Everyone Un-Died + My Gardener Bit Me: The Oral History of the Zombie Apocalypse

A Bioweapons Factory With Snack Time

AARON RUBICON: How are your parents doing, by the way?

DOUGAL: They're fine. They spend most of their time praying for the Second Coming of Robot Jesus. So I guess "fine" wasn't the right word. Delusional? Borderline psychotic? Nicolas Cage-esque?

KEVIN: But they're surprisingly good with Angel.

DOUGAL: And speaking of. You probably don't remember that Kevin wanted Angel be able to decide for zirself self what gender and/or orientation —

KEVIN: — if any! —

DOUGAL: — Angel is.

KEVIN: And if you've never heard of zir for some reason —

DOUGAL: — like, maybe you don't live in our house —

KEVIN: — it is a gender neutral pronoun.

DOUGAL: Yes. Kevin insists that we use it, because it's so very important that we spend an hour a day explaining it to people.

KEVIN: As you can see, Dougal didn't like the idea of letting Angel make the decision.

DOUGAL: Because I'd already seen some of Angel's other decisions and they were not good. You should hear the music Angel likes. Pop Goes The Weasel? The Farmer In The Dell? Old MacDonald Had A Farm? Yeesh! Come back, Cardi B, all is forgiven!

AARON RUBICON: So what did Angel decide?

DOUGAL: Tell him, Kevin.

KEVIN: Well... Angel identifies... as a... um... firetruck.

DOUGAL: I won't lie. When I heard that, I laughed my ass off!

KEVIN: But that's when Dougal's Dad — of all people! — said, "There's nothing funny about it! If my grandchild wants to be a firetruck, by Silicon God, my grandchild gets to be a firetruck!"

AARON RUBICON: Huh. I did not see that coming.

DOUGAL: I know! It's crazy! A few years ago my parents made me go to therapy — which, lest we forget, involved a bottle full of my own poop! — because they thought being gay was unnatural. Their grandkid wants to be an inanimate object and Bob and Susan Latham act like it's the most normal thing in the world.

KEVIN: It's very sweet.

DOUGAL: I guess.

AARON RUBICON: All right, so you were telling me about Sebastian.

DOUGAL: Right. So I had assumed that I wouldn't like the other kids at the school. And I didn't. They're self-centered, they're rude and they're soooooo boring! They're like tiny Kendall Jenners, but somehow even less talented. But as bad as the kids were, the parents were a jillion times worse! And the worst of the worst were Sebastian's parents.

KEVIN: Rod and Tish.

DOUGAL: (gagging sound)

KEVIN: They are beyond awful.

AARON RUBICON: How so?

DOUGAL: Well, they're both trial lawyers.

KEVIN: Trial lawyers who wear matching jackets.

DOUGAL: Matching jackets with pictures of their son silkscreened on the backs!

KEVIN: And as you probably guessed, they don't discipline Sebastian at all. He throws tantrums, he breaks things, he steals and he hits the other kids. Sebastion never thinks he's doing anything wrong because his parents never think he's doing anything wrong.

AARON RUBICON: Why doesn't the administration do something about him?

DOUGAL: Because they're afraid! A few months ago, this little girl named Briella got the part in the fall play that Sebastian wanted and Rod and Tish sued the school!

AARON RUBICON: Holy crap! What was the part?

KEVIN: A leaf.

AARON RUBICON: They sued over a leaf?

KEVIN: To be fair, the leaf had all the best lines — "Take it or leaf it!" "I want to branch out!" "I've had my chlorophyll of you!" (laughs)

DOUGAL: And he complains that my jokes aren't funny.

KEVIN: Anyway, Rod and Tish claimed the school was discriminating against Sebastian because he is "on the spectrum."

AARON RUBICON: Which spectrum?

DOUGAL: All of 'em, we're pretty sure. When it was all over, two beloved teachers and one meh principal were fired. Plus, Briella's dad got into a pretty bad motorcycle accident, which was probably unrelated, but who can say with those two?

AARON RUBICON: All right, Sebastian is a terrible kid, but how did he start the Zombie Apocalypse?

DOUGAL: OK, so there's a really, really strict rule about not bringing your kid to school when they're sick. Which — let's be honest — they are pretty much all the time. A preschool is basically a bioweapons factory with snack time. So, again being honest, all of us cheat a little bit. Just For Kids is crazy-expensive, so if the kid just has sniffles or a scratchy throat we're gonna roll the dice.

KEVIN: But Rod and Tish brought Sebastian in to school when he looked like he was halfway dead. He was wheezing, he was sweating, his eyes were red, and he was listless, lying on the floor, moaning.

DOUGAL: In other words, much more pleasant than usual.

KEVIN: This was one of those awkward moments when all the parents were looking at each other to see who would be the one to tell Rod and Tish to take their little diseased monster home, ideally forever. But none of us would do it. Then one brave teacher, Heather — this teeny little wisp of a thing — tried to gently broach the subject. In the cutest voice you've ever heard she said, "Um, I think Sebastian needs to go home. He's a little green around the gills."

DOUGAL: And then she was caught in a crossfire of angry lawyers. "Are you a doctor, Heather?" "Is that your medical diagnosis, Heather?" "Where did you do your residency, Heather?" "Where, exactly, are these gills you refer to, Heather?" "What accredited medical school taught you that the human body has gills, Heather?" It just kept going.

KEVIN: And while we were all watching Rod and Tish piling on poor Heather — "So you admit you have no medical training at all, isn't that right, Heather?" — unbeknownst to us our little Firetruck-American went over to Sebastian because zir was worried about him. Our little firetruck said, "Are you, OK, Sebastian?"

DOUGAL: Compassion is another one of the dumb things they teach these kids.

KEVIN: And then Sebastian suddenly jumped up and tried to bite Angel on the face! Before I even realized what was going on, Dougal scooped Angel up in his arms and yelled at Sebastian. Loud. The teachers stared at him, horrified.

DOUGAL: I don't know why. They're the ones always going on and about how important it is to "use your words." Unless one of the words is shit-head, I guess.

KEVIN: And then all the other kids started calling Sebastian a shit-head, too!

DOUGAL: Which was just [kisses his fingers like an Italian chef]. Delizioso! Sebastian started making this weird Rrrrrr! sound while Rod and Tish shouted about how they were going to sue everybody, including Twitchy the school bunny rabbit.

AARON RUBICON: And that's when they kicked Angel out?

KEVIN: Yup. And we learned that the next day, Just For Kids went nuts. Kids biting other kids, kids biting teachers, teachers biting parents...

DOUGAL: I guess they'll have to change the name now.

AARON RUBICON: To what?

DOUGAL: Just For Zombies. LOL! I mean... I'll give you something to cry about, buster!