Been Here All Along

03| psychological pain

"Is he a good guy?"

Don't worry, Ian, no one will ever be as good as you were. You weren't just a good guy, you were THE good guy. No one could ever compare.

"He is."

Joel Addison started working at Westchester about a year after Ian left. He moved to Miami, Florida from Tallahassee to go to school at West Coast University to play football. In a lot of ways, he was different than Ian — he was known for being the star athlete, he didn't always get the best grades, and he was cockier than Ian. However, in the ways that really mattered, they were alike — Joel was kind and determined; he loved to see others happy.

When we initially met, I wasn't over Ian yet. I could hardly think of another man without my heart physically hurting. Joel didn't care though; he was a people pleaser. He would talk to me everyday, asking about my day, my mood, and other little questions that he would use to get to know me better. It took me a year and a half to even agree to go on a date with him, but he didn't even mind. He waited all that time just so he could go out on a date with me.

I guess it paid off in the long run, seeing as we have now been dating for just over a year.

   "I'm just glad you're happy." His reassuring smile was obviously forced, but I knew he meant it. He is Ian Miller after all; all he ever wants is the best for everyone else. He's the most selfless person I've ever known.

   "What about you?" I rose my eyebrow. "Are you happy?"

   Ian just returned from serving active duty in the army. I will never understand what the conditions were like or what he had seen there. I would never pretend to, either, but I'd always be here to talk to him no matter how much time passes.

   "I'm managing," he answered honestly. I could tell he was being honest by the way he sighed and leaned back in his chair. It was just a sign that he was relaxed and not worrying about a lie.

   He never was the best liar.

   "I've seen things, I've done things. It's all pretty scarring, but I'm managing it all."

   "Would you tell me if you weren't?" I didn't have the right to ask; we aren't together anymore and I'm with someone else, but I couldn't help it.

   Ian glanced over at me with a longing look in his eyes, but I had to brush it off. "I have to see a therapist once a week."

"What was it like?" I asked, genuinely curious. "If you don't mind me asking."

"It's fine," he nodded, shifting in his chair. It was a habit of his when he was uncomfortable, meaning he didn't want to share or it was just hard to talk about. "Without really getting into it, it's scary out there. I watched people die. I watched people get shot and killed. I shot and killed people." His last sentence was barely above a whisper. He looked too overwhelmed for me to even expect him to continue.

"How long have you been home?" I asked, changing the subject off of his experience there. That's something he should be talking about with his professional therapist, not ex-girlfriend. That type of talk is a lot deeper than any conversation two ex-lovers should ever have.

"I landed in Massachusetts Wednesday to see my family and just flew home yesterday morning."

After Ian left for the army, his parents were terrified for the well-being of their son — proud, but scared. They decided moving to Massachusetts where Ian's older brother, Hayden, lives would be easier for them. Hayden attended MIT, just like Ian was supposed to, but he went for the technology program as opposed to the ROTC program like Ian had planned to.

"Why'd you come here?"

Ian shot me a jokingly offended look, and we both simultaneously broke out into a fit of laughter. I think we were laughing more at the fact we missed each other's stupid jokes than the stupid joke itself.

"I didn't mean it like that, you dweeb." I hit his shoulder, ignoring the feeling I got after barely touching him for the first time in four years.

"This is home, Jos," he said softly.

For four years, I've wondered what my life would be like right now if Ian didn't go into the army and stuck to the plan to go to MIT for the ROTC. Would we still be together and happy? Would we have broken up eventually anyway? How long would he have been away at school before he was recruited? Would he have met someone new?

There are so many possibilities that could've happened if he hadn't left; they are endless, really.

But I choose not to focus on the what if's anymore. He joined the army and fought for our country. I respect him and support his decisions, but things are different now.

He may still be Ian Miller, and I'm still Josie Pappstein, but we've changed since graduation.

•••

Yay, another update!
I'm entering this story in the Wattys, and I'm really excited!!! Make sure you guys show your support :)

I got a new phone today — iPhone 8+ and I'm so happy about it!! My old phone was so slow, but may she Rest In Peace!

Also I got called off of work today for the first time and it's literally like hearing you got a snow day, it was great!!

Hope everyone had a good week, and has a good one ahead of them! I leave for my student council leadership camp on Sunday! I'm so excited and so nervous!!!

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- Emily