Explaining the Unexplainable

Entire Truth.

It has literally been since I was six when I saw my father. The last time I saw him, he stayed in Georgia for a Saturday and a Sunday and watched me sing in the choir. I remember him smiling at me the whole time and me having a feeling of confusion and excitement! It was something that I have never felt.. Then I never saw him again. My whole life I thought he hated me, because after me he had five more children. He looked dead ass..happy. I wasn't sure how to feel. Hell!! I still don't! I used to look his name up on google, and then as soon as it loaded up, I'd get nervous. I don't really know what I'll say to him...

His girlfriend is on my Facebook. She's about 5'2, with midback dark brown hair. Her Thai roots give her that cute salt and pepper in the front. She always posts my two little brothers Jaeden and Justin. It's like me watching them grow through my phone screen. And might I add, Justin literally looks like my dad was in a hospital bed instead of Amy. Bald with a hair net!

"Hello?" I say nervously holding the phone at a safe angle to drive and see this man.

"Woooooow! Woooww! It's so great to see you."

Swerving close to the median I break down crying like '08 Brittney.

"I know yo. I know." he lets out a soft cry. His accent is soooo strong. Brooklyn is all through his veins.

After a cry symphony, both of us get ourselves together. After choking up and talking cry ebonics, I speak. "How did you find me?," I say mouth full of spit. "I would look you up for years and get afraid to even see your face."

"To be honest, I've been trying to contact you since you left me and your mom. They took you away from us and would never return our calls. After I came down and saw you they changed their number and you moved. I couldn't call. I couldn't write you. I was just stuck! It wasn't until recently I talked to Amy and she told me that you and her were friends on Facebook all this time but she didn't know when it was a good time to tell me since I just graduated music school. I know it was for the best because if I knew earlier I'd be tracking you down instead of my assignments!" I swallow hard before he continues. "I wish things didn't get how they got but..I have to admit... You would be better off where you were. Financially and emotionally." I feel you but this is still not better. I feel like I would've been genuinely happy to have my parents around no matter the money. Growing up I always had anger built up daily. I hated the fact that I was raised in a family where my last name was the only one different. Do you know how it feels to be at an event and your "parents" lying to others about your last name just to make you feel included. I'd get mad at that shit too. That AINT normal bruh! Emotions were so up and down, so contradicting. I was so lost!!! Now that I'm older I've come to embrace the facts and say 'it is what it is' to the bullshit.

"Why would they not tell me you called?" My anxiety starts to kick in as I stutter my words. " I don't understand...why? WHY?!"

"I don't know. You can even ask Amy... I called. MAD TIMES! I reached out for years...but the important thing is we are at this point now where we can start from here..."

"Facts!! So.." I pause. "How are the kids? I mean my siblings!" I do an awkward laugh before he answers.

"The kids!" Laughing hysterically he catches his breath and continues. "Yah siblings are good. You have five brothers and a sister you've got to meet. Especially yah sister! She needs that older sister energy around her. She's amazing don't get me wrong it's just she's only around the boys and her bestfriend who is like a year older. It'll be great for you guys to bond."

"Awww yesss! I agree! Especially since I've always wanted a little sister my entire life. But we are not gonna go past the five brothers though! Wow!!! All this time I thought it was just two!"