My New Muse (XXX) (Completed)

Chapter 13

I stop and think for a second. Would Andrew have wanted that?

No, he wouldn't, because the last thing he said to me was "be happy, for me; live, for me."

I'm a disappointment to my dead boyfriend, because I can't get over my dead boyfriend. This is so fucked up.

I don't even realise that I'm sobbing until I'm in David's arms, and my face is in his chest; he's rubbing circles into the small of my back, just like he did four weeks ago.

The sobs wrack my body so hard that my pelvis starts to hurt again, which causes me to groan.

"What's wrong?"

I take a few deep breaths, so that I can calm down; each time my breath hitches, I feel that sharp pain again.

Once the sobs stop, leaving only tears flowing from my eyes, I speak.

"My pelvis hurts. I feel pains whenever I don't eat enough."

He gives me a disapproving look.

"Are you anorexic?"

"Oh, god, no. I just only eat when I feel the urge to. The problem is that sometimes I feel the urge to eat once a day, or I feel hungry and I don't want to eat solid food, but there's no liquid food in the house. Other times, I stuff my face like a pig."

He looks at me like I'm the strangest creature on earth.

"Okay," he says in a resigned tone.

The tears are slowing down now, and I'm beginning to realise that David isn't going to just evaporate into thin air because I order him to.

Almost as if he hears me, he smiles at me and says, "I'm not going anywhere, babe."

Not yet ready to accept that, I let out a sigh — then wince when my pelvis hurts again.

I ignore it.

"I don't want to get hurt again."

At this, he has nothing to say. What can he do? Promise me that he won't die? That would be a lie.

"I won't let that happen, and I can't give you what you want. I can't give you love."

He knows that he can't give me a legitimate reply to that. I've lost every important person in my life. He can't ask me to risk that happening again by becoming close to yet another person.

"This is why I don't have friends. I don't date. I live on my own. I just cannot endure any more pain, David. Love is a weakness; it it my weakness. It feels amazing when you're with the person, but at that funeral? You feel so distraught, so hurt, you're in so much pain, that you feel as if you're being tortured to the point of death, but you aren't dying; you're stuck on the threshold between life and death yourself.

"When I love someone, I do it with my whole heart. Whether it is my friend, family or lover, it consumes me. I can't help it; so when I lose that person, it is absolutely devastating. I can't do it again.

"So please leave, David, because these feelings that I have? I refuse to allow them to blossom into full blown love, and I don't want to hurt you anymore than I already inevitably have."

He gets up, and I can see the hurt in his eyes, but I can also see the understanding. It feels like it takes years for him to cross the room and make it to the door.

As he opens the door to leave, I know that I have done the right thing; I couldn't use him anymore.

So why is it that I felt the urge to call him back?