Say Anything {Social Media/Real Life}

72

It's my fault it happened. I was an idiot who was self destructive and selfish. I was so focused on doing any activity to take my mind off my own pain and I didn't even think about what pain they could have in the end. Now Sebastian and Billie are gone, but so is my little bean. It's been a day and I'm still in the hospital for observation and suicide watch. I'd never do it, but they figured better safe than sorry. My dad hasn't left my side at all. Sometimes I catch him staring at me with tears in his eyes and I feel guilt wash over me. I'm the reason for this all. My brother, my own brother can even be in the same room as me without feeling sick. I did this to them! I fucked everything up and no amount of sorrys can take that back. Lizzy, Chris, Jeremy, and Scarlett came to visit yesterday, but much like today I just laid there and stared at them.

"Knock, Knock," I heard and when I looked at the door Gabbi, Gal, Ed, Tate, and Channing standing there. My dad waved them in and they each gave him a hug before coming to hug me. I did the lightest hug and then laid back down.

"How's she doing," I heard Gabbi whisper to my dad as I closed my eyes. As much as I wanted to disappear or drift off into space it wasn't going to happen.

"The same as yesterday. Everything is out, but she's going to have discomfort. Thank you guys for coming," I heard him say as i felt my hair being played with. Ever since we were kids whenever I was upset Tate would play with me hair to help calm me. It worked this time and even pulled me to sleep. I was only woken up by hushed yelling.

"What are you doing here? You need to leave because right now my daughter is in that bed because of you," I heard my dad whisper yell as I tried to focus my eyes and fully wake up. When I opened my eyes I was looking out the window.

"Please. I need to see her. I need to know she's okay," I heard another voice plead and I could tell they were holding back tears. I went to sit up but was stopped. I looked in the chair next to me and Galway was there sitting on Ed's lap.

"Let your dad handle Seb," she said to me gently and I shook my head.

"I need to talk to him. Please Gal. I need to," I pleaded with her quietly as I felt tears fighting their way to the surface. She shared a look with Ed and sighed before standing up. I looked at Ed and he gave my hand a squeeze and a light smile. I looked over at the door and watched Gal whisper into my dad's ear. He turned and looked back at me and I nodded my head.

"Ten minutes Stan," he said and Sebastian hurried into the room.

"We'll give you guys some time alone. Text any of us if you want or need anything. Especially if it's to kick his ass out," Gal said and I nodded my head as the three of them left the room. Once I heard the door close I looked at Sebastian and tears were streaming down his face and I couldn't help but laugh. I'm the one who's been through hell and back yet he's the one crying.

"Why are you here Sebastian? Shouldn't you be with her," I asked not fully having my voice.

"I was never with her. The pictures she posted were old. I'm here because I love you," he said sitting down in the chair that Ed had just left. His last statement caused me to laugh again.

"You love me yet you're the one who broke up with me. Great way of showing that you love me," I said sarcastically. I went to shit but let out a little whimper of  pain and Sebastian was instantly reaching for me, but I shook my head, "Why Sebastian,"

"I should be asking the same thing. Why didn't you tell me you're  pregnant," he asked and I really hoped that was the one question he didn't ask. How do you break it to someone that you're not longer pregnant when you don't fully accept it yourself.

"I was going to. I had a plan for the next day, but you broke up with me that night. I knew that if I told you afterward you wouldn't have believed me. You would've thought it was my way of getting you to stay with me and I couldn't bare to have you think about me that way. I knew I had to tell you eventually, but now wasn't the time," I explained.

"How far along are you," he asked wiping away his tears even though they kept falling. The sick thing about heart break is that you still love them anyways. You still want them to be okay and happy and even though they broke your heart you hate to see them cry. It would be amazing if love had a switch you could turn on and off.

"I was four months Seb," I said looking down at my hands and breaking into sobs. These weren't the delicate pretty sobs, these were the sobs that shook your body to the core. The sobs that you choke on as they leave your mouth. The sobs that you pray will take the pain away as they leave your body.

"You didn't have to go through this alone. I love you Trixie," he said coming and holding me and I just sobbed. I couldn't stop him, I didn't have enough energy for that. I didn't have enough energy to do anything, but let the cries fall out along with the tears. We stayed like for a while before I finally calmed down a bit.

"That's the thing Sebastian. You love me, but you're not in love with me. I'm one hundred percent in love with you and I can't force you to be with me any longer. I'll be okay Seb. I have an amazing family and amazing friends. You don't have to act anymore I know it can be tiring to act all the time. I've acted like I'm okay for the past month and I can't do it anymore. I've always been in love with you and I always will be, but now it's time for you to be and me to set you free," I said kissing his cheek as my dad came walking back in. Sebastian turned to look at him and then turned to face me to say something but I cut him off, "Go Seb. I'll be okay," I whispered as my tears now few silently.

"I won't me. I love you to death Trixie. I'm madly in love with you and I'll hate myself everyday of my life if I don't fight for you. I'm going to fight until you're mine again. I can promise you that," he said kissing my cheek and then walking out of the room. I watched him leave and then I looked back at my dad and the sobs came again. My dad rushed over to me and sat next to me on the bed and held me.

"Daddy do me a favor," I said and he nodded his head, "Don't he mad or hate Sebastian because of this. He didn't intended for any of this to happen," I said quietly as he rubbed my back and I cried.