Don't look back

Forty five

The next morning Mary woke up screaming from a nightmare, having wet her bed, so at five am, her and Rick were sat playing naughts and crosses with a piece of chalk.
"I'm goin' huntin'," Daryl said suddenly, coming over to them, the only other person awake, "we've not got much food left."
"Okay. Don't go far." Rick nodded. "He won't do anything. Not while we're... Negotiating. Not while he knows he could get what he wants."
"I can take her, if you wanna break. Go back to bed, whatever." Daryl offered, nodding towards Mary.
"You wanna go hunting?" Rick asked Mary softly.
"With Uncle Daryl?" Mary whispered up at him, and he nodded. "Yeah."
"Okay. Go put some clothes and your boots on then. And wear your little belt to hold your knife." Rick said gently, as Mary was sat on his lap wearing her underwear only, wrapped in Rick's jacket.
Mary got up and ran to her cell block, and came back out in the all-in-one playsuit she had worn the day before, with her knife attached to a tiny leather belt, her hair tied into a ponytail with her bandana, and her cowboy boots.
"You're gonna be good, aren't you?" Rick asked Mary firmly, and Mary nodded back. "Okay. Good girl. Get me some nice berries, yeah?"
"Yeah."
"You're gonna be okay?" Rick asked again.
"Yeah! I'm going on an adventure with my Uncle Daryl!" Mary grinned.
"Okay. Kiss." Rick smiled softly, and Mary kissed his cheek. "Bye bye. Be good!"
"I'm always good." Mary giggled, grabbing Daryl's grubby hand.
"She'll be fine." Daryl assured Rick, before leaving, his crossbow in one hand, Mary in the other.
"You doin' okay?" Daryl asked the child softly as they walked out of the prison gates.
"Yeah." Mary nodded slowly.
"My mommy died too, ya know." Daryl said gently, his gruff personality fading.
"When you was a big boy or little?" Mary asked, looking up at him.
"I was a little boy. A bit older than you."
"Did she have a baby too?"
"No, there was a fire at my house when I was little. I wasn't there." Daryl explained.
"Oh. That's sad." Mary nodded slowly.
"Yeah. I'm real sorry about your mommy. I know it's hard."
"We both have big brothers who look after us though. Even if Merle is mean."
"I know he was nasty then, but Merle is a nice person really. He's real sorry."
Mary nodded slowly, then stopped and began to pick berries. "I forgive him. I bet he thought he was doing the right thing."
"Yeah," Daryl smiled softly, "he did. You're real smart, for such a little kid."
"Thanks!" Mary grinned happily, taking her bandana off and putting the berries inside to make a pouch, which Daryl tied to her belt.
Suddenly, Daryl stopped dead still, and grabbed his crossbow, then shot two arrows. "Look." Daryl said gently, as they walked to where the arrows had landed.
"Wow!" Mary gasped, seeing how Daryl had his two squirrels, each one through the head.
Daryl nodded at her in approval, and removed the arrows. They carried on like that for over an hour, until they headed back, Mary lagging behind slightly. Once they got back to the prison, Rick came over to them straight away.
"Are you okay? No trouble? Was you good, Mary?" Rick asked stressfully.
"Yep!" Mary grinned happily, walking over and hugging him, then letting Rick pick her up.
"Good as gold." Daryl said softly, "and she'll sleep well tonight. Did a lotta walkin'."
"Good. As long as your safe." Rick nodded.
"I got you some berries!" Mary smiled, passing him the cloth pouch.
"Wow! Thanks!" Rick smiled, kissing her forehead. "Let's go share these with Carl." They walked into the cell block, just as everyone was eating breakfast.
"We really did go early." Mary laughed to Daryl, and he gave her a softly smile back.
"I'm gonna go gut and skin these. We can have 'em for dinner." Daryl announced, as Rick sat down with Mary.
"Did you have anything to eat before you left?" Carol asked Mary softly, "Are you hungry?"
"Not really, no she didn't. Just a juice box and, like two crackers." Rick replied, and Carol gave her some canned orange segments.
