𝕋𝕙𝕖 𝔻𝕒𝕣𝕜𝕟𝕖𝕤𝕤 𝕋𝕙𝕒𝕥 ℂ𝕠𝕟𝕤𝕦𝕞𝕖𝕤 𝕋𝕙𝕖 𝕃𝕚𝕘𝕙𝕥 ➀

31 IDENTITY

I look out at the ocean, debating whether or not I should jump in and drown myself in the cool blue sea. The repeated crashing of the waves is akin to the chaos flowing inharmoniously throughout my skull. The moment one set of thoughts reels itself backwards another set crashes down, washing over me.

After that rather uncomfortable dinner with Monica's family it had ended with an even more uncomfortable dessert. I had to pretend not to hear Monica's sister asking about our sex life at the table while Gio got the Tiramisu. I also pretended not to hear her asking about my dick and whether I go down on her or not. The responses made me smirk, but still, it was fucking awkward.

At the moment, I'm feeling frustrated and I can't really pinpoint why that is. It's like there's this irritation bubbling under my skin that I just can't get rid of. A feeling of wanting to just be emotionally numb creeps inside my skull, the demons are beckoning me. Looking out at the ocean as we walk gives me the overwhelming urge to succumb to them, let them pull me back into the deep.

Monica isn't saying anything as she walks beside me, she can probably feel the tension rolling off of me. This isn't me. I'm not this guy. Those two thoughts continuously plague my mind because you don't bring men like me home to meet the family, let alone bring me to family dinners. The entire time I sat there at that table I felt like I was having an out-of-body experience.

"I'm sorry about my Dad, Sean." Monica finally breaks the awkward silence between us. "I didn't know my sister was going to hug you or that my dad was going to pry into your family life like that. Don't think I expect you to propose or anything like that. I know you and I just... I know..."

"Stop it. It's fine, Monica. I'm fine." It's also a lie but I'm not about to tell her that.

I run my hand through the hair atop my head, tugging at the ends as I do. Maybe if I pull hard enough the thoughts, these demons will come out by the god damn roots. I blow out a large smoke-filled breath as I let my hand wander down over my face. The whole point of taking a walk was for some fresh air but I was kind of defeating the purpose with the cig in my hand.

Her father had asked me about a million questions about my parents and upbringing during dessert. Which, I suppose, is normal for most people to ask their daughter's boyfriend about shit like that but, as usual, it did nothing but remind me of just how fucked up I am. It also made me realize my list of of redeeming qualities is quite limited.

"I didn't know both of your parents are dead." Her words interrupt my ever-deteriorating internal jargon. "You've never told me anything about them really."

"That's because my parents aren't actually dead, Monica." I stop walking and turn towards her, addressing what I'm sure is about to turn into confusing awkwardness. "Did you honestly think I was going to sit and rehash my shit existence of a childhood for your family to hear? I'm really all set with the pitiful and judgmental stares they'd probably give me."

She doesn't say anything in return as I take a long drag of my cigarette. It had been bad enough the way her father had looked at me when I told him that my parents were deceased. I can't imagine what he'd do or the faces he'd make if he knew what actually happened.

If there's anything at all that I can't stand it's when people pity me. If they only knew about the visual memory I have and the fact that it plays that shit on repeat sometimes like a god damn horror movie based off of my own fucking horrid personal experiences I don't know how they'd react. So, needless-to-say, no one needs to know the fucked-up existence I've had especially my girlfriend's dad.

"Obviously I didn't think you were really going to get into all of it but I didn't think you'd lie about if they are alive or not, Sean." Monica furrows her brows in confusion.

"It's just easier to say my mother passed away because that's essentially the truth. She isn't the same woman she used to be because she went completely fucking insane. As for my father, he may as well be dead. I have no fucking clue where he is and I'm completely fine with that because fuck him. When my mom got sent away I was put in his custody. He traveled so much that I never saw him. The last time I saw him he tried to put his hands on me again. Let's just say he ended up in a fucking bloodied heap on the floor just like my mother and I used to be when I was a child." I take another long drag from my cigarette looking out at the ocean.

"I didn't mean to upset you." She frowns, her features turning remorseful. "I'm really sor-..."

"Just don't, Mon. It is what it is." I flick my cigarette away. "I'm just sorry I'm so fucked up. I mean, I can't even sit down for a dinner with your family without feeling like I'm about to lose my complete shit for Christ's sake. It's pathetic."

"Sean, you tried and that's not pathetic. You could've just refused but you didn't. You tried and that means something."

She does make a good point. There's no way in hell I would have ever done this before her. Just being faithful and not putting my dick in another woman was a feat before Monica. Now here I am sitting down having a meal with my girlfriend's family.

I did have to guzzle a pint of whiskey... That's not the fucking point.

"I still can't even believe you said yes to coming here and meeting my family. Honestly, I was surprised you got out of the truck. You looked like you were about to have a nervous breakdown."

"Yeah Monica, cause I'm not that guy. This is not me. I don't do things like this, ever." I let out a deep sigh and rub my hands over my face. "I feel like my entire fucking identity is changing and I don't know if I'm okay with that or not." I blurt the last part out without thinking.

"What do you mean by don't know if I'm okay with that?" I look down at Monica who's now looking extremely frightened.

She thinks she's scaring me off.

I take two strides over to her and wrap my arms around her, pulling her body into mine. "It's just all happening a bit fast for me, Monica." I plant a kiss on the top of her head. "Moving in together, family meals, love..."

Her arms wrap tentatively around me. "You'll tell me if it's too much, right? You'll tell me if you're going to... if you're going to..."

I pull away from her, cocking my head to the side to study her. "If I'm going to what?"

She looks at the beach sand, avoiding my gaze. "If all of this makes you want to go off the deep end." Her voice is nearly inaudible as she continues, "Sean, I love you. I don't like seeing you get like that."

"Monica, it's fine. I'm fi-..."

"Just let me know if it's too much." She cuts me off, her eyes finding mine again as she does. "Don't just say you're fine."

I don't say anything to that. I just give her a nod of the head. She hugs me tighter and I feel like a horrible human being. The main reason I feel so terrible is because the demonic urges in the back of my head are basically screaming bloody murder at me. This entire situation with family and relationships has brought up some really bad shit for me.

The raging urge to go get completely obliterated is nearly palpable to me right now. Not only do I want to drink but I wanted to get incapacitated to the point of no return and not only that but be on the highest level of cloud nine one can fucking reach. I want to be on an entirely different universe, a universe where my brain and my flaws don't exist.

I just want to lose myself.

Maybe I just want to bring back the guy I feel like I'm losing in myself. I don't know anymore. I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore because this guy is not me. Guys like me don't do any of this, deserve any of this. I never have. I never will.

I'm not this guy.

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A/N:

When I originally wrote this chapter it was a special someone's birthday, TheScripturalSaint . Thanks for being a great friend and one of the people I've known the longest in wattpad land!