Not [yet] a Mommy: Memoirs of my Miscarriage.

Chapter 1: RUDY

When I say that Rudy is the love of my life, it is not an understatement. It is not like a totally cheesy, loser thing that most girls say. He really is the most amazing person on this planet. Most of the time I can't believe he is my husband. When I was younger, I would think and pray for my future husband, the idea in my head of what this "perfect" man would be does not even come close to the man, the legend, Rudy Segura. That guy isn't half the man my husband is...

I'll back up a bit and admit, in my younger years like 6-18 I was BOY CRAZY. I mean talk about flirtatious, totally goo-goo-gaga for boys, yup, that was me. I loved meeting new guys, talking to them, the excitement that comes from meeting a new person, I absolutely loved it! I did my fair share of dating before meeting my husband. And I only truly loved one person before my husband. One reason I think I fell for this first boy was because he was the first person to open up to me. He told me things that I believe he hadn't told anyone else. They were things about his childhood, his issues with his dad, etc. That closeness you get from deep, intimate conversations, I'm sure you know what I mean. Things ended when there were two of us fighting for his attention. I'll never forget there was a time when we were in his room, and I noticed his gold necklace with a crucifix of Jesus Christ was missing. He cherished and loved this specific piece of jewelry because it was given to him by his grandmother. When I asked him where it was, he looked me straight in my eyes and told me the other girl accidentally broke it off when they were play wrestling. At that moment, I just knew I had lost him. And it broke me. Like ugly cry yourself to sleep. Like end of the world status. But guess what? Time does heal hearts broken by your first love. Ironically the day I met Rudy was the day that a date to the beach fell thru with this light skinned, light eyed first love boy.

Now back to the king of my heart. We went to the same Texas High School, which means basically I never saw him. I graduated with over 1,000 people because everything is bigger and better in Texas. He was two school years older than me but was on the soccer team with one of our friends. That fateful day our mutual friend invited me to the beach and I was mad or sad, I can't remember, but I shaved so yeah, I was going to the beach. Because sister, let me tell you no man is worth a full body shave going to waste, I repeat, NO man. And that's when I saw him. He was wearing swim shorts, a t-shirt, and a baseball hat. Me being 18 and rude, I didn't say "hi, my name is Dayahna" I literally said "Hey! SO what are you? Indian, like Middle Eastern?" I guess this was my way of flirting? I don't know. Cause I totally knew he was Mexican like me. It wasn't my best day, remember? And he instantly disliked me. We didn't talk for another year. Seriously. And he dated an unstable girl who broke his sweet heart in that year. As I sit here typing this I can't remember if I dated, but knowing me, yeah there were probably multiple boys I texted, dated, etc. Because you can't keep a good girl down!

So how did our beautiful love story rekindle you ask? Technology isn't what it used to be kiddos. In 2011 I had a white Blackberry phone that I loved!!! I felt like some sort of professional and it was so cool, cooler than my hot pink Razr. Our mutual friend that invited me to the beach that day, sent a group text. I was the only female included. If my memory isn't failing me, it was a funny picture of said friend with a filter on it that made him look like an old man. When I replied something like "LOL" it sent an individual text message to all of the people in the group text. Confusing huh? Well the only person that replied to my text was my sweet Rudy. The rest is history! We have texted every single day since that hot summer day.

We dated for 4 ½ beautiful years. We had fun, ate too much sushi, Netflix and Chilled, we did all the fun things that any young couple does for 4 ½ years. I finished nursing school which was the only requirement placed by my very strict parents before I could marry any man. I was hoping Rudy would pop the question, even though we were young and had literally nothing to our names. But you know, at this point I was madly in love with Rudy and would have lived in a cardboard box with this man. He finally proposed on December 6, 2014. We hustled and worked hard to be able to buy our first home, pay our wedding, pay for our honeymoon, and also Rudy started his engineering degree all at the same time, so all we did was work. Our wedding was October 11, 2015.  Perfection. Everything I had ever wanted, I was literally living it out.

Rudy was so easy to fall in love with. He is compassionate, caring, super thoughtful, he gives the most amazing gifts, he is a caregiver, nurturing, patient, and super relaxed. Basically the opposite of me, he is a stellar human being. He can calm me down at any moment. I know this is going to sound super annoying and you are going to roll your eyes but we hardly fight or argue. In the younger years of our relationship, I would say mean things or really hurt his feelings because I blurted things out without stopping to think. And he would just stay quiet, and give me space. This would drive me nuts, because I need to talk things out. Now more mature in our relationship, I know him better and also I am not as selfish, so you know I watch my pettiness. We think so much alike despite having very different personalities so most days we truly enjoy and cherish each others company. Barf, right?

There's this look he has. He has slightly slanted, small eyes. His eyes are a light brown that can bring me to my knees. But there are moments in life, where we will be in his truck going somewhere, or in bed about to go to sleep, and he will look over at me and my heart skips a beat. The most sincere, real, tender love and care, all in ONE look. Yeah, it's legit the stuff of mushy gushy fairy tales. When he shoots me that look, the world stops turning. I forget my name. Everything is made right in that very instant. Nothing else matters because for that split second it just does not exist. How is it possible to just know you are someone's entire world from ONE look? I don't know, but girl it really truly exists.

He licks his lips right before he is about to kiss me. It's pretty cute, it's like he wants them to be all luscious and perfect for me. He clears his throat right before he is about to read The Bible. Like he is giving God his best most clear version of his voice.  When he speaks Spanish, the pitch in his voice is higher. When he speaks English, it drops low. His hands are the softest I have ever held, and his fingers are super chubby at the bottom, it's kind of funny. He is losing his hair and I can't wait! I want him to be bald with a beard, I am already so turned on by the thought....haha! He is a grizzly bear by 9 PM, he falls asleep so fast, I'm jealous. I think because he is so at peace, he can just rest. He loves soccer and scares me when he's watching a game because he screams and gets all into it. He can't spell to save his life. He is good at math. He will pick anything sweet over salty every time. He is respectful and a good judge of character. He has an ability to talk to people he just met and relate to them in a way that makes them comfortable. I could go on and on and write all about Rudy forever.

As you continue to read our story, clearly by the title it isn't a super fun, happy, perfect one, but you will get to know us and our relationship on a very intimate level. I for one am very open, honest, and quite blunt. You'll see. However, we don't know exactly how our story will end, because we are still living it. But one thing I know for certain, the ONLY thing that will break my heart beyond repair is the knowledge that there is a chance I won't be able to give Rudy a biological child. And let me quickly say that biology means absolutely nothing to me, I can love a child that has zero blood relation to me, love them with unconditional motherly love. The real tragedy is that even if our biological child inherited all of Rudy's flaws, failures, and mistakes, he or she would still be the most amazing baby girl or boy ever created by God.  It's devastating that this person won't get to roam this Earth, what a loss World, what a loss. Because everyone deserves their own RUDY.