bleak

depression

it's not that i don't want to be happy,
it's a despite how hard i try,
i can't bring myself to be happy,
i feel suffocated, embarrassed, ashamed
why did i have to be this way?

i have a great family,
amazing friends,
good academic results on paper,
everything is okay.

yet all i ever seen is sadness & grey,
it's like theres a burden on me,
pulling me to the ground,
and however hard i try,
i can't bring myself out,
i can't bring myself to care.

living has become the constant nightmare
& it's just not fair.

society will tell me to try yoga,
go for a walk,
& listen go meditation,
i tell them that this cannot be solved by exercise or meditation,
it's a disease that affects every aspect of my life
my work, my relationship, my education.

and to this day,
despite my best efforts to explain,
i am always met with blind hesitation.

people ask me
"why are you always so sad?"
i tell them i don't know,
i don't know.
what i do know is that i wake up feeling like absolutely shit & that become my norm.

i'm afraid of the world,
i'm afraid of putting my guard down,
in the fear that i will be judged,
for something i cannot control.
where's the fairness of it all?
do you think i like to watch myself fall,
into this hole of self hate, shame & loathe?

so i hide them & i put up a wall,
that is so high,
you will never see my pain of any of my flaws,
i create this character,
and she is perfect,
she's invincible.

and so i carry in live these two lives.
one for public,
& one just for me late at night,
cause that's easier than admitting you have a problem,
and that's the problem.

the stigma is real people,
and it will not go away until we realise,
that mental health is a big deal,
it's a hidden disease that affecting so many lives,
wake up & listen to the silent cries.

it's a kid who never speaks,
or the man who's always tired,
the woman who's too emotional,
the guy who just got fired,
cause he was absent a lot,
he couldn't get out of bed due to his mental health,
but do you think any of his colleagues knew that?
course not.

depression is the hell inside of me
& it eats me up daily