Sorrow

Lost

Tom entered their home expecting to see her waiting for him leaned on a banister, but she wasn't there. She will never be there again.
Funeral was just a big rainy blur. He couldn't and wouldn't remember anything, not the people, not the flowers, not the grave. He promised to her he will not remember any of that.
With a heavy sigh, he cleaned his shoes on a doormat and went to the living room. His brother, Alex, would be there soon to help him pack for tomorrow's trip.
Alex was the only one who somewhat understood how broken and lost Tom really was. Tom was so stunned for past few days, couldn't cry, couldn't speak more then pleasantries that were necessarily. He didn't quite register what was happening. He didn't understand that she is gone and that he is lost. So alone and lost.
Deep in a daze, lost in some shallow thought, Tom sat in his armchair and waited. Bottle of whiskey and a mug were already waiting for him on a coffee table. Alex was always reliable, always prepared and ready to catch you when you fall...
As expected, Alex was there on time. He looked like he was crying, he looked tired. But he smiled to his older brother and knelt down on the rug in front of the armchair to give him a hug.
"Tom, you have to snap out of it, you know? It's not good for ya. You have to burst your bubble man."
Tom just blinked at him and tried to focus.
"Tom, for heaven's sake, you just buried your wife... Don't you have anything to say? Don't you wanna, like, break something, scream, cry? I know you loved her more than anything, than why do you act like you don't care?"
"I don't know, Alex. Is she really dead? I didn't look at her, I am such a coward, I couldn't force myself to really look at her... Maybe it's not her, maybe we are all wrong... She might come home tomorrow, she will be so pissed that I thought she would ever leave me..."
"Tom, come on, stop it!", Alex said with a sigh, "It was her, I was there with you. Wake up! Jesus, you can be so difficult... I am tired, you too are tired, of all of this. We buried her today, accept it, so, eventually, you can make peace with it."
Tom looked straight into his brother's blue eyes and saw it. He saw desperation and worry, and deep, deep sadness. He remembered that Alex was the first to love her, to love Angie. It was so easy to love her, she was an angel. And Tom felt ashamed. He was so selfish. He leaned forward and hugged his little brother.
"You are right, I am sorry. Forgive me for being such an insensitive bastard."
Alex was stunned: "Oh God, Tom! You lost it! I don't need you to apologise to me! No, never mind, drink that up and go to sleep. I'll pack you and wake you up in the morning."
"Thanks bro... I am sorry, I am so sorry..."
Tom stood up and went upstairs. He was expecting to see her fast asleep in their bed, but her side was empty and cold. He just sat there for a long time, trying to feel her warmth on a pillow and when he finally figured out that he won't find it he crumbled down on a floor and cried.
"Angie, oooh Angie, what should I do? Where should I go? I am so lost without you. Lost...lost."