"Dis is yummy." Mary grinned, her mouth full of the fruit.
"You've not had orange for ages." Carl nodded, and Mary smiled back at him, then carried on eating.
"I got loads of berries," Mary announced to the group, "and Daryl killed lots of squirrels and two bunnies. I wanted to keep them, but Daryl said you can't catch wild rabbits."
"Well done." Hershel smiled warmly, and Mary's smile grew.
"I'm good at hunting," Mary began proudly, "because I'm good at staying quiet. Daddy's isn't good at it yet. He'll get better."
"Alright, alright." Rick laughed, almost embarrassed.
Carl looked over at Mary and passed her his last orange segment, seeing that she had finished. Mary smiled at him, then bit it in half, and gave him back the rest.
"What's today's plan?" Glenn asked everyone.
"Not much. Prepare." Rick shrugged.
"I wanna do some drawing and play tag. And I want to eat some eggys. And then play princesses." Mary said firmly, and Rick laughed at her with raised eyebrows.
"Glenn'll play princesses with you." Maggie teased, and Glenn just laughed.
"Can we go on a run?" Mary asked Rick seriously.
"Why?"
"It's fun." The child shrugged.
"No, we don't need to." Rick replied in amusement.
"Oh." Mary sighed, slightly disappointed. "I'm gonna go play."
She got up and ran over to her cell block, getting out her small train and rolling it around the floors, chattering to herself, and loading the wooden animals into the plastic carriages.
"Judith!" She shouted, running over to where Beth as sat, holding Judith, her train running along the walls, "Look at my train and the animals!"
"Wow." Beth laughed, holding Judith up so she could see the train.
"Carl found them for me, because he's out brother, Judith, and he's the bestest brother ever."
"Thanks." Carl laughed from behind her, popping up and putting his hat on her head. Mary giggled and turned around, her face covered by the hat, and poking her tongue out at her older brother.
"I'm going out on watch. See you in a bit." Carl smiled to Mary, and she nodded. "You can ask, you know." He half laughed.
"Who's coming off watch?" Mary asked with a smile.
"Maggie. Go annoy her, I know you're desperate to." Carl teased.
"What do you mean, annoy her?" Mary asked innocently, her face falling, and Carl instantly felt bad.
"Nothing. It was a joke, honest. Shall we go find her?"
"Yeah. Bye bye Judy!" Mary grinned, instantly happy again, then she got up and followed Carl to the lookout post, holding his hand.
"Maggie!" Mary shouted, as her and Carl climbed the look out tower.
"Hey, your dad said he didn't want you up here." Maggie cautioned, ruffling her hair.
"Why?"
"Because..." Maggie began slowly.
"Why can Carl and not me?" The child enquired.
"Well, Carl is older."
"I'm practically a grown up." Mary sighed, and Carl and Maggie both laughed.
"Okay. I'm gonna go down. You okay up here alone?" Maggie asked Carl, and he nodded. "Come on then." The woman smiled to Mary, and they left.
"Maggie?" Mary asked softly as they walked into the cell block.
"Yeah?"
"Am I annoying? Carl said I annoy you." She whispered, slightly scared of what the answer would be.
"No, of course not. I love having you around." Maggie smiled down at her softly.
"Sure?" Mary mumbled.
"Of course I am. We're friends." Maggie assured.
"Okay. Can we play princesses?"
"Sure." Maggie sighed, entertaining the child for a good two hours before a small lunch of a few ritz crackers.
"Daddy, what do we do now?" Mary asked Rick with a sigh.
"What do you wanna do?" Rick replied, and Mary sighed, then lent against him.
"I don't know."
"Well, do you want to play a game?"
"Nah. I don't know. I want to go back and play at the farm." Mary mumbled, grabbing Rick's arm and snuggling into it.
"You know we can't." Rick sighed.
"Why?"
"Because there's too many Walkers there."
"But there was lots here and we killed them. Why can't we kill the ones at the farm?"
"The farm's a long way back, and we can't get to it now." Rick explained.
