Caught (Camren)

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I smiled to myself as I recalled the distant memory. I was surprised by how many things I could actually remember when I had no one to tell them to.

"My dad took me outside," I recalled. "He sat me down at one of the tables and said, 'What the hell is wrong with you, Camila? It's just ice cream,' and I told him, 'But it was my ice cream. That girl took it,' and he shook his head and went, 'Sometimes things are taken from you in life and you have to settle for the next best thing.'"

I sighed, my smile now gone. My happy moments were short lived when I was sitting by that bedside. It was hard not to relate every memory back to Lauren. After all, she was every part of me. She was my mind, my memories, and my happiness.

"At the time, I was young, and I thought he was the smartest person in the world," I remembered. "I thought, what a beautiful thing to say. Now...I realize how fucking stupid it sounds. How is that fair? How is it fair to force someone to settle when they had the world in their hands just moments before? How can anyone be expected to settle for the next best thing when the thing that was taken from them in the first place consisted of everything good in the world? There is no next best thing. There never will be."

I picked up Lauren's hand. It fell limp in my grasp, but I could still feel her pulse through her fingertips. I looked out of the tiny window that overlooked the urban side of town. The lights were bright, but not bright enough to cover up the stars. It was like the entire universe had gathered outside of Lauren's hospital room to say goodnight. I squeezed my eyes shut. It didn't seem fair to experience such a beautiful sight without her. That was when I knew I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't do anything without her. She couldn't see those stars or the lights from the city. She couldn't hear the stories I told her. She couldn't feel my hand in hers.

"I don't even know why I'm telling you all of this," I laughed, a single tear slipping down my cheek. "You won't remember any of it. I mean, for fuck's sake, who knows if you're even going to wake up, Lauren? I wish you would just give me some sort of sign. I wish...I just wish I knew. I wish I knew if I was wasting my time."

I released her hand as a quiet knock on the door echoed through the tiny room. I had no thoughts left to share anyway. I was numb. I was broken and tired. Lauren's mother pushed her way inside and stood in the doorway, her arms crossed as she looked across the room out of the window.

"It's a beautiful night, isn't it?" she observed.

"Looks can be deceiving," I breathed.

She nodded and made her way over to me, placing a hand on my shoulder and taking a seat on the edge of the bed.

"Any signs of life in there?" she smiled sadly, staring down at the body that once held her daughter's vivid imagination.

I shook my head no. She bit the inside of her cheek, but no attempt could come close to stopping the waterfall of emotions that erupted as she shook her head in defeat. Her hands shook. I picked up the one she placed on my shoulder with my free hand and squeezed it supportively. She sobbed. She cried for a solid ten minutes, shaking and convulsing until nothing was left and she was numb like I was. We were both broken.

"It's not fair," I choked out, moved to tears of my own by her episode.

"No, it's not," she agreed. "Why this had to happen to her, I don't know. It doesn't make any sense."

"It's...it's all my fault. I shouldn't have taken her there that night. I should have just-"

"Camila, don't," she scolded. "Don't blame yourself. No one else is blaming you. Don't make this harder than it needs to be."