INSIDE OUT : T.K

one

as a kid, you don't really care about how you look or how others see you. you don't care about how much you weigh or how to act around other people. you don't need to care. as a kid, you eat whatever you want, whenever you want (most of the time, anyway). you don't care about the effect that the food will have on you later. you don't care about how many calories are in a bag of chips or how many carbs it is.

that changes when you get older. other kids start to notice that your baby fat isn't really baby fat but fat fat. they start teasing you for it, because they're skinny and you're not. you have extra skin and chub and they're mostly skin and bones. their comments shouldn't have an effect on you, but they do. looking in the mirror everyday starts to become something you don't want to do anymore.

middle school just worsens it. new people, new teachers, new environment, it's all so nerve wracking. you want to make a good impression on your first day, right? make some friends, even. that doesn't happen when a group of boys harass you because you're "taking too much of the hallway," everyone laughs at that comment and you can't do anything but stand there, their laughing ringing in your ears.

it gets even worse when your father starts to get involved in criticizing your weight. "aish, don't get a second serving. you've had too much already." you'd never expect your own father to turn on you, but it happens and you don't know how to deal with it. everyday, the comments from your father and the kids at school get worse, but what do you do?

you can do nothing but eat even more. bingeing every night when the house was asleep started to become your specialty. anything you can find in the cabinets - chips, cookies, candies - you ate it all. you couldn't help it. it was your stress reliever. food was the only one there for you when no one else was.

that's how jeon jungkook became three hundred pounds by sophomore year.

by now, no one really commented on jungkook's weight anymore. of course there were a few people, but everyone knew who he was and they didn't find his weight funny anymore. it's 2018 and more people are joining the "body positivity movement" or whatever it's called.

that didn't stop jungkook to continue his bingeing. he's limited it just a bit, only bingeing when he really felt stressed. he knows it isn't healthy and that's what's causing the pounds to keep pile on, but he can't help it. it was like a coping mechanism for him just like how cutting was for depressed people. it helps him.

his father, on the other hand, still comments on his weight and even tries to get him to lose it, taking jungkook out for runs and trying to limit his eating, but his efforts always failed, as jungkook always gained back the pounds he'd lose. thankfully, his mother is fine with his weight and doesn't try to change anything about it.

after years of being friendless, jungkook finally befriended a guy in the same grade as him named park jimin. jimin was new a few weeks ago and to jungkook's surprise, jimin sat next to him at lunch and the two just clicked. jimin being very cheery and bright while jungkook being reserved and quiet really made them connect well, for some reason.

although he won't admit it, jungkook gets jealous of jimin sometimes. the boy was just so beautiful and skinny, two things jungkook wanted to be so badly. jimin was also so nice and sweet, jungkook could only wish he had those qualities. and then there was yoongi, jimin's boyfriend he got after just a week of being the new kid. jungkook was very jealous of their relationship and how yoongi treated jimin with such kindness.

sometimes, just sometimes, jungkook craved for a relationship. he wanted the little touches and the little smiles you get to share with someone else, but he'd probably never get that. who would want to be with him anyways? jungkook was hopeless.

last year when he started high school, these group of girls played a joke on him. on valentines day, one of the girls claimed to have a huge crush on him and wanted to take him on a date. having never experienced someone have a crush on him, jungkook accepted, being actually very excited for the date.

they were supposed to go out to eat, but when jungkook arrived at her house to pick her up, her friends were there instead with her. they started calling him horrible names and even threw food at him. jungkook had to walk home covered in food that night, tears streaming down his face.

the day after, word had spread about what happened to jungkook and he was the laughing stock of the school for a good week. he tried skipping school, but he couldn't without telling his parents what had happened and he sure as hell was not going to tell them. he had told them that the date went well, but she just wasn't his type, not that she humiliated him.

jungkook tries not to think about the negative anymore, but being the way he is, that's all he seems to ever think about. he couldn't help but always compare himself to jimin, even yoongi sometimes, just to bring himself down. his self esteem is barely there, but just looking at someone attractive can make it completely disappear.

the thing is, jungkook wants to be able to love himself. he wants to be able to look in the mirror and like he sees. he wants to be able to go swimming without a shirt on. he wants to feel comfortable with his body, fat or not, but it was like being fat was the worst thing to him.

he hates feeling fat. he hates having to take deep breathes after just a few seconds of running. he hates how he gets tired from just walking. he hates how he's almost always hungry. he hates the stares he gets when he actually eats. he hates the stares he gets when he doesn't eat. he hates the judgement he gets everyday, not just in school, but everywhere else where people just love to send him looks of pity. he hates it he hates it hates it.

he hates himself.

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so?? i'm rewriting this and i promise it'll be better and i'll update more. i hope you guys like this. this was just an inside to jungkook's life and thoughts ect. tae will come in next chapter (:

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