Little Things -Jalbert

[8]

Warning: I'm an angsty bitch and it shows

       I woke up in Jake's arms. We were facing each other, and his eyes were already open. My memory flashed to the events of last night and I smiled, avoiding his gaze.

       "Hey." He mumbled groggily and I hummed a quiet response. I was mostly asleep so I didn't want to put any effort into actually talking.

       "Can I move?" He tried to take his arm out from under me but I shook my head and held on. Eventually, after a few minutes of trying, I sighed in defeat and let him leave. He went into the living room and I sat alone in the bed for a while. It startled me when my phone went off, but I hesitantly checked the notification.

564-224-7898
Hey sexy ;)

Who the fuck was this? I opened the message and stared at it for a second. Wasn't this the same exact message that Lana got when we had that huge fight?

564-224-7898
Just getting ready for bed, want some pics?

The realization suddenly dawned on me. I had broken up with Lana over a spam bot. I quickly searched up the number and it was true. It was just a scheme to have people click a link and have their information stolen.

I felt my heart sink. I blocked the number when I received some weird link, and then I opened my conversation with Lana. What should I even say?

"Hey, are you coming out here or not? I made breakfast." Jake poked his head out of the door and my breath caught in my throat. Lana is innocent and I feel like shit because of that, but if I went back to go see her that would mean just abandoning Jake.

"Hey Jake?" I had tears in my eyes, knowing what I was about to say. I feel like no matter what I do I'll break my own heart. I sent Lana a text.

I think I'm ready to come back.

"Yeah?" Jake responded with concern and he pulled me into a hug when I set my phone down. I said the only thing that I could in the moment.

"I love you."

~~~~~

"But you don't have to go! You can stay here with me and move in and-- and you can bring Simon and we can just live like this." He was desperately begging me to stay and I was so close to giving in. Lana had prepared for my return but my chest ached at the thought of leaving Jake like this. He felt so betrayed, he'd been crying since this morning.

"I'm sorry." I whispered and he kissed me for the last time. I just held onto his shirt and tried not to cry. My luggage was already packed and the uber was here. I left the small apartment without another word.

~~~~~

"I missed you so much!" Lana pulled me into a tight hug and I pet the top of her head. I should be feeling happy right now. My girlfriend was innocent and she took me back, I left the weird confusing situation I was in with Jake, but I wasn't. All I could think about was him. Was losing that worth it just to go back to how things were?

"Yeah, I missed you too." She stood on the tips of her toes and planted a kiss on my lips. It reminded me so much of Jake. I kissed back, but it wasn't the same energy that I had with him.

I really meant it when I told him that I loved him. Lana pulled away and I just held her, nearly in tears. It wouldn't be the same, I'd never be able to forget about how I feel, and he'd probably never talk to me.

Lana pulled away and I just held her close by the waist, the way that Jake liked to do. We had only been more than friends for a couple days, how could I be so upset and so sure that I already loved him.

"I got Chinese takeout if you want some." I nodded and followed her inside. Maybe food could make me feel better, it works most of the time.

~~~~~

I couldn't even force myself to eat. The constant pit in my stomach distracted me. Jake was right that I didn't have to do this. I didn't have to go back. I would have loved to stay with him, but I fucked up so badly that now there's no chance.

I told Lana that I didn't eat because I ate at the airport, and she seemed to believe it. All she did was give me a worried glance as I left to go to bed.

It was impossible to sleep too. I would pass out for five minutes and then wake back up. I don't think that I've ever been this upset about anything in my life. I just kept thinking of him.

It felt like hours later when I finally couldn't contain myself and I started quietly crying. Lana wouldn't hear it anyways, so as long as I was quiet enough it would be fine.

I couldn't stop myself from letting the events from the past couple days play in my mind. I thought he would be a nice way to get over Lana, but my feelings were way too strong and itbwas a terrible idea to use him like that in the first place.

I should have just kept my stupid mouth shut and waited, but now that everything happened I'll never be able to get rid of those feelings. I just wanted to go right back to him, but I hurt him so badly. Maybe we could just pretend like nothing happened and record videos together and be best friends. That would be hard, but if it meant I could still talk to him, I'd do it. No matter how much it would hurt.

My words to him echoed back in my brain.

I love you.

He didn't say it back.

I'm sorry.

He didn't forgive me.