The Phoenix

The Phoenix, Conversation.

I turned and saw Tin Arm with a tray of food. He looked hurt and broken, but there was going to be a beating right here right now.
I opened my mouth, trying to talk, but the words just wouldn't spill, and refused to obey me. I narrowed my eyebrows at him, and felt the tears peek through my eyelids.
His gaze wasn't on me, he refused to look at me, his steel blue eyes were on the ground as he shifted uncomfortablely.
"Let me-"
"NO!" I shouted at him, I wasn't going to listen to bullshit. Not now, not here.
I was done with it. No more.
"Как ты мог! Вы спасли мою жизнь! и вы убиваете всех, кого я волнуюсь! вы пытаетесь заставить меня страдать!" I shouted in Russian, in translation,
"How could you! You saved my life! and you kill everyone i care for! are you trying to make me suffer!"
I could see the pain strike harder in his eyes, they were so broken, even though he wasn't looking at me, they were so damn broken.
I almost had sympathy for him, till I remember the sound of the glass shatter and seeing Helana's face when the bullet hit her back.
My jaw quivered as I tried to find words.
"I didn't do it." He said softly. Looking up at me with pain stricken, steel blue eyes. I gulped at the sight of them. They hurt me.
They made me taste bile in my mouth though for not letting them hurt him.
He deserves it.
That bastard deserves so much, he works for Hydra, and Hydra is shit! So he deserves to go down with them.
"Really? Cause I recall YOU being the one pulling the trigger on her! Shattering the window and making ME watch her eyes sink to a cold and dark place she NEVER deserved to go! Never!" I ranted.
At this point, I were hyperventilating and shaking. Tears streamed my face and I had no control.
I shook my head and pointed at him.
I remember the pocket knife he gave me the first time I saw him, I had hidden it in one of my drawers in my room in Stark tower.
I still had a room there, but I mostly stayed at Steve's apartment, on his couch.
But I thought right then and there,
Why didn't I drive it into his heart? What did I see in him to make me NOT scream, or attack with the pocket knife, why had he trusted me with it?
I felt the pain pull me to hold myself as he just stood there looking like a wounded animal, when I was the one in all the pain.
Why was he acting like a fucking idiot! Why is he faking this broken puppy look? I thought.
I quivered and shook under my skin as I felt wiles of pain wanting to escape.
But my mind wouldn't let that happen, it was gone, and my emotions were haywire. So all I could do was silently sob, and stand in the center if the room like an idiot, holding myself like a child.
I felt a cold clasp around my shoulder, and I was tempted to punch, to kick, to scream or shreak, or something! Just to get him out of your sight.
But all that was useless for what happened next.
He turned me around and put his other hand on my shoulder, looking me in the eyes.
And embrace me, he hugged me like a father should hold his child when they are broken.
That hurt me far worse, for I had never had that experience. Stark steared clear of me, and never liked me. But this?
I was frozen as I heard his heartbeat in his chest.
Why me? Why me? Why did I have to be here? In this situation? I asked myself.
But I didn't say a word.
After he was done hugging me, he still had his hands on my shoulders and crouched a little to look at me.
I was short for a fourteen year old. But I didn't mind, shortness is an advantage in combat sometimes.
"I'm sorry..." He choked out, he was losing his words and all I wanted was to scream in his face, but then another part of me held back.
He was being nice to me, was this a hoex to make it so you trust Hydra? Or was it real?
I didn't know, and i didn't want to. All wanted was to be alone, and sleep it all off.
All off.

• ★ •

I laid on my mattress and thought about the event that had happened no less then three hours ago, I think.

That was the only nice contact I had gotten in all my life. Except a few high fives from the others on the team, or a side hug or two.