FREAKS || Jerome Valeska¹

04 || Two Broken Hearts

I was released from the hospital on a Thursday afternoon, but I would stay indoors for the rest of the week to prevent myself from straining my brain. Andrew had called while I was hospitalized to ask if I was okay, and he asked if he could visit me, but I told him it was best he didn't come. I didn't want people asking him about me and making fun of my situation.

It's been around a week since Andrew asked me out. I don't know why, but I wanted to believe things could still be good for me. And still, I couldn't buy into that because this impending fear of rejection loomed over my head like a dark cloud. I didn't know why.

I knew the pestering at school wouldn't stop, and why would it? I'm sure Amelia's act bolstered her up in the social pyramid, and I could tell she was uncomfortable with being the bad guy. I made her feel that way because she deserved to feel that way. I guess the only thing that made this all a bit tolerable was that the one person I felt something for liked me back.

His liking for me lightened my heart, but there was something Andrew couldn't help me with, nor make better... my mind. The past couple of years have been rough, and I was starting to acknowledge the tricks it was playing, and it taunted me in retaliation. It made me question if I should give in too easily. Eventually, I would dismiss this as an overreaction, but it was difficult to ignore. It was worse when I felt vulnerable; all of those negative thoughts only pushed harder and carved themselves into my brain.

Today was one of those days.

One of those when I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror and questioned myself more than I probably should. My eyes noticed all the small things about myself, and I hated them. Every inch of my skin seemed like it wasn't mine. I could see the menacing look in my eyes... something was hiding behind them. The look of emptiness and fear, but what stood out the most was the tiny glint of derange. The Reese I looked at in the mirror was a dangerous predator.

I rubbed my temples. Thoughts circled at full speed, consuming every crevice in my sane mind. They clouded any reasonable part that could ever exist. These thoughts overwhelmed me to the point of dizziness, until everything was unfocused. I was unfocused to myself. It felt as though all I knew didn't make sense. The feeling I felt was the type that could drive you mad. I was afraid that I'd lose my mind.

"Reese, you're breaking."

My eyes stared deep into the deranged ones of the predator. She was smirking at me, but she was me. Me. It's ridiculous to explain, but my mind didn't seem in control. It spoke to me like we were completely different people - My enemy. A monster that was connected and rooted in me. I was becoming a stranger to myself. She's the same girl breaking before her, disintegrating, and losing her mind. But I didn't want to be that.

"Go away." I hissed venomously. I didn't want to see her.

She didn't listen; instead, she laughed deviously, "Oh, poor Reese, you're so lost. Don't you get it? I'm in your head... you're never getting rid of me."

My eyes closed, and my hands curled into fists to maintain composure, "Please, leave me alone. Stop this... I don't want you, and I don't need you."

Her laughter didn't cease, "You don't need me? Are you sure about that? Gee, you're more pathetic than I thought." She pouted 'disappointedly' and then sent me an amused grin, "No wonder daddy beat us so much. You probably deserved all of them for being stupid."

"Shut up," I growled angrily. She knew how to push my buttons because they were hers, too. "What the hell could you possibly want from me?"

She rolled her eyes, smirking maniacally, making a shiver run down my spine. I swallowed thickly. She shook her head, "What I want? No, no, no. I want what you want... Freedom... to be able to do whatever the hell we want, to be whoever we want to be without anyone weighing us down." She explained. I furrowed my eyebrows, "I am your hidden, most wanted internal desires. I'm the predator. The truth... Your truth. Ree, I'm the killer you've always wanted to be but are not."