The Book of Random

The Darwin Awards

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Chapter 53: The Darwin Awards

The Darwin Awards are a tongue-in-cheek honor, created by Wendy Northcutt to recognize individuals who contribute to human evolution by self-selecting themselves out of the gene pool through putting themselves (unnecessarily) in life-threatening situations.

Examples of Darwin award winners include:

Juggling live hand grenades (Croatia, 2001)

Leaving a lit cigarette in a warehouse full of explosives (Philippines, 1999)

Three Palestinian terrorists accidentally blown up by their bombs set on Palestinian daylight saving time, one hour ahead of the local time (Israel, 1999)

Jumping out of a plane to film skydivers without wearing a parachute (U.S., 1987)

Trying to get enough light to look down the barrel of a loaded muzzle-loaded gun using a cigarette lighter (U.S., 1996)

Using a lighter to illuminate a fuel tank to make sure it contains nothing flammable (Brazil, 2003)

Attempting to play Russian roulette with a semi-automatic pistol, not realizing that it automatically loads the next round into the chamber (U.S., 2000)

Attempting Russian roulette with an unexploded landmine

Crashing through a window and falling to one's death in trying to demonstrate that the window was unbreakable

3 July 2011, Leeds, UK.) Thief! How, many, thieves, have, to die, to prove that you shouldn't steal copper wire? Besides the risk, it's not right to cause thousands of dollars worth of damage, for hundreds of dollars in profit. HEY YOU IMMORAL IDIOTS, It makes bad environmental sense to destroy more than you recoup. Angry lecture!

July 2011, New York) Protesting motorcycle helmet laws, an Onondaga, NY man was participating in a bare-noggin protest ride when he was killed via flipping over the handlebars. The motorcycle accident injured the noggin of Mr. Contos, 55, fatally damaging a brain that was unable to determine the physics of the situation. Moreover, he�d do it again if he could, according to his elder brother. �He would have wanted it that way.�

15 May 2011, Brisbane, Australia | PLANKING? What is it? 'Planking' is the peculiar wit of lying flat as a plank in unusual locations--train tracks, fire hydrants, clotheslines--and posting public photographs, spreading joy. This Australian craze had infected poor Mr. Acton B., a (former) planking enthusiast who was not aware that Balconies Are The #1 One Cause of Gravity-Fed Darwin Awards. Not knowing, he was doomed to repeat the lesson. Camera ready, the 20-year-old stretched himself out face-down on the railing, arms by his sides, stiff as a plank, balanced. Don't do it, don't cross that line young male Homo sapiens sapiens!Oh no...the species is doomed. Down he fell. Descent of man.

25 August 2010, Daejon, South Korea) An angry handicapped man, annoyed that an elevator departed without him, thinks it over before ramming his wheelchair into the doors (bam!) once, twice, three times in all. Success and failure combined as he gained access to the elevator, and plunged down the rabbit hole to his death. This 40-year-old man earns immortality as an irritated Darwin Award winner. [Video below is PG]

That's the whole picture: A young couple, driving along Via Dutra, the largest freeway in Brazil with tons of heavy traffic, at 6AM under heavy fog. The couple decided that this was the time to park (for "dating" according to the charming Google translation) and, yes, they parked on the freeway in the right-hand lane, not on the shoulder, the median, or at a gas station. Naturally, given time a cargo truck encountered a "speed bump," instantly killing both -- during the act of procreation -- double-double Darwin Award! (2) people making (2) obviously bad decisions, and natural selection acts at the very moment the two are reproducing. Textbook!

(1 January 2010, South Africa) Pop quiz, class. Do you or don't you go swimming in the crocodile-infested Limpopo? Do, or don't, leave your friends on the banks of the great grey-green Olifants River (main tributary of the Limpopo) and swim in its limpid waters not once, not twice, but three times the day you are finally devoured by that old crocodile? Let's just say it was a short New Year for Mariska B., 27, a waitress and former swimmer.

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