REVIEWERS ON HIATUS
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[highest ranking: #2 in reviewer, #10 in editor, and #3 in critics]
ce_ce_rule Hello, this is cremsicle, and I am here to give critique on your book "A Smile Like Yours". Please note that I do not mean to hurt your feelings or offend you in any way. This is only harsh, but constructive feedback.
Note you do not need to complete the payment, since you have inspired me to open this book. ❤
Cover: 5/10
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The cover is what attracts readers to read your book. Personally, I find your cover quite bland and boring. Your cover looks very amateur and poorly made, and it doesn't promise any plot, adventure, or juicy details. If you aren't good at making covers, hire someone to do it. It's not hard.
Description: 6/10
"Park Jimin just moved from Busan to Seoul for school, at first starting off with nervousness in his system but that quickly faded. But his past dawns at him at times. You just never see it coming. But 6 boys are all interested in this seemingly perfect human being. How will they know for sure? Will Jimin accept those feelings? Will Jimin have those same feelings? But even it everything comes crashing down, Jimin just hates being alone and loves to be surrounded with love."
I find this description very average. If this story popped up on my homepage, I would probably just keep scrolling. It would be more interesting if you added an interesting excerpt from your story, or added some promise of plot twists without actually spoiling the story. I would've opted for something more like this:
"Hey Jimin. I would love to give you the honor of being my date this Friday." Jimin is the new kid at school, and things are not what he expected. Six different, but all handsome boys are crushing on him, hard. Will Jimin accept those feelings? Will he feel the same way?
Story: 6/10
The beginning paragraph has a nice hook. I am interested to know why Jimin is filled with anxiety, and what nasty thoughts Jimin is thinking. Did he get bullied harshly at his old school? Why did he move?
Your book is filled with all sorts of grammar mistakes. You are using apostrophes in the wrong way, and often missing commas. For example, in the first paragraph, you wrote "Jimin slowly walked slowly up to Soul's Bangantan High perplexed." It should be "Jimin walked slowly to Seoul's Bangantan High, feeling perplexed." You write "your" a lot when it should be "you're" and vice versa. "You're" is a shortened form of "you are" and "your" is used to show possession. An example would be "Your cat is so cute!"
Your writing feels choppy and doesn't flow well. Try reading it out loud or in your head exactly as it's written.
There needs to be more plot.
I like how you incorporated pictures into your story. It gives the readers a better feel for the story.
You often change your writing from past tense to present tense when it should all be in past or present tense. In chapter one, you wrote "...He pouted. "Of course! I was looking for that book everywhere. This one is starting to get boring." I say honestly." Change the "say" to "said"
Would I continue reading this? Not at the rate it's going. I found the story to be boring, as it doesn't have much plot. And all the grammar mistakes are giving me a headache. If you don't feel like fixing all your mistakes yourself, go find an editor. Don't give up writing because of me. Everyone has room for improvement in their writing, I'm just extra picky. 😘
