Secrets Aren't Made Slowly

Don't Consider It But Don't Hide From It

    "John, well what a surprise this is!" said that familiar voice, the one he had only heard once before. John turned to see Victor sitting next to him; his blue eyes alight with interest as he leaned on one elbow, his face illuminated wonderfully with the soft glowing lights beneath them.
"Victor, oh wow, sorry I didn't expect to see you here." John admitted.
"Oh I'm a regular; really, it's you that shouldn't be here. You seemed much too innocent for a place like this." Victor admitted with a smile.
"Well Irene and Jim brought me, but I must admit, it's not really my type of place." John admitted with a shrug.
"I can see that. You look very scared, even of me." Victor said with a little chuckle. John just blinked, for he really wasn't all that scared of Victor at all. Victor was much too easy going to be very intimidating, and yet John had to admit that everything else about this club was daunting to him.
"I'm not really scared of you." John admitted with a shrug. Victor just chuckled, nodding and ordering himself a drink before turning back on John with interest.
"Well last time I saw you, you were certainly a little bit on edge." Victor teased, to which John cleared his throat nervously and looked down at his beer in shame.
"Yes well, it's not every day you find your teacher in um...in that sort of situation." John admitted.
"Have you told your friends yet? Have you told anyone?" Victor wondered, as if this was turning out to be more of a social experiment than anything.
"No of course not, I promised Mr. Holmes that I wouldn't tell, and I'm sticking to that promise." John assured, to which Victor nodded proudly.
"I've never met anyone who kept their promises." Victor murmured.
"Well then maybe you haven't met good people then." John snapped, feeling rather offended that Victor thought that he was a liar. Victor just grinned, as if that was exactly the answer he had been hoping for. His drink arrived and for a moment they were quiet, John was just staring at his drink while Victor was downing his, and together they sat at the bar with one man on their mind.
"You must be wondering then, what he was doing down there? You must have questions?" Victor wondered with a grin, as if spreading rumors like this was the most fun you could have in life.
"I honestly don't want to know more." John insisted, and yet Victor gave a little chuckle, as if he was still amazed at John's self-control.
"Just finish that drink then, maybe order something stronger. Then you'll want to." Victor insisted.
"Well it's not really my business, is it? It's not like Mr. Holmes is my friend or anything, it's not like he's my enemy! He's my teacher, why on earth would I want to know anything more about his romantic life?" John insisted, shivering nervously yet taking another swig of his beer. There was something tempting about knowing all there was to know about Mr. Holmes, however, for there was no doubt in John's mind that he had been dwelling on just what was happening when he happened to walk in. Maybe it would be better to know, maybe it would be...satisfactory. And so he took another drink, for Victor was right, this sort of information would be much better handled if he was drunk.
"Why wouldn't you want to know? He's more than a teacher John; he's more than a man. I don't know much about you but I know enough to know that you want him as badly as anyone else in this world. No man, no woman for that matter, could ever set eyes on Sherlock without needing to do more, needing to be more." Victor whispered.
"He said he was married." John pointed out, to which Victor just laughed; laughing not only at John's comment but at the fallacy that Mr. Holmes was actually happy with his marriage.
"He is, actually, to a horrible girl, a junkie and a drunk and everything in between. He hates her, she hates herself, it's the most hysterical marriage I've ever been witness to." Victor admitted with a grin.
"But Mr. Holmes, he's gay isn't he?" John wondered curiously, looking over to where Victor just raised his eyebrows over the brim of his upturned glass.
"Hm, wouldn't you like to know?" Victor teased.
"You just told me that you'd answer my questions!" John defended quickly, to which Victor nodded apologetically.
"Yes, yes he's gay. No man that beautiful could ever settle for a woman." Victor whispered, staring into his glass regretfully as if he knew that whatever love he was receiving from Mr. Holmes wasn't genuine. He almost looked mournful, as if he could see those eyes staring back at him through the drink he hoped might solve his problems.
"No I suppose not." John agreed with a great sigh, for despite his never knowing Mr. Holmes as anything more than a teacher he was suddenly overcome with a feeling of great sadness, as if he was in some state of unrequited love. And yet he wasn't in love, so why on earth was his heart lurching horribly?
"Oh but you've only been witness to the top of the iceberg, the part of him that he lets everyone see, the beauty that is professionally groomed, the beauty that goes to that school every morning and leaves every afternoon. But the bottom half, the stuff that hides under the waves, the beauty that he reserves for only a select few, the beauty that emerges only at night, it's immense, it's breath taking, he's the most amazing man I've ever had, the most amazing man I've ever seen. You have no idea the extent to which I love him, every ounce of me yearns daily for his lips on mine, and when he saunters down my alley, no money in his pockets, oh I live for those days, John, I live for them!" Victor exclaimed, downing the rest of his drink and wincing, for he seemed to almost be in physical pain by now.
