Afternoon Run

nineteen; ❝don't burden yourself❞

"Is she okay?!" Jesenia loudly asks as soon as she spots me in the boring waiting room.

Seeing her makes it so much more real, and my own shame grows when I start crying.

"She's — she's fine," I tell her, choking on my own tears slightly.

I've gone back and forth with my complicated emotions. Sometimes, I feel as if I'm okay, but then that brutal feeling as if I'm about to die appears again. It's a tiring cycle, and I can't handle it.

"I can't believe he did that to her! Can I see her?" Jesenia questions.

"She's tired," I say impatiently, since all I want is to just leave.

"What's wrong?"

Well, my mother is in the hospital. Shouldn't that say anything?

"Let's go," I tell her instead, taking her arm and leading her out of the building with me.

I just need to go anywhere that isn't the hospital. I need to escape the reminders of that pain.

"Adelina? You don't seem okay."

"I'm fine!" I snap at her, making her caring smile falter.

"You're not. Talk to me."

I continue walking down the parking lot, while she's a few traces behind me. She suddenly pulls my arm, forcing me to pause. I turn to her and I roll my eyes, then I decide to abruptly take my lips to hers.

She lies in the kiss for a split second before pulling away sharply, saying, "you need to talk. A kiss won't fix anything."

"Kissing you makes me feel better though," I argue, letting a whine escape into my voice.

I feel very childish, and I know that those things don't have any logic to them. Yet, the words somehow escape my mouth anyway.

"Talk."

"I— Fine! I ju— I— I can't believe that he did that to my mom. Who the fuck does he think he is for doing that?"

"I didn't think your father was capable of that at all," she whispers.

It makes sense that she didn't suspect it, since I had kept the details sparse and refused to deliver any complicated stories about his behavior. It made feel comfortable, as if ignoring the truth would make his existence go away.

Yet, I, the one who had lived it all, didn't even see it coming.

No one saw it coming.

As more tears fall down my face, I can only croak out, "my mom didn't deserve it! It was my fault."

"No! It was not your fault! He was looking for an excuse to hurt someone. Don't blame yourself for it!"

"It's hard not to. If I had just apologized—"

All of the different scenarios are running through my mind, and I think I'm going to lose it.

"Even if you had apologized, he would have looked for any other excuse to hurt you and your mom," she reasons with me.

"I guess but—"

"Don't try to burden yourself with something that he did."

"That's impossible to do."

Just like it's impossible to stop my own mess of a mind from coming up with the craziest scenarios and making me believe strange lies about myself and everyone else.