MUMMY

Chapter Four - Mummy

When life leaves so many things unanswered or unsaid, then maybe death will say it all?

K B Mallion

Being here, no longer feels right. Being Damian's wife, no longer feels enough. All I ever wanted to be, was a mother. A part of me died along with Heidi-May on that early October day, I think the other part is now also ready to be with her. This world no longer seems to fit this body. My thoughts and my feelings, no longer seem to fit the mould of what society thinks and believes. I feel like I am all alone in this world, with only the ghost of my beautiful daughter now beside me.

And believe me, she's enough.

But I, Heidi-May's mummy, no longer belong here.

I belong where my baby girl is. I belong in the place that she often leaves, just so she can be with me. I no longer need to know the reasons why my baby girl died. I no longer need to be told why. Because it no longer matters.

Only Heidi-May matters.

I'm only happy when I am with her. I'm only happy when I can see, hear, touch and smell her. The only way that we can always be like this, is if I cross over to the place that she now is.

The decision was an easy one. A decision that has nestled itself into my content soul.

Damian, my family, my friends and my colleagues, they don't understand. They will never understand. But until you've been touched by someone from the other side, you will never know the other side.

My baby girl came to me.

Now, I must go to her.

My bond with her, is far stronger than any earthly bond I share with anyone else. Not even Damian, her daddy, is enough to keep me here. The struggle to keep living a normal life, when all that I am experiencing is anything but normal, is a struggle that I'm just not prepared to suffer any longer. I've suffered enough. A mother without her living and breathing child, is more than enough pain for any one woman. And this woman has had her fill of pain. She's had her fill of torment and pain. So as I step into my bedroom for the very last time, I smile. It's all coming to an end. A happy and comforting end.

With my tired and willing body lying flat on the bed, I feel it move softly beside me. Turning on my side, my smile lifts a whole lot more.

Smiling back at me, is my darling Heidi-May. Just as she always has been, she is here for me. Her sweet and tiny self, quickly snuggles into me, curling up into the foetal position in my motherly and loving arms.

This, is what I've always wanted.

This, is what she's always wanted.

Closing my eyes, I hold her closer.

And wait to leave this life, to wonderfully meet with my next one.