The Girl Who Feared Men (SAMPLE)

Chapter 29: Hard Feelings

Songs:

Lorde- Hard Feelings

Lorde- Perfect Places

Lorde- Still Sane

--

Ellie

I don't cry in front of people. Ever.

Not because I'm emotionally closed off or anything. Just because I know how uncomfortable it is to watch someone cry. A weird silence hangs in the air as the person watching tries to figure out what to say and how to make you feel better. When they eventually speak, they try to cheer you up but they end up saying the wrong thing. Then, you end up being the one who feels like a jackass for putting them in this weird...awkward situation in the first place.

So, it doesn't take long for me to suck my tears back into my eyelids and calm myself down. In seconds, my face is expressionless. If you hadn't seen me crying a few seconds later, you wouldn't even know I was upset.

Chase doesn't ask many questions, which I appreciate. I do tell him that I ran away from home, to which he replies with, "uh...do I have to be worried about the cops showing up?"

I laugh. "No. This isn't the first time I've run away."

"Oh, so this is a normal occurrence?"

"No...it's just something I do when I'm...mad." After I say it I realize how bad it sounds and Chase must realize it as well because he raises a brow. "Hey, I never said I was a saint. I just need a place to stay."

He throws his hands in the air. "No judgment. I've done my fair share of messed up things. You can stay in the guest room."

I give him my thanks before following him upstairs. He shows me the room I'm staying in but as I stare at the bare walls, I can't shrug off the hotel-like feeling it radiates. It's the type of room that has just enough floral decorations to make you feel comfortable but not so much so that you'd want to stay there any longer than you need to.

"Won't your mom mind?" I ask as I place my black gym bag of clothes on the ground

"Probably." He shrugs. "She kind of hates you."

"She does? Why?"

"Other than calling her a bad mom? She just doesn't like girls I hang out with that she hasn't seen before."

"Why?"

"She thinks we're hooking up."

"HUH?" My eyes almost pop out of their sockets at the assumption.

He smirks at my reaction. "Don't worry. Old habits die hard...but they do eventually die. I'm not the same person I was before." He takes one last look around at the room. "Do you need anything else?"

I calm down a little and shake my head. "No, I'm good. Thanks."

He leaves eventually and I change into my pajamas- the only clothes I packed in my black gym bag because I only expected to stay for one night.

I hop onto my bed, resting my head on the soft, plump pillows. I make myself comfortable and I close my eyes. My body tries to relax but my mind refuses to shut off. It keeps ringing, telling me I'm forgetting something.

But what could I possibly be forgetting?

I brought everything I needed for the sleepover, I took the keys, it's not like I forgot my pajamas. After some time passes by, my brain settles down and I feel myself drifting off to sleep.

Then it occurs to me.

I did forget something.

I'm assertively pulled out of my slightly dazed state. My eyes snap open like an elastic band pulling apart and my body springs out of bed.

"Ugh!" I blurt out a little too loudly.

In seconds, Chase barges into the room, "you okay!?"

I rake my hand through my hair, trying to normalize my frenzied heartbeat. "I forgot my pills."

"Your pills?"

"My sleeping pills. I need to take them before I sleep so I don't get nightmares."

Chase's brows furrow. "What happens if you don't take them?"

"I don't know...Withdrawal symptoms maybe? Worst case scenario my nightmares come back and I don't sleep for days."

"Oh." He stands in the frame of the doorway awkwardly, unsure of what to do about this situation.

I freeze when I realize I accidentally shared a really personal part of my life with Chase.

My nightmares are a part of my life that I don't talk about very often. I barely mention them to Jessa. Even Angie doesn't know much about them. My mouth presses into a thin line. The only other person from Westprep who knows about my nightmares is Megan but that's different.

That was a girl.

"What are they like?" He asks, walking further into the room.

"What?"

"Your nightmares?"

I blink.

"Is that a dumb question? Sorry I don't really know what to ask." He leans his back against the wall across from where I'm sitting on the bed.

"No." I shake my head. "It's not a dumb question." I get up from the bed, hoping the change in height will make me feel braver. "Um, it's like being trapped inside your head and replaying memories that you thought you buried. And then when you finally wake up." I start pacing around the room. "You're sweaty and your heart is beating so fast you think you're going to die and all you want to do is get the images out of your head so you do anything to make you not think about what you just saw but trying to not think about something only makes you think of it more." His eyes follow me as I talk animatedly. "So you clean, or you read, or if you're me, you run on a treadmill or microwave a pizza or draw something." I stop pacing. "Doing things makes you forget."

"Okay. So what do you want to do?"

"Well... I can't risk sleeping. So I'll just keep myself busy by drawing."

"Okay, let's do it." He pushes himself off the wall.

"You don't have to stay up with me."

He shrugs. "I want to. I can't just leave you alone in the middle of the night."

There's a warm silence between us. "But...you'll be bored."

He smirks. "I'm never bored when I'm with you, Ellie."

He walks towards the door and when he sees I'm not following behind him he turns around to look at me. "Come on, we have all night. Let's make ourselves busy."

The corners of my mouth slide upwards. "Okay."