Neighbors || Jearmin

When Utopia shatrered down

It's too much to ask for a moment like this to last forever? Happiness to it's fullest, freedom, love.

Maybe this is why something felt off for Jean, even if he didn't want to admit it. Giving in and enjoying that overwhelming feeling again, like he deserved it.

Without Marco.

Memories hit him in that exact second, when he found himself really, really happy. But memories can't wait, they just come to you when your guards are down enough for you not to be able to hold them back and locked down. And Jean's guards were nowhere to be found, so behind his eyelids the image of Marco shone bright, smiling at him like he always did. It was the day they went to that concert, walking side by side on the road and Marco decided to go crazy so he turned around, grabbed his hand and kissed him right there and then in the middle of a crowded street of Tokyo, and then run dragging Jean behind him without another word.

And Jean's chest hurt. It hurt like it only did once in his life, cutting his breath like a knife pressed to his neck and freezing his body, his mind, the blood in his veins. Only the slow-motion movie of Marco running in front of his eyes was still working, and the tears burst out his eyes like two waterfalls. And Jean jumped away, rolling down the bed and hitting the floor with a loud thump but his shocked mind didn't process the pain. He curled up against the closet, breathed out and collapsed in sobs with his knees against his chest and his head down, darkness swallowing him and his pain. He almost didn't hear Armin's voice calling his name, the only clear sound was his own heart hammering against his chest eclipsing even his wild, heavy breath.

"Jean! What- hey, hey..." The blonde was already there, kneeling by his side, a hand doubtfully reaching for Jean's hands. At the soft warm feeling Jean shuddered causing Armin to move his hand away.

The younger was confused, shocked and mostly scared. He had no idea what was happening to Jean. He had never seen the male cry, much less collapse like that. So, Armin was truly scared and worried, not knowing how to act or what to say, or even if it was ok to say something.

"What happened?" He asked carefully, his own voice betraying him. But there was no response from Jean, and Armin bit back a second question. He then sat down on the floor then against the bed, far enough from the other, observing the static dark shadow of Jean. Armin's heart broke a little with every sob leaving Jean's lips, imagining the tears soaking his cheeks and eyes red and puffy. He was feeling guilt and weak and the confusion stopped him from doing anything at all to try and help his friend.

Armin's stomach was starting to hurt, a bitter taste traveling to his mouth threatening to make him throw up the dinner. It wasn't new, though, that heavy feeling was already a part of him and even if Armin was slowly improving the urge of throwing up was sometimes too strong to hold back. However, in that occasion Armin needed to put himself together and control his body, because Jean needed help and there was still a part of him that hoped Jean wanted him to be there. So, Armin clenched his fists and bit his lip, breathing out carefully and relaxing his muscles until the urge became just a feeling, something he could control easily and wasn't so dangerous and unpredictable.

In the silence, Jean's thoughts spoke louder than usual, and the angst was reinforced by every feeling of regret crossing his mind. Because he shouldn't feel guilty for wanting to start again with someone as amazing as Armin. He felt stupid for regretting having such powerful feelings towards the boy, because Armin was good for him and basically Jean had no idea what he did to deserve being that special one for Armin. And having regrets for being in that moment, in that place with that someone was something Jean wanted to beat himself up for. It wasn't fair for Armin, the boy did nothing wrong to deserve being refused.