"But why not?" Mary whined.
"Because it's too far and..."
"But it's not too far. We have a car."
"Mary, it's too far." Rick snapped harshly, and Mary froze, then let go of his arm and sat up straight by herself, almost scared.
"Hey, it's alright." Glenn said softly, his thumb stroking the top of her arm gently.
"Mary," Rick sighed, trying to regain his patience, "we can't go back to the farm. If we could, we would. But it's just not an option. Okay? You need to understand that this is our home now."
Mary didn't say anything, then lent over to Glenn even more, and nestled into the side of his chest.
"Mary. I'm sorry for losing my temper." Rick sighed, still sounding annoyed, and Mary held onto Glenn's shirt even tighter. "Mary."
"Mary..." Glenn began, then stopped, knowing that he probably shouldn't get involved, not wanting to annoy Rick further, after all he wasn't Mary's dad - Rick was.
"Mary, please don't ignore me." Rick pleaded, however Mary didn't say anything in reply. "Mary!"
"Don't shout at her." Carl half shouted, and Rick sighed yet again, then left.
"Mary, come here." Carl ordered, his voice gentle yet firm. At this, Mary began to cry.
"Hey, hey, Mary Moo. Calm down, it's okay," Glenn soothed, going to pick her up, "it's okay."
"I don't want you, I want my mommy!" Mary shouted suddenly, then she got up and ran to her cell, crying shakily. She heard Maggie come running over to her cell, then Carl grabbing her.
"Let her have time to be alone. To breathe." Carl said gently, then Mary heard the footsteps slowly get quieter, until they were gone.
Then she cried into her pillow, falling in and out of short dreamless naps. When she fully woke up, she was still tearful and suddenly shy, and instead of trying to find her father or brother, she went up to the watch tower.
"Hey. Whatcha doin'?" A gruff voice asked Mary. "Yer dad said he doesn't want ya out here."
"Daddy is mad. I like it here." Mary said simply, walking over to Daryl and sitting on the floor, her legs swinging over the edge.
"Don't you fall now. Stay behind the barrier." Daryl ordered, and Mary nodded back at him. "Why's yer dad mad?"
"I wanna go home." Mary whined, looking into the forest from behind the barriers.
"Home?"
"Yeah."
"Well, which one?" Daryl asked.
"Farm. With mommy." Mary mumbled.
Daryl sighed, then sat beside the child. "Why d'ya like being here?" He questioned.
"Pretty." Mary shrugged, still looking at the landscape.
Daryl looked over at the landscape, just like the child, and nodded slowly. "Yeah, I guess."
"Uncle Daryl, why does daddy keep getting mad?"
The man sighed yet again, then gently said, "He's jus' sad about yer mom."
"I call her mommy." Mary interrupted.
"He's jus' sad about yer mommy," Daryl repeated, correcting himself, "and different people deal with death differently. Some people pretend it didn't happen, some people cry, some people get mad, some people get so upset they get sick."
"Daddy sees things. That's what he said to Mishy."
Daryl nodded slowly. "Yer daddy is very very sad. And it makes him a bit mad, but he doesn't mean to upset ya."
"I just wanna go home." Mary cried gently.
"This is home now. Okay? You gotta understand that. Home is where your family is. And we're here."
"But mommy's not."
"No. But sometimes we just have to find a way to go on without other people." Daryl said gently, and Mary nodded, then hugged him tightly. Awkwardly, Daryl patted her shoulder, then after a few seconds she pulled away. "You need a shower." Mary mumbled to him, and then the two of them laughed.
"Tell yer what, if yer go and make friends with yer dad, then I'll have a wash."
"Daddy, not dad." Mary mumbled.
"Go make friends with yer daddy, then." Daryl half laughed. Mary took a shaky breath in and nodded, then got up and ran down the steps and into the cell block, bumping into Michonne.
"Misnon, where's daddy?" Mary asked quietly.
"He's just in his cell, I think. He seemed to have a bit of a head ache." Michonne explained gently. "Are you okay now?"
