Nothing But A Memory

Chapter 16- B e a c h

I've had some time to recuperate and decided it'd be best to try and move on, as silly as the idea sounds right now. It feels like a unachievable idea to think I could ever move on from an encounter like Ivan. I know I'll never be the same but I'm trying to be okay with that. These summer days have been flying by right before my eyes, out of my control. Time feels like such a silly concept, a construct of society to make us feel better. Holidays, birthdays, traditions it's all a way to feel better about ourselves, a construct of society just like country borders and races. In the end we are all born on a plot of land with desires to be loved and cared for.

I try to avoid flipping through picture albums since they always get me so emotional and I've had enough crying for at least 5 years but my curiosity got the best of me and i found myself sitting on the cold tile of my bedroom in a circle of mountains of pictures from my mom and her family in Cuba. I wish there was a way to watch my mom grow up like if it was a movie, to see everything she went through growing up, all of her sacrifices for me, all her mistakes so that I can learn from it all. I've heard countless stories from Cuba but nothing could ever compare from experiencing it first hand, all the emotions. I found one picture in particular of my mom sitting in a chair with her hands crossed, showing off a ring, nothing fancy. It has a gold band, a small diamond flower with white petals and blue core. I got a urge to pee but when all the pictures fell off my legs, my entire crotch was covered in blood. I haven't been getting better, mentally or physically. I have scars now across my abdomen from where Ivan slashed me. How am I supposed to feel good about myself and confident if I'm covered in evidence of my worst nightmare. I have to use tampons and pads now on a daily basis when I'm supposed to be off my period.

Mom's ring inspired me to get a ring of my own, which is how I ended up at the jewelry store scanning the variety of rings that with time all began to look the same.

"How can I help you?" The young busty woman stood in front of me, the display separating us.

"Um, I'm looking for a ring. Not a wedding or engagement ring just for everyday..." I was scanning the engagement rings when she approached. It made me wonder if I'd ever get married and if I would reject the proposal because of my trauma.

"Well, everyday rings are over here. Follow me." She walks to the other side of the small store and pulls out a small tray of gold rings with different designs made of diamonds.

There was one ring in particular that caught my eye. The ring was gold with flower design like my mom's ring except the petals are purple and the core is white.

"I like this one." I point at the ring I like

"This ring is 178 dollars..." She holds the ring out in her palm

"Oh wow." Again I'll just have to hope I don't get into debt.

"I'll take it, I'll pay debit."

As soon as I got the ring I quickly went home to change into my bathing suit and drive to South beach for crossfit's beach wod.

"Ah hi!" Gaby squealed once I approached the black tent filled with everybody from crossfit.

"Hi!" I forced a smile. It feels hard to be happy but I don't want to be the one that ruins a good time and becomes a burden by talking about how I'm feeling.

"They have pastelitos, do you want one?" I nodded and Gaby quickly walked over to the trays of pastries and croquettes.

"Hey Nat!" Jonathan calls me over and I give him a quick kiss hello on the cheek along with everybody else that I knew.

"You look skinnier, good for you." Keisha told me and I quietly thanked her because she doesn't know how or why I lost weight so quickly.

"How have you been?" Jonathan strikes up a conversation as he slowly sipped on a corona beer. He's wearing a short sleeves button down that was left open to show his bare hairy chest and blue swimming shorts.