant i could see your face. i can't forget the second time you came to my house. i found a dead mouse in the pool and held it towards you. you laughed, telling me to fuck off until i threw it over the fence. i can't forget the times i cried over you. the nights i stayed awake worried sick about you. i can't forget the things ive done for you. the small gifts. everything ive sacrificed and given you. i can't forget the first time you broke up with me. you left because you chose to believe the words of a chronic liar. the words of a girl who broke your heart. she lied to you about something i said, and you believed her over me. that day was excruciatingly painful. it is burnt into my memory. i didn't cry until that night. i cried myself to sleep. i remember two days later. we got back together, and you were sweet. but the sweetness didn't last. it left as soon as it came back. i can't forget the day you got suspended. it was the last time i ever kissed you. you tasted like weed. it was nice. i haven't seen you since that day. i remember the day you left for good. it hurt. i think it snapped a part of my soul and that's why i can't forget you. you branded it. you're here forever. i can't forget being told that you hate me. i don't know what i did. i can't text you and ask. no one will tell me why. and it hurts, because i still worry about you so much. i think i still love you.

but now, i cannot face you.

if i ever were to see you again, i don't think i would be able to handle it. i think the pain and nostalgia mixed would be too much for me to handle.

why?

why did you do this?

why did you destroy me the way you did?

i don't understand.

im lost.

and i don't know how to find myself again.

–nathaniel