Idolize Me

Chapter Twenty-Two

Chapter Twenty-Two

Ezra's POV

I wish the overdose had killed me.  

Maybe then my parents would investigate Dr. Athena. Maybe then they would realize the torture they subjected me too. Maybe, just maybe they'd feel a bit of remorse.

I don't remember much about last night. Somehow Olivia had found me outside, drugged more than I ever had been. Athena must have been angry at me for lashing out at her. She wanted me to suffer.

When I awoke in Olivia's bed, I was terrified. The first thought that came to my mind was that she was just like the rest of them. That somehow, under my overdosed state, she managed to violate my body. A disgusting thought that I couldn't stop pondering. I was terrified that I misjudged her, that she was just like the rest of them.

And then she told me I overdosed, and the relief I felt was stronger than the vertigo that consumed me.

I could have kissed her all day.

All day I thought about her. When I walked into the morning class, and she wasn't there I wondered if she was avoiding me. It bothered me that she would be, but it also bothered me that I cared.

I opened the door for her, relieved at her clumsiness for being late.

My mind was whirling the rest of the class period, shouting my relief. She wasn't avoiding me. 

And then I saw her sitting alone in the cafeteria, and the only thing I wanted was to sit beside her, to spend my entire day just listening to her express her annoyance with me. Normally, I used to get annoyed seeing her sit alone. It frustrated me that someone as good, and disgustingly innocent as her was still surviving in a shithole like this school. Good people annoyed me, and I thrived to watch her break.

Now, I only ever thrive when she's beside me. In a sick way, she is my comfort from everything and everyone in my life. I want to attach her to me, so when I wish to tie a rope and hang myself, she'll be the only one who will care enough to cut me down. She'll care not because of the status saving a Scott from death could give her, but because she is a human being, and she has a moral obligation to care for another. Even if that another is me.

"Can you walk to your dorm?" Olivia asked me, as we both were walking down out of the academic building. She looked exhausted. She had told me she stayed up all night, watching me.

If it had been anyone else, I would have been appalled at the thought. Instead, I found myself yearning to stay with her for another night. Even if we didn't do so much as touch.

I forced my voice to sound annoyed, "I'm not fucking handicapped, Olivia."

She looked taken back by my tone. I hate myself. "You know what I meant."

I want her to come with me to my dorm. I want her to follow me. I want so much that I don't even understand.

I've never felt this way before.

"Then I guess I'll see you tomorrow." She muttered with a huff and began to walk away. The farther she got away from me, the more I wanted to down the bottle of pills in my pocket.

I want her to come back. I want her to tell me she understands me. I don't understand me. I want her to tell me who I am. Because I don't know who I am, and I want to die because I don't think I'll ever know.

I watched her leave until she made it inside the dorm building. I want to follow her.

I want so many things that a Scott can never get.