Everyone Un-Died + My Gardener Bit Me: The Oral History of the Zombie Apocalypse

Street Stupid

Did you find it worrying that you had no memory of writing that letter?

Ha! Are you kidding? It was like waking up in the morning and discovering that someone else had done your homework for you!

That brings us to the topic of education. How was school for you?

Not much to tell. Got kicked out in ninth grade.

For what?

Inappropriately touching the teacher.

I thought I read somewhere that you were homeschooled by your Mom?

You media people! Always getting your facts wrong!

Good. Because that would be weird.

She was my step-mom.

Oh, boy.

And besides, she was the same age as me.

So, long, creepy story short: You weren't much of a student.

Yup. But there's more to life than being book-smart.

So you're street smart?

Whoa! Don't be putting words in my mouth, son! Lookit. Whenever I try to hire a prostitute either she turns out to be a he, or if she actually is a she, she's an undercover cop. Not only that, but I'm always picking fights with people I shouldn'ta, like biker gangs and professional hockey players and mannequins.

Mannequins?

Not all of 'em. Just the ones that cop an attitude. With their hand on their hip, looking right past you like you don't even exist! You know the ones I mean, right?

I guess.

My point is that I ain't street smart. If anything, I'm whatever the opposite of street smart is!

Street stupid?

You say "stupid" like it's a bad thing.

Isn't it?

Hell to the no, son! I'd much rather be stupid than smart!

Because...?

OK. Did you know that if you lick a metal pole when it's below freezing outside your tongue will get stuck to it?

Yeah. Of course.

Well, so do I. But somehow, a few times every winter I lick a metal pole anyway.

That is unbelievable.

Believe it, son. Now let me ask you a question. How did doing something stupid like getting my tongue stuck to a metal pole cause the Robot Apocalypse?

Um... it didn't.

That's right. I may have torn off my taste buds so many times that they stopped growing back. I may not be able to tell the difference between Chef Boyardee Ravioli and a goat turd—

In fairness, neither can anyone else.

—but I didn't cause the Robot Apocalypse, did I?

No, you did not.

Damn right I didn't! First off, I got me a — whattaya call it? — an alibaba.

Alibi?

That's what I said, son. I was in my RV watching one of them cooking shows on TV with my girlfriend.

Um... when you say "girlfriend"... you don't mean your step—

No, it's nothing like that! Although, actually, Cheryl's probably less of a girlfriend than a — whattaya call it? — arresting officer. My point is that it was the smartypantses who damn near caused the death of the whole damn human race! I mean, you ever heard of dumb people making super-smart machines that think for themselves? 'Course not! You know why?

Because you can't?

Well... yeah. But even if we coulda we wouldn'ta.

And why not?

Look, son, I might not be the sharpest bulb in the deck, but if there's one thing I've learned, it's never to trust anybody smarter'n me.

You must not trust very many people.

Damn right! Lookit: When the stock market crashes, who causes it? Smart people! But who winds up losing their jobs? Dumb people! Even though we don't even use the stock market in the first place! Who invented global warming? Smart people! Who has to spell out the word help in sandbags on the roof after yet another hurricane? Dumb people! Who invented the internet? Smart people! Who winds up on a list of sex offenders because they don't realize until it's too late that YoungBalls.com is not the official website of Little League? Dumb people! And the worst part is that we never get a say. When smart people decided to make enough atom bombs to blow up the world, they didn't ask for our permission. When they decided that they were going to make arty-fishy intelligence, they didn't let us vote. 'Cause I promise you that if they put it on the ballot — Should we make robots so much smarter than us that they could wipe us out in seconds? — I definitely would'a voted against that. If I voted, I mean.

You don't vote?

Why would I? It's just a big scam.

OK.

But the smartypantses did have a vote and they decided to let the robots run wild. Let me tell you, son, you gotta be really smart to be that dumb!

And that's why we have the SPA?

That's right. The smartypantses had their chance and they blew it, big time! Now it's time for the stupid people to take the wheel.

And they certainly have. But now that there are reports of zombies, don't you think you should enlist some, as you say, "smartypantses" to help deal with this?

Hell to the no! What's the saying? Fool me once, go fuck yourself, you son of a bitch! You think you're better than me? Well, you're not!

All right. And finally, I have to ask about the rumor that you might run for President.

Thinking about it. I haven't made up my mind.

When do you think you will?

I'll let you know after my next blackout.