"I need to talk to daddy. Then I will be." Mary nodded seriously.
"Okay." Michonne smiled softly, and Mary ran over to Rick's cell, right next to her own.
"Daddy?" Mary whispered from the door, seeing Rick sat there with his head in his hands. At the sound of his daughters voice, Rick's head shots up and looked at her. "Daddy are you okay?"
"I'm fine. I'm fine. Are you okay? Mary, I'm so sorry for upsetting you. So sorry." Rick said gently.
"Can I come in?" Mary whispered.
"Of course. Of course, come here." Rick smiled gently, and Mary ran straight into his arms, hugging him tightly. Rick held her for a while, then sat her on his lap and looked her in the eyes. "I'm so sorry, Mary. Sometimes I forget that you're only little. That you don't understand everything. You act so grown up, it's easy to forget that you're only four."
"Almost five." Mary mumbled, and Rick laughed, kissing the side of her head.
"I love you, princess."
"Love you too." Mary whispered, hugging him tightly. "Are you having a sad day? Misnon says you have a headache."
"Yeah, I do." Rick said softly.
"Are you seeing things again?" Mary asked, then, seeing the surprise on Rick's face, she added, "I heard you tell Misnon."
"No, I'm not seeing things. Not now. I won't lie to you. I did. After mommy died, I did." Rick explained gently.
"What sort of things?" Mary asked innocently.
"I used to see your mommy."
"Was you seeing mommy when you was shouting at the new people?"
"Yes. Yes, I was." Rick nodded gently.
"It's good to talk about sad things. It makes you less sad."
"Yeah. Yeah, it does. Come on, shall we do something? What do you want to do?" Rick offered, remembering the child's remarks about her boredom.
"When can I go to school?" Mary asked in a mumble, already knowing the answer.
"There isn't school anymore. You don't have to go. You're lucky, it's really boring." Rick joked.
"I wanna go." Mary insisted, and Rick half laughed.
"Okay. Let's do some school. Shall we do reading, writing, or maths?"
"Writing." Mary smiled, and Rick smiled back at her.
"Okay. Go get your chalk, and we'll do letters outside." Rick ordered, and Mary nodded, then grabbed the chalk from her cell, and went outside with Rick. The pair then went outside, and laid on their stomachs, writing the alphabet letter by letter, rubbing them out as they went along.
"What letters are in your name then? Can you remember?" Rick asked, and Mary pursed her lips in concentration, then nodded.
"M-A-R-H-E." Mary said slowly.
"You know this one, I've seen you write it before." Carl teased, while walking the perimeter.
"T-Dog helped me. He always helped me know what letters and sometimes would write it first. So did mommy and Maggie." Mary explained.
"Well, you've almost got Glenn's last name. That's R-H-E-E."
"Why two E's?"
"That's just the way it's spelt."
"Why Rhee? I've never heard that before."
"Glenn's told you his last name before," Rick laughed, "and that's just what it is. It sounds a little different because Glenn's parents were from a different country, called Korea."
"That's so cool! What country am I from? America? I am, aren't I?"
"Yeah, you're American. That's still cool though."
"Yeah, it is." Mary nodded. "Glenn's name is so pretty though."
"So is yours. Now, it's spelt M-A-R-Y."
"Oh yeah, I remember now." Mary laughed. "I've not done writing for a while."
"And how do you spell Grimes?"
"G-R-I-M-Z?"
"Almost. It's G-R-I-M-E-S. Very close." Rick nodded.
Mary smiled, and wrote down her surname correctly, then asked, "R-I-K?"
"R-I-C-K. It's a tricky one, isn't it?"
"Yep," Mary nodded, writing it down, then writing the surname yet again, "and C-A-R-L?"
"Yep! Well down."
"J-O-O-D-I-F?"
"Judith is a hard one too. It's J-U-D-I-T-H." Rick corrected, and Mary nodded, then wrote it down correctly.
"G-L-E-N R-H-E-E?" The child asked, and Rick smiled softly.
"Almost, but there's two N's at the end of Glenn."
