black & white ➳ irwin a.u.

chapter twenty three

According to the five stages of grief, Ashton had just barely got out of the first stage, Isolation and Denial. He soon began to move towards step two. Anger. Not to mention all the sleeping around and drinking he had been doing. Even though he still loved Jane with every fiber in his being, Ash had thought she didn't want a damn thing to do with him.

And that's how he ended up with the blonde (Penny or Penelope or something like that.)

Ashton's head was pounding and any small movement made him groan. He rubbed his eyes and tried to avoid touching the girl laying in his bed. It was only two in the morning, still an early night for him. Usually he'd find his way home around four with some drunk girl on his arm. They'd fuck, he'd send her home with money for a cab. That's how this thing had been going.

The boys had a bet, how many girls it would take for Ashton to realize none of them were like Jane. But nearly 22 girls into it, they were losing fast. Michael thought it would take at least seven, but Luke thought two or three before he was begging for forgiveness.

Calum had been watching the whole thing pan out from afar, waiting for one of the boys to call him, or much less speak to him. They've done a few interviews and band practices but none of them even looked at him. It was horrible and a punishment he didn't deserve. He didn't do anything to Jane. Not a god damned thing, unlike Ashton. Who slept around far more than he should be.

Blondie stirred, rolling on her back and sitting up. She scanned the room quickly, like she was trying to process where she was and what happened. Ashton just stared up at her, making no move to speak to her. She sighed, standing from the bed and searching for her clothes.

"You gonna ask me to stay?" Blondie jeered while she pulled on her skirt.

"No." His voice was quiet.

"Ok." She finished getting dressed, shifting her weight on her feet.

"Wallets on the nightstand, take as much as you'll think you need to get home." Ashton rolled on his side, facing the wall.

"Thanks. And by the way, you're a fucking idiot." She said, grabbing a wad of bills.

"I know." The door shut and Ashton groaned, running his fingers through his hair.

He stared at the wall, breaths erratic like he was going to cry again. But he knew he shouldn't. Jane deserved this. It was all her fault. Well, Calum's too, but Ashton hadn't seen him since that night, and he was dreading it. He didn't think he'd be able to look at him without wanting to cry and snap his neck. Luke promised he'd separate the two of them as much as possible, but it would be hard, seeing as they start a tour in less than two weeks.

All this thinking made the pounding in Ashton's head worse. With a particularly loud groan, he was up and in the bathroom, bumbling around looking for Advil. And maybe a cup of water. In the process of getting his medicine and turning on the shower, Ash puked a few times. He was dry heaving when a knock rang through the bathroom. Who the hell was up this early? Ashton rested his forearms on the toilet seat, sweating and breathing heavily. The door creaked open slowly and a small voice pulled him from his self pity.

"Ash? Are you okay?" A small voice whispered. Harry.

"Yes, now go away." He bit.

Harry didn't leave however, just stepped into the bathroom and shit the door. Ashton felt his stomach churn again and immediately started spilling his guts in the toilet again. Harry rushed forward immediately and rubbed his older brothers back while he listened to his sobs.

"Harry, please go back to be. I'm a big boy, I can take care of myself." Ashton's voice was shaky.

"Obviously not." Harry sighed. He was sick of seeing his brother like this. "I think you overreacted." He whispered.

Ashton froze, hearing that come from his own family member hurt. A hell of a lot. He stood abruptly and shut off the shower and rinsed his face in the sink. He stomped out of the bathroom and back to his bedroom. Harry scurried after him and stood in the doorway. Ash was collapsed back on the bed, that was a mess. Harry took note to the lipstick stain on his pillow and cringed. He wasn't oblivious to what his brother was doing when he stumbled into the house at ungodly hours.

"I'm such a fuck up, aren't I buddy? Ruining any chance I had to get Janie back right?" Ashton laughed dryly. He was delirious at this point, crying loudly into the pillow. Harry shifts awkwardly and moves towards the bed, climbing up in it and sitting next to Ashton. He pulled his head into his lap and ran his fingers through Ashton's hair. It was the least he could do.

"Are you ever gonna be okay again?" Harry finally whispered after Ash calmed down again.

"I don't know." Ashton sighed. "I don't think I will."

"What about Calum?"

"What about him?"

"Are you two gonna be friends again?" Ashton scoffed.

"I don't think so, bud." Another dry laugh.

"And all the girls who don't stay for cereal and toast?"

"They're nothing special." It was a horrible realization that Harry knew what was going on.

"How are your colors?" Harry was trying to get into Ashton's head, at least trying to understand what was happening.

"Disappearing." Harry nodded. "I'm tired buddy, you wanna just stay in here with me?" Ashton missed the comfort of another loving body with him at night. Harry nodded and moved under the blankets with Ash.

"Thank you Harry. It means a lot that you still care." Ashton whispered.

"I always will."

*

SO HOW DOES THAT FEEL?

in honor of the amnesia lyric video have this heart wrenching chapter that's really short and kinda bad. so there's that enJOY

ANNIE XX