The Multitudes Within Me (Sequel to The Sound of Ice)

26

"You too."

I sit down on the bleachers and press my knuckles to my mouth. I watch the little kids until the lesson is over, and they slowly trickle out the front door with their parents, one by one. Then I close my eyes. I really am tired. Usually when I try to sleep, nightmares wake me up. Not that it matters. I'll have nightmares every night, as long as Cameron is safe.

Time slips away from me. I think I even doze off, for a few minutes. God, I don't want to go back to the Becketts' house. I don't want to go to my house, either. I don't want to go to Harvard for second semester. And then there's nowhere left to go.

I think about Marly, and when she kissed me. No, that's not fair. When I kissed her. I think about Dr. Howard. If I can't take chemistry in the spring, what am I supposed to do? I think about Willem and Max. I think about Tom. I'm so tired of thinking.

I hear the door swing loudly, and I open my eyes. "George?" I call out. But it's Cameron standing by the entrance, his hands in his pockets, white snow in his dark hair.

He looks surprised. "Sam? What are you doing here?"

I don't know what to say, because I don't know what I'm doing here. "I stopped in to warm up."

Cameron wavers on his feet, like he's thinking about turning around and going back outside, but then he walks towards me. He sits on the bleachers. He looks me up and down.

"You walked here?"

"Yeah, went on a walk."

"Wearing that?"

"Yeah."

"It's cold out. You don't have a coat."

I don't answer, and we sit in silence. Cameron sighs, defeated, and rubs his face tiredly. I notice his knuckles are red and cracked, like he punched something, or cracked them nonstop. "I don't know what you want me to do, Sam," he finally says.

"I know."

"Why'd you do it?" I hear the pain in his voice and can't bring myself to look him in the eyes. "Why'd you do it? Do you not want to be together anymore? If that's it, just tell me -"

"No. No. That's not it."

"Is it something I did? Is it something I didn't do?"

"No."

"Is it -" he chews the inside of his lip. "Do you - do you miss being with a girl?"

I curl my hand underneath my chin and stare at my boots as they start to blur. "No," I whisper. "Not at all."

"I just don't understand."

"I don't understand either," I say. "I really don't know. It didn't mean anything. And maybe I am bixesual. And I know that's not an excuse. Maybe I was just confused. Or lonely."

Cameron stays silent.

"And none of those are excuses. I don't have an excuse. I was just sad, and stupid. I'm always sad. And I just - I feel like you don't really know me. You know me, but you don't. There are lots of different sides to me, you know. I am a bad person."

I wait for Cameron to say something, but he doesn't, and I feel the need to keep talking.

"And I'm not even a smart person. Harvard is - I mean, I failed. At everything. My most important classes. And you have this wonderful image of me in your head but it's just not true. I wish it was. God, I wish so badly it was. But I'm not a good person. I'm not a good person. And you know that now." I pause and take a breath, and squeeze my eyes shut. "And I don't want to break up at all - I want to spend all my time with you. You're the - you're the best person I've ever met. But I understand why you want to break up. And at least now we know. I want to thank you for taking care of Tom, even though you didn't have to. And for being yourself. And I just wanted to apologize. Sincerely, truly apologize. I am so sorry. For everything. Everything."

We sit in silence. I hear Cameron's breathing, and after awhile I look up at him. He's not crying, but he looks upset.

"I don't want to break up," he says, and his voice is steady. "Don't think that. I'm just mad."

Cameron can be mad at me, as long as he's safe.

"And those things you said, that's not true," he continues. "You are a good person. And you are smart. I don't like it when you say that, cause I'm scared you believe it." He runs his fingers through his hair and squints out towards the ice. "I'm mad, Sam. I'm mad at you. I think I'll be mad for a little bit."

"Okay."

"But I kinda really love you. I'm mad at you, but I love you. Okay?"

I pull my sweatshirt sleeves over my hands as something inside me breaks, a wall of relief, a wave of crushing love. "I love you too," I say, but it's hard to get the words out, and they sound strangled and whispered.

Cameron exhales deeply and squints towards the trophy case. "I don't like that you kissed someone else," he says slowly. "I really don't. But if you say it didn't mean anything, then I - I trust you. And I know the past year has been hard. And I don't mind about your sexuality, okay? And it's okay if you don't know. Just be honest with me. Got it?"

"Yes."

"And I want you to see someone. For depression."

I don't know what to say. Depression? And then I say - "Okay."

A few minutes go by, and neither of us say anything.

"I'm going to drive you home now," says Cameron. "Because it's cold. And you don't have a coat. And then I'm going to shower and have dinner with my mom and my sisters, and you're going to have dinner with Tom, and I'm going to sleep on everything we said but I want you know that I meant it. And then tomorrow we're going Christmas shopping, because I need help buying gifts for everyone. And I'll see you tomorrow morning at ten."

Before I can reply, he stands up definitively, and I follow him. I sink into the passenger seat. A song is playing on the radio - something slow, and kind of sad - Cameron and I listened to it last November. He turns it up, and then he drives me home, and at a red light he reaches over and squeezes my hand.

A/N askdjhakjsdhak 

i also have only a few weeks left before my final exams so i'll definitely be a lot busier which means less frequent updates :( i'm gonna try for one a week though! and then summer will be here soon thank god