Playing Sleep

ten » the process of falling apart

"Um, when I took you home and put you in your bed. I got a bucket for you to, uh, puke in if you needed. And I, uh, umm..." Gulping, I twiddled my thumbs before continuing, "foundyourmedication." The last part of the sentence was rushed and I just couldn't look her in the eyes. It was too hard. I felt the heat on my cheeks, warm and embarrassing, no longer did I have an appetite and instead looking at the burger only made me feel nauseas.

Emily inhaled, the sound sharp like knives. "Oh," was all she said before she suddenly began to breathe faster. Looking up, I saw to my dismay Emily as she grabbed onto the table - panic setting into her eyes.

"Holy shit." I mumbled, staring at the girl before me as a full on anxiety attack rendered her speechless. Rushing over to her side, I looked up at her. "Emily?"

She didn't answer. Instead, she grasped at where her heart was, eyes wide as she continuously gasped for air. Her head whipped around in a frantic motion, looking from one person to the other before her eyes landed on me.

People were beginning to stare, concern etched into every feature. A little kid, the child of one of the gay men we were talking about earlier, stood up in her chair and pointed to Emily, "Daddies, why is that girl scared?" Her fathers grabbed her down and shushed her, only her words rang true in my mind.

She is scared. What of, I had no idea. Grabbing her hand, whether she liked it or not, I tried to pull her up. It was as if the sudden movement shocked her into a slightly more aware sense of self. "Don't touch me!" Aggressively pulling her hand from my grip, she glared at me as she gasped for air.

Jumping back, I couldn't keep the hurt from my eyes as I stared at her. "Sorry I was just trying to help." I mumbled, watching over her.

"Well don't! Just, fuck off!" She shouted, at which point there were a handful of people who gasped at her language. Pushing me out of the way, she staggered out of 'DKD', gasping with tears rolling down her cheeks.

I sat there, stupefied, my knees on the cold linoleum floor as strangers gave me pitying stares, and Emily's retreating figure shocked expressions. Everything is a mess, I tell myself, unable to stand from the floor. I probably look pathetic, some guy who's friend just so happened to walk out on him after a fight, now can't get up off of the floor. There are family members, couples and friends that are slowly getting back to what they were doing prior to Emily's attack and my own collapse.

Somehow, I find it in me to stand up. Pulling out my wallet I place a twenty on the table and leave, there isn't a part of me that wants to finish my meal. I still have an hour or two before my class starts but I can't find it in me to go home and study. Not when all I really want to do is collapse. Letting my feet lead the way, I let my mind go blank for a while.

I need a quiet place to think, that is not home. I don't want to go home.

A couple of minutes later, I find myself in a park. Trees and bushes rise up all around me, swamping my usually tall figure. There are many people walking around. One or two dog owners taking their pet for a walk as two or three others slowly jog down one track. It's exactly what I had in mind. There is a certain solace in nature, something that brings forth the relaxed, calm nature deep within. Perhaps it was the way the light flickered off of the trees and trickled down to the ground, or the slow melody the rustling leaves and bird song created. It didn't take long for me to settle in a sunny path of grass.

I let my head fall back against the earth and spread my arms out wide. Closing my eyes, I took deep breaths and allowed myself the time to think.

She had every right to freak out. I had known her for all of two weeks, and within that time I'd learned things about her that she never really wanted to share with others. I'm not an idiot, I'm sure that her friends knew about her condition, just as Georgia knew about mine, only they probably didn't understand her reserved nature when it came to talking about it. Or even mentioning it.