Touched by the Fear

[6]

Allison laughed but agreed. "Oh, I ran into Carter inside. He was looking for you."

"I told him where I was going," she said with a sigh. "I guess I'll go see what he wants. Have fun you two."

She made her way inside to find the place packed with people, and the music was considerably louder. The walk across the room was almost maze-like. Every simple move was harder to make with the ever-growing amount of teenagers dancing, stumbling and walking. When she made it to the other side, Hollis's search for Carter came to an end. He sat with a group of friends in the corner of the room. Hollis recognized the four boys from the basketball team and guessed that the giggling girls were their girlfriends.

Hollis had the sudden urge to turn and head back outside. The seconds ticked by while she stood there contemplating her next move. Just before she could move a muscle, she was discovered.

"Holly!" A blonde girl waved to her.

"It's Hollis," a girl whispered, correcting her friend.

"Oh, oops," the blonde said and went into a fit of giggles.

Nine pairs of eyes met hers, including Carter's. Walking away was no longer an option. She mentally kicked herself for taking so long to decide. She made her way over to the group, a strained smile plastered across her face.

"Did you find them?" Carter asked above the noise.

Hollis nodded. "Yeah, they're out back. I left Allison with Scott. Lydia and Jackson are out there, too, but I didn't talk to them."

Carter's hand reached for hers and pulled her down next to him. She sunk into the sofa, wishing she had said that she was still looking for them.

He handed her a drink in a plastic cup but she shook her head. "Thanks, but I'm not drinking." A few quizzical looks were thrown her way, as if not drinking was preposterous.

Hollis looked around the group. Each person nursed a drink and from the slight slurring of words and uncontrollable laughter at nothing in particular, she guessed that they each already had their share of alcohol. She turned to Carter who was somehow sober. Either he had very little to drink or his tolerance was high.

The conversation the group had been having picked up almost immediately. Hollis listened to the mindless chatter of sports and fashion. The longer she sat there, the slower that time appeared to go by. For the most part, she remained quiet but spoke up when a question or comment was directed at her.

When she couldn't take anymore, she stood up and excused herself.

She stopped in the kitchen, happy to see that it was less crowded than other parts of the house. Leaning against the counter, she took a few deep breaths. Hollis wasn't claustrophobic but lately the inability to breathe when she was nervous or around large groups took a toll on her. It felt as if the panic attacks were strengthening as of late, and she fought for control. One in, one out, she repeated in her head until the stuffy air entered into her lungs with ease.

A few minutes passed before she saw Carter emerge from the crowd. He stood by her side and looked down at her with a questioning expression.

"Are you okay?" He questioned, taking note of the anxious look on her face.

Hollis smiled softly, nodding. "Yeah, I just got a little panicky for sec but...I'm okay now."

"Did you want to head back?" He asked, indicating the space his friends occupied.

She shook her head, staring down at her hands.

"You're just going to stand here by yourself?"

"I just need some time to adjust. All of this is a little overwhelming," Hollis told him.

Carter sighed, running a hand through his hair. "It's a party, it's supposed to be overwhelming and fun. Standing here by yourself doesn't sound like fun."

"Yeah, well, neither does watching you and your friends get wasted." She instantly regretted the words. Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath and let it out. "I didn't mean it like that. I just meant that being the only sober one in the group isn't much fun."

"So drink something," He answered. "Come on, live a little, Hollis. It won't kill you to let loose for once in your life."

Hollis shook her head at his words. "I don't need to drink to have fun," she answered. "And I can't let loose. I've tried, Carter, but it's easier said than done."

"Unbelievable," Carter muttered, too low for her to hear. Crossing his arms, he shook his head. "Are you still mad about what I said to Stiles? Because I thought we were past that."

"No. I mean, you weren't exactly nice but that's not it. It's...." She sighed.

"Oh, come on, don't tell me that you're still -"

Hollis raised her eyebrows. "Grieving? Well, I am." She looked up at the boy she had fallen for in middle school, the boy who had made her feel special since their first date. She couldn't believe that he didn't understand. "There aren't any guidelines on how long a person should grieve for, Carter. I thought that you of all people would understand."

"Why? Because I lost my dad when I was seven?" He asked in disbelief, shaking his head.

"Well, yeah." A silence passed between them. Hollis hoped that he would say that he did understand, that he would comfort her like he had when she first lost her parents. But those words of understanding didn't pass his lips.

"I know you're hurting, but-"

Again, she interrupted him. "But what? Is it inconvenient for you, Carter? Is that it? Is the death of my parents getting in the way of your social life?" The guilt she had felt vanished. Now she felt hurt and angry at his unjust reaction.

He looked at her hard. "Yeah, it is," he answered bluntly. "I've put up with this for months and now when I thought that we could go out and have fun...." Carter left the sentence unfinished. He stared down at her, his expression softening. "Look, I do understand, Hollis. But I just wish we could get on with our lives, leave what happened in June behind."

Hollis didn't hear his attempt at an apology or explanation because all she heard was the unfinished sentence. "Put up?" A pained look crossed her face as she looked up at him. "Wow, Carter, I didn't know I was such a burden."

He sighed, shamefaced and reached out for her but, when she pulled back from him, he dropped his arm. "I didn't mean any of that."

"Well, you sounded pretty convincing to me," she retorted. 

"I'm sorry, Hollis. Look, let's just get back to the party." His eyes pleaded with her but Hollis was too stubborn and hurt to just forgive and forget. 

"You know what? Just forget it, Carter. Go back to your drinking buddies." With that, she turned around and started to walk away from him.

"Where are you going?" He asked, his voice carrying through the noise.

She glanced over her shoulder and kept her face neutral. "Don't worry about it, Carter."

AN: I'm kind of leaving this chapter on a cliffhanger but I hope you loved it! Please vote and don't hesitate to leave comment. I love hearing what you think. Thanks for reading and all the support <3