"M-A-H-G-I?"
Rick held back a laugh, and ruffled Mary's hair. "No. M-A-G-G-I-E." Mary nodded, and wrote Maggie Rhee. "No," Rick laughed, "Maggie is called Maggie Greene, not Rhee."
"Why? Green is a colour. And me and you and Carl and Judith are family, so have the same last name. Glenn and Maggie are in love, like you and mommy. So they have the same name."
Rick laughed at Mary. "Okay. You leave it like that. She won't mind."
"And Daryl? D-A-H-R-H-I-L-L?"
"No, it's D-A-R-Y-L." Rick chuckled.
"This spelling stuff is silly. Nothing is spelt the way it sounds." Mary sighed, laying her head on the floor in exasperation.
"I know, it is silly." Rick laughed.
"What's Daryl's last name? I forgot."
"Dixon."
"D-I-K-S-O-N?"
"D-I-X-O-N." Rick explained.
"I'm done for the day," Mary declared after writing down the rest of the wobbly letters, "it's hard and silly and I'm going to make up my own names and spellings so it's easier."
"Alright," Rick laughed, "you do that. I don't think anyone would mind."
"Is it dinner time yet?" Mary asked, and Rick laughed yet again.
"Shall we go see?" He asked, and Mary nodded, but when they went inside she ran straight to Maggie.
"Maggie?" The child began, and Maggie picked her up in a teasing fashion, sensing a question coming her way. "Is your last name Rhee?"
"What? No, it's Greene. Like my dad and Beth."
"Yes, but that's wrong."
"What do you mean?" Maggie laughed.
"Well, you and Glenny are family, so why would you not share a name? I share a name with daddy and Carl and Judith."
Glenn sniggered at the comments, but was silenced by a stern look from Maggie. "If me and Glenn got married, then I would become Maggie Rhee. But we're not married."
"I thought you are? Because you're in love." Mary questioned, looking over at Glenn in confusion. "Glenn, why haven't you married my Maggie?"
"Well, we've just not yet," Glenn explained awkwardly, "but one day we will. Hopefully."
Maggie laughed at Glenn's embarrassed face, then looked down at Mary. "Have you ever been to a wedding? Do you want to go to one, is that why you're asking?"
"No, I don't get what it is. I just didn't understand why you're not called Maggie Rhee." Mary shrugged. "But I do want to still marry Glenn."
"I'm a bit too old for you sweetheart." Glenn laughed, walking over and ruffling her hair.
"And? I love you and you said you love me. Me and daddy love each other but you can't marry your dad, and me and Carl love each other, but you can't marry your brother. I love Maggie but she's a girl so I can't marry her. And I love you, and you're not my dad, and not my brother, so I can marry you!"
"Four year old logic." Maggie laughed, as did Glenn.
"When you do get married, Miss Mary," Glenn began, taking her out of Maggie's arms and into his own, "I hope you're at least eighteen, hopefully older. And he will be your own age, because when you're eighteen I'll be a very old man."
"No," Mary giggled, "you're only ten!"
"Ah, no," Glenn chuckled, "I'm a bit older than ten. And I'll be, I don't know, like thirty five? I dunno. I'll be old. And by the time you're getting married, hopefully I'll already be married with children of my own, maybe."
"Oh really?" Maggie laughed.
"Hey, you never know what the future holds. And if Mary gets married at eighteen, then that's in fourteen years. A lot can change in that amount of time. Maybe this will be over."
"What will be over?" Mary asked in confusion.
"All this. No more Walkers. The world can be like it used to be." Glenn explained gently.
"I'd like that. I could go to school. And get chicken and lots of food and ice cream and a dog. If the Walkers go, and everything is like before, will mommy come back?" Mary asked absentmindedly, not upset over the topic, nor happy.
"No, kiddo." Glenn whispered.
"Will I still live with all of you though? I don't want to not live with you and Maggie and Uncle Daryl and everyone else."
"I have a feeling we'll all stay together, don't you worry." Maggie promised, and Mary truly believed it, with every inch of her tiny heart.