"I'm sorry to have interrupted then." John murmured.
"No you're not...no how could you be? You were able to bear witness, you saw him on the verge of the water, you were able to glimpse under the waves for just a moment, to see him, to hear him, why didn't you hide, why didn't you watch? Do you regret it John, do you?" Victor wondered in a breath, turning on John now with a sort of crazed look in his blue eyes.
"No, no that's horrible! Why would I want to do something like that, invade his privacy like that? Victor he's nothing more to me than my teacher, why on earth would I be so invested in seeing him like...like that?" John exclaimed, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable with the conversation that was unfolding before him. Victor was getting drunker and drunker, and yet for some reason he seemed to be angry, maybe not at John, maybe at himself, or at Mr. Holmes, or at the world itself! Poor Victor seemed to be in agony, and he was treating John as if he understood!
"Because it's him! Can't you see it every time you close your eyes, can't you see him? Can't you hear him in the music; in your own heart beat can't you hear his voice! In the darkness, sitting alone and feeling his hands on your neck, feeling his fingers on your lips and on your cheeks, I can just feel his lips on mine, I can taste his skin and I can feel his pulse, now, NOW!" Victor exclaimed, leaning back in his chair before falling forward onto the bar, letting is head fall to the warm glass and breathing heavily, he was going mad, with every drink he was taking he was calling for that man he would not have for a long time.
"Victor mate, just relax." John insisted, looking back towards the dance floor to see if Irene and Jim might notice his predicament. For once he was actually hoping to be in their company, Victor was getting crazy and John was just really tempted to leave right now.
"Don't you want him John? Don't you want..."
"No, no really I don't, Victor. I'm seventeen, alright? He's my teacher; I'm not supposed to be all angsty over my teacher." John insisted flatly.
"Come with me John, come home with me. I'll let you pretend that I'm him if you'd allow me the same pleasure." Victor breathed. And that was it, the last straw. Absolutely not, John would not take another second of this, oh the very thought of such a thing! John jumped off of his stool, not even bothering to make an excuse, not even bothering to say goodbye to his friends. He ran from that man, the one who was still slouched over the bar with a crooked smile on his face, drooling to the counter, not drunk by any substance but by love, by lust, he was completely maddened by the idea of Mr. Holmes, maddened to a disgusting extent! The very idea that he would be yearning for that man, the idea that he would go to such lengths to bring a minor to his home just so that he could love another person on the pretenses that it was Mr. Holmes in his arms? It was disgusting, it was more than John ever wanted to know, It was more than he ever wanted to think about! He wasn't supposed to know his teacher as anything but a lousy instructor and a poor test maker, he didn't want to know about his romantic relationships, about how beautiful he was, about how good he was... No this was just too much! John ran from the club that night, not staggeringly drunk but tipsy enough to stumble on his own feet as he ran. He didn't bother to go to Jim's car, he ran all the way back to the park, a good ten blocks or so, dashing through clumps of people that didn't realize the day John had just had. They didn't notice how delirious he had been driven to be, they didn't know what he had just had to listen to, what he had just had to realize. What a horrible night, what a horrible man! What was Victor trying to do, what was he trying to promote? He acted as if everyone shared his infatuation, his obsession, when in reality all John wanted was to stop hearing about his teacher in any other light! Why did this all have to happen to him, and why all so quickly? Why couldn't he go back to the point where he was acing his tests and putting a frown on Mr. Holmes's face, why now did he have to imagine what it might feel like with that man's legs around his waist! No this was not what he was asking for, why was it what he was getting? John stumbled to his car in a daze, unlocking the doors rather haphazardly as he knocked at the paint around the lock, falling inside the driver's seat and locking the doors after he shut them, just to be sure that Victor hadn't followed him all the way out here, all the way out to the empty darkness! It was a horrible feeling, and yet for some reason his heart was racing, and not because he had just run, no in fact he was on the verge of collapse and yet he was not exhausted, he felt a much more powerful feeling, a much more exhilarating need! He looked over to his passenger seat, and he could almost swear he saw the form of that man sitting next to him. He could almost see the eyes as they stared at him, oh just like Victor had promised, if he concentrated too hard suddenly he could feel those cupid bow lips on his own, suddenly that white skin was visible in the moonlight, it was all too much, and yet...and yet it was just enough.