chapter thirteen » i think i'm in love with you

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"When you have insomnia, you're never really asleep and you're never really awake." – Chuck Palahniuk.

I believe that sometimes everyone deserves to break down. They deserve to have a night, or a day, or a week to break down, to collapse, and to give up, so long as they promise themselves that it won't last. That the pain that they feel will eventually subside, and when it does, they have to climb to their feet, dust themselves off and get back in the game – because no matter how hard we get pushed to the ground, we can always get back up. It's the people that do not, those people are the ones that need help, and I was once one of those people. I was someone who had zero faith in myself, I fell to my knees and I was not strong enough to carry on.

Fortunately I had people, or a person in my life that was willing to go out of her way to help me. She showed me how strong I was, how I could fight even if all my bones were broken, because the most beautiful part about losing everything you thought was dear to you, was the fact that you then had nothing left to lose. And when that's the case, you're pretty much unstoppable.

Obviously, as time went on I met others, I forged a few relationships worth keeping, and suddenly I had a new set of people I didn't want to lose, people I loved. I built my foundations up again, stronger than they were before, and regardless of my lack of sleep and pessimistic nature, I then knew how to fight for myself, how to keep my own head above water.

Sure, I had help, but you should never discard the people that fought for you when you couldn't fight for yourself because they are the only reason you still stand tall. Never hate the fact that you needed help, everyone has a weak point, a breaking point, a tipping point, whatever it may be called, and eventually everyone needs help. People tend to forget that even the strongest have failed, even the elite need help sometimes.

Don't let pride get in the way of your health. Be it physical, emotional, mental, spiritual – whatever, always be open for help from others.

When I fell down, Julie was there for me, she helped me to my feet and encouraged me to make friends. Even if the only people I met were Emile and Georgia, it was still more than before. However as time goes on you grow, and as Georgia said, it's okay, it's okay if you slowly stop loving someone that was once your world.

People change, and as they do the people around them do too. I used to only have Julie, Georgia and Emile (although we didn't actually talk much), but now I also have Emily and Melanie. If I want, I can have Georgia too, just not the same way I used too, which would be better for the both of us. She grew and changed, and fell for someone else, as did I.

It hurt when she broke up with me, but it didn't last. The pain passed, and when it did, all that was left was a slight aching in my chest and the knowledge that I was finally free. I could chase after Emily all I wanted, without the guilt hanging around in the back of my head.

All that was left on my part was action. I needed to go and find Emily, I had to tell her how I felt, and pray to God that she felt the same way.

✮✮✮

After a night of pointless tears and multiple cups of tea, I felt calm and clear enough to see that Georgia was right to break up with me. It shouldn't have happened any other way, I didn't have the right to break it off when I'd spent the past few weeks dropping her on the sidewalk as I pranced around with another girl. But that was in the past now, because Georgia had moved on too, and in time she would forgive me and we'd be ok.

What I had to do now was go and see the girl I wanted, the girl I'd (deep down) wanted for a while now. There was nothing to hold me back, guilt-free, girlfriend-free, and doubt-free, I loved her and it was about time I let her know.

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