Ever since I was I was little I knew I was different. I always knew I never wanted kids of my own. When I was younger than even ten years old, I knew I wanted to adopt. I had the idea of why bring more children into this world when there are already so many who don't have loving families. When I was in middle school and high school, I desperately wanted to be like everyone else. I didn't want to be different and stand out. I wanted to blend it, but it wasn't possible. I would try to get myself to like guys or rather anyone in general. Still to this day I don't know what my sexuality is and I guess that's not anything new, but it's hard to deal with. I consider myself as asexual or demisexual but even that isn't exactly who I am. I do know that a sexual relationship isn't something I've ever wanted, but I might be open to it in the future. I don't know if the fear and distaste for sexual activities with others is something that stems from my low self-esteem or my dislike for my body. I do know that it has been the breaking point for ⅔ of my relationships. I feel as if I need answers. It's not necessarily that I need them, but rather I want them. I feel as if I don't know who I am and if I don't know who I am then how could someone else get to know me enough to love me? My sexuality is complex and unknown to even me. I feel as if I was thrown into this on my own. I never had any guidance to help me find myself. I have no idea what I'm doing. I want to have a family one day, but I don't believe I will ever get that. I am extremely distrusting and afraid when it comes to relationships. I have all these emotions in regards to all of this just bottled up inside of me and I don't want people to know how I really feel because they would just leave me. Before even entering a relationship I warn the guy that I am "asexual" most say they can deal with that and I end up cutting them out of my life because it's obvious that they can't. Others I take a chance on when they say that they can deal with it, and most of the time that is a decision I later regret. The ones I take a chance on are the ones that push me further and further away from relationships and the possibility of love.
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Inside My Mind
Non-FictionA personal description of my various struggles throughout my life. This is something I wanted to write in order to help others who might be dealing with similar things. All names have been changed to protect everyone identities.
