The Boy in the Gray Hoodie

31...

We were alone now, and I knew that I should say something. But all I did was wait.

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As soon as Marley gave me my answer, I realized the truth.

I was never meant to leave the white room. I had spent my whole life in there, imagining what it was like on the outside. I had looked forward to the day when James would finally let me go. But that day was never supposed to come. He'd made promises over and over, only to break them again and again. In the end, he had only ever hurt me.

And after everything, I understood why.

I must have meant nothing to him. He must have never cared about me at all. I didn't know what I was to him, but I knew I was...less. Less than what it would have been worth for him to follow through on his promises.

In the end, he was supposed to kill me. I knew that now, too.

So...why was I still alive?

If James never cared about me, why had he let me out of that room? Why had he brought me to Lisa? If I meant nothing to him, why hadn't he killed me like he was supposed to? It didn't make any sense. If he was supposed to kill me, then letting me live would have meant breaking the rules.

"James doesn't break the rules." I whispered, shaking my head.

"Roy? Please look at me?" Lisa whimpered softly as I turned toward her. She was trying really hard to hold back her tears, but they were falling down her cheeks anyway.

"Why didn't he kill me?" I breathed, my eyes wide. My whole face felt frozen and expressionless.

"W-what?" Lisa stammered.

Thoughts, thick and heavy, then light and piercing filled my head. I was trying to figure this out—not on my own, but for my own sake. I wanted to know what it meant. I wanted to know why I was still here, why I had been able to leave the white room in the first place.

"He was supposed to kill me..." I repeated, "So...why didn't he do it?"

"He's a bad person, Roy," Lisa's voice trembled. "I'm so sorry he hurt you like this," she crossed her arms over her chest, biting her lip.

No, I wanted to say. That's not it. It's not that simple.

I could feel something changing inside of me. It felt exciting, the wave of realization. Suddenly, I understood it all. And the sadness that had been choking me a moment ago was finally releasing me. I could breathe. Because now I knew why James had let me live.

"Roy?" Lisa sobbed. "Talk to me," she begged.

"Why are you crying?" I asked suddenly, reaching out to wipe a tear from her chin. She turned away from me, and I felt my insides twist with anxiety. "...Lisa?"

"Yell at me Roy. Yell at me. I want you to."

"What—why?" I asked, confused.

"Yell, Roy. Scream. Hit something. Throw something. Be angry, please!" she cried.

I shook my head. "But I'm not angry," I told her.

"How can you not be?" she demanded warily, a strange look in her eyes that I didn't understand. It seemed as though she was mad at me...for not being mad?

"D-do you...?" she covered her mouth, and then let her hand fall. "Are you angry with me?"

I blinked. "Angry with you? Why would I be?"