forever and always | bang chan

nineteen

I entered my studio, tried to make a song but Abby is all I can think of right now causing me to scream in frustration.

"Hyung?" Jisung peeked through the door, opening it slightly. I motioned him to come in while both my hands are on my temples.

I want to cry so bad but I can't in front of the boys.

Jisung grabbed an extra chair and placed it beside me to sit there. He then peeked at the piece of paper of the lyrics I'm trying to make only to find it full of scribbles and nonsense words.

"Hyung, you need to rest." he said seriously.

I didn't respond so he continued, "Do you even know how you look right now? Hyung, you look like you lost something. I understand what's going on but please don't act like there's no hope. Do you think that she'll like it seeing you this wrecked? We're worrying so much, please take care of yourself for us and for her."

He patted my back then stood up to leave but before he even closed the door, "Jisung, why does it hurt so much?"

"It's because you chose to love." then he left.

Now, we're just back at the room where she's just suffering.

"Aren't you scared of what will happen once she wakes up?" her mom once again asked.

I thought of it for awhile, "There's nothing I'm scared of except losing her permanently because of her disease."

"I'm scared that my daughter will hate me to death."

Moments later, the doctor came in.

Before the doctor had the chance to speak, her mom started shouting.

"She's been asleep for four days now, doc! She should be awake by now!"

No, she wouldn't be here only if we didn't keep it from her.

"Please calm down, I know you're worried for your daughter but she's stable now."

I'm worried but I wouldn't blame anyone for it except myself.

I stood up to hold her in her shoulders to calm her down.

"She's stable but she isn't waking up!" she started crying and I did my best not to.

"Ma'am, you knew your daughter had a hole in her heart ever since she was young but you didn't do anything about it. It's anticipated that this will happen."

The words felt like daggers are being stabbed to my chest but what more to her mom?

My eyes widened in shock when I saw Abby open her eyes.

"Abby!"

I whispered, "Love..."

Everything happened like a flash of a lightning.

The next thing I know, she hates me. She hates me that she wants me to leave and get out of her sight.

Baby, I can get out of your sight like you want me to but please let me stay in your heart.

I'm on my knees, not saying anything because I will never have an excuse for what I did. I did wrong and I accept that, she's the victim here and I'm the criminal that pulled the trigger that hurt her.

She's sobbing like crazy and I want to wipe them off her face but how can I do that when she wants me to leave?

Baby, am I going to lose you?

I'm waiting for you to say that you want me to stay.

Baby, please tell me you love me still.

I'm sorry, baby.

"Get up and leave, Chan."

Her words are my command and no matter how much it will hurt me following them, I will. I'm her soldier just whipped for her but I'm also a man who cries everytime I have to turn my back to leave.

I looked at her, and regretted turning my back against her to leave because I don't know when I'll see her again.

I made my way out, hoping that the next day I'll come back she'll welcome me with open arms and tell me everything's alright.

But this life isn't always what we want it to be.

It's unfair and